Chapter 48 Monologue
The night is so quiet, outside the window there is no hustle and bustle of the day, except for the dim street lights, everything seems so peaceful. The only sound comes from Kevin sleeping soundly next to me, watching him sleep so peacefully like a baby, I feel truly happy in my heart, but also very conflicted. I love Kevin very much, but do I still have the right to love him now?
A lot has happened recently. When I was writing this diary, I originally intended to stop the intimate contact with Nathan, but all of this was suddenly disrupted by Nathan's sudden injury. Since Nathan's hands were injured and Kevin was not at home, I had to take care of everything for Nathan.
Taking care of Nathan inevitably involves physical contact with him. When I saw Nathan's strong penis again, the desire I had suppressed for so long was aroused. I had intimate contact with Nathan again. However, as the frequency of intimate contact with Nathan increased, my inner guilt began to decrease day by day. When being intimate with Nathan, I would forget about my family, ethics, and Kevin , with only desire in my mind. But after each desire, when I remembered everything, I felt deep self-blame and guilt.
And I am so addicted to the time spent with Nathan. Sometimes I ask myself, have I fallen in love with Nathan? But when I saw a photo of Kevin , I realized my true feelings. What I love is Kevin , and his place in my heart cannot be replaced. It's just that because of his physical condition, he is unable to satisfy my desires now.
Sometimes I carefully consider, what kind of emotions do I have towards Nathan now? Love? Perhaps a little bit, but compared to Kevin , the slight love for Nathan may be negligible. He is my elder, Nathan, and what I feel for him is more of a familial bond. If I have to explain why I have intimate contact with him, it is to satisfy my own sexual desires. I have tried to treat Nathan as a tool for self-pleasure, to replace Kevin in satisfying my sexual desires, but he cannot replace the place Kevin holds in my heart. The only thing I am grateful for is that Nathan has always been well-behaved, never forcing me, always respecting my opinions.
I have always carefully controlled the extent of intimate contact with Nathan, protecting forbidden areas like kissing, breasts, and deep inside the vagina for Kevin . Although Nathan has touched, felt, and kissed other parts, those are areas Kevin has enjoyed countless times, so my sense of guilt is somewhat diminished.
With Kevin 's return, my opportunities for intimate contact with Nathan have decreased. After such a long time of contact with Nathan, I found that my desires are getting stronger and more intense than before. Every time I see Nathan's strong penis, my vagina becomes unbearably itchy. Just a few days ago, I even took off my underwear voluntarily for Nathan to perform oral sex on me. Perhaps in the absence of sexual intercourse, this is the best way to satisfy me. I selfishly indulge in everything, but because of my love for Kevin , I have always maintained the last line of defense for him.
But last night, I couldn't control myself and ended up doing something I had never done for Kevin , which was oral sex for Nathan.
It was last night, due to the pent-up sexual desire of these days, while Kevin was drunk and asleep, I involuntarily walked into Nathan's room, touched his penis, smelled the strong pheromones, everything felt so familiar and addictive. However, after masturbating Nathan's penis for a while, I realized that self-pleasure was no longer enough to reach climax. I was craving and agonizing, but could I have sex with Nathan? No, I couldn't. The sound of intercourse is too loud, although Kevin sleeps deeply, I dare not take that risk. Could I have sex with Nathan? Absolutely not. I couldn't do that. No matter how high my desire peaks, I cannot completely betray Kevin . I have to protect this forbidden area for him.
I was still thinking, but as I looked at Nathan's penis, my body started to heat up. His penis seemed like a potent aphrodisiac, constantly releasing hormones, attacking my body's immune system. My body was on the verge of surrendering, I suppressed the desire to straddle Nathan's body and insert his penis into my vagina. Finally, when I had no other options, I was conquered by the charm of Nathan's masculine hormones. My mind was foggy, and I resorted to the only option available - I took Nathan's penis into my mouth. This was something I had never done for Kevin before, and unexpectedly, the first time I performed oral sex was for Nathan.
When the foul smell of Nathan's penis rushed into my mouth, I didn't feel disgusted. That smell was like a drug, making me unable to resist. At that moment, thoughts of Kevin crossed my mind, but they were fleeting, as my mind was controlled by desire.
Honey, let me be selfish just this once, even if it's only once. This is the only reason comforting myself in my heart. I truly cannot control my desires. I greedily enjoyed the taste of Nathan, the itching in my lower body becoming more intense. Slowly, Nathan woke up, but at that moment I felt no panic, instead, I felt that everything I was doing was what I should do for Nathan. I satisfied Nathan, but my body was not satisfied. My body seemed to uncontrollably assume the 69 position, and when Nathan sucked on my labia, with his penis in my mouth, I felt immense satisfaction.
At that moment, I had no guilt, no self-blame, no family, no ethics, only thoughts of Kevin flashing through my mind, but at that moment, my rationality was engulfed by the rising desire. I just wanted to enjoy everything I had at that moment.
Finally, I reached climax first, the feeling was like consuming a large amount of marijuana, as if a drug addict suddenly got their fix. After the climax, I continued to satisfy Nathan while still in the afterglow, but when Nathan ejaculated, he thrust his penis deep into my throat, and his semen shot out vigorously. Caught off guard, I swallowed a lot of Nathan's semen.
I rushed to the bathroom to rinse my mouth, take a shower. After the climax, I felt disgusted by Nathan's semen, imagining that thick, fishy semen going down my throat made me feel nauseous. I vomited desperately, but ultimately couldn't get rid of that dirty stuff.
After the climax, I regretted deeply. But can time be turned back? Can we go back to the past? Why was I so weak at that moment? Why couldn't I control myself? I scrubbed my body, but still felt so dirty, thinking of Kevin , I felt extreme guilt. The sweetness I felt just now turned into bitterness as tears streamed down my face.
Back in the bedroom, looking at Kevin sleeping soundly, I felt both pain and self-blame. I thought about how I had never performed oral sex for Kevin , but I did it for Nathan. My guilt towards Kevin reached its peak, and I just wanted to make it up to him, but was it really possible? I desperately performed oral sex for Kevin , but due to his physical condition, it was not successful in the end. Perhaps because I had accidentally swallowed Nathan's semen earlier, I felt like I had swallowed everything of Kevin , trying to give him better treatment than Nathan, but was it all in vain? Nathan had already enjoyed all of these treatments first. It was too late to make up for it.
Reflecting on what had just happened, I really didn't know what to do. Where should I go from here? I felt lost about the path ahead, as if a fog was blocking my view of the road.
As I pondered, the scene of giving oral sex to Nathan flashed in my mind again. Sadness, sorrow, self-blame, guilt all resurfaced in my heart. Everything had happened, and I couldn't go back. All I could say was: Honey, I'm sorry.
If one day Kevin finds out about all this, what should I do? He will definitely leave me. Sometimes, I imagine how I would feel if Kevin left me. After thinking for a long time, I finally determined my feelings and thoughts. If Kevin ever left me, I would only choose one path, which is to leave this world.
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