Chapter 223
On the way to Nathan's location, I kept struggling in my heart, do I really have to do this? Even if I'm willing, would Nathan and Katniss be willing? Perhaps I'm a weird man, actually thinking about having sex with my father and my own wife, and even afraid that they wouldn't want to. As the car moved forward, we arrived at the riverside. I parked the car by the river, stood by the river watching the rushing water, looking at some boats by the river. I couldn't move my feet for a long time.
"Forget it, at least I should go see Nathan, it's been a long time since I saw Nathan, right?" I thought to myself, as if I was looking for a reason to go to Nathan's place. I boarded a boat and it started sailing towards the small island where Nathan was. It had been a long time since Jennifer left, and I didn't know how Nathan was doing alone. If Michael hadn't answered a call from Nathan in front of me some time ago, maybe I wouldn't have been worried about Nathan long ago.
Slowly, Nathan's island appeared before my eyes. On the small boat, I took out my phone, found Nathan's number, but I hesitated to dial. I walked ashore, looking at the familiar trees and plants, the familiar gate. I walked along the path towards Nathan's small house. When Nathan's house came into view, I couldn't help but stop in my tracks. Memories flashed through my mind, the night on the island, this path, the bushes beside the path, the familiar house and gate. I shook my head, trying to push away the things I didn't want to face and remember, then took a deep breath and slowly walked towards Nathan's house, getting closer and closer.
Arriving at the door, I knocked, for some reason, I became polite even when facing my own father. But after knocking on the door, there was no response inside. I knocked again, still no response. I had no choice but to open the door. Upon opening the door, a foul smell hit me, as if the house had been uninhabited for a long time. I walked towards Nathan's bedroom, only to see cigarette butts and bottles scattered all over the room, making it difficult to walk, like a garbage dump.
My gaze fell on the bed, the once red sheets were now dirty, and in the middle of the dirty sheets, a disheveled, dirty-faced person lay there. He seemed to be sleeping soundly. After knocking on the door for a long time from outside and realizing he seemed to be drunk, emitting a strong smell of alcohol, I breathed a sigh of relief. This fallen man, like a beggar, was my father. The once strong Nathan had lost his former demeanor.
I sighed, silently lit a cigarette, smoked it, then picked up the unused vacuum cleaner in the kitchen to help Nathan clean up the room, clearing out all the cigarette butts and bottles. It took me about an hour to finish cleaning up. When I finished disposing of the trash and walked back into the house, I found that Nathan was already awake. He was sitting on the bed, yawning and stretching lazily. I had never seen him so disheveled and lazy.
When Nathan finished stretching and looked towards the door, his mouth, which had opened in a yawn, never closed. He saw me, his eyes showing nervousness, a hint of fear, and guilt. He seemed to think he was dreaming. He rubbed his sleepy eyes with his hand, and when he realized it was me, he quickly exclaimed, then covered himself back under the blanket, as if he had seen a devil. Yes, in Nathan's eyes now, I was the devil. He could confess to Jennifer, to anyone, but the only person he couldn't face was his own son. As a Nathan, he had caused irreparable harm to his own son.
"If I hadn't come here today and seen you like this, were you planning to continue to deteriorate like this forever?" I sighed, took out a cigarette, and said to the now somewhat unfamiliar Nathan. I smoked, watching Nathan shivering under the covers, waiting slowly. Time passed by minute by minute, everything seemed to be frozen except for time.
After a long silence, Nathan seemed to know that this day had to come, unable to avoid the past. He slowly let go of the blanket, sat up, and reached for something beside the bed. I knew what he was looking for. Without saying a word, I handed him a cigarette. He searched for something again, not daring to speak to me or look at me. I handed him the lighter, and he quickly lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag, as if sucking all the nicotine into his lungs without any extra air, at this moment, Nathan was like a drug addict.
"I know you came back to find me, but I didn't expect it to be so soon." This was the first thing Nathan said to me, his voice already hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken in a long time, with a lot of impurities in his voice. Indeed, if it weren't for Katniss, I wouldn't have come to see him so soon.
"Is this how you've been living recently?" I pointed to the almost empty bottles on the floor and asked.
"Yeah, it makes me feel a little better this way." Perhaps Nathan wanted to describe himself as drowning his sorrows in alcohol, but his sorrows were not that simple, so how could he put it into words.
"What would you have done if I hadn't come today?" The room was eerily quiet, every word we spoke was crystal clear, echoing in the empty room.
"Just continue like this, endure as long as I can." Nathan chuckled self-deprecatingly. Apart from the first glance when he saw me, he didn't look at me, lacking the face and courage to face me.
"I'm sorry for you, for Jennifer, for everyone." The third "sorry" Nathan wanted to say was for Katniss, but Katniss was now a very sensitive topic between me and Nathan, so when he was about to say it, he quickly stopped.
"Why don't you just commit suicide?" This was a thought in my mind, thinking of the scene where Nathan made Katniss wear a wedding dress, a scene that seemed to be an indelible pain in my heart. Although my words were somewhat disrespectful, it was also a way for me to vent a little.
"Kevin, I have thought about suicide, but I worry about you all. I often call you, Michael, and Sophia, asking about your situations. Your relationships have just started to improve, not fully restored yet, at least the family hasn't returned to its original state. I'm waiting, waiting for all of you to be safe and sound, for the family to be restored to its original state, then I can rest assured. Also, I admit, I don't even have the courage to commit suicide. I'm afraid of living, and even more afraid of dying. I'm afraid of meeting your mother after death, I'm afraid of going to hell, I'm afraid of being tormented in hell forever. Perhaps there is no place for me anywhere now." As Nathan spoke, he smiled, but tears welled up in his eyes. As he spoke, it seemed like he didn't manage the frequency of speaking and smoking well, and he started coughing loudly.
"Katniss had an accident, Jennifer left, the whole family paid a huge price for it. I don't want to talk about anything else, let it all pass." Hearing Nathan's words, I also remembered what Jennifer said to me on the phone. No matter what happens in the future, he is still my father, my blood runs through his veins, and I have an obligation to take care of him. And knowing the ins and outs of the situation, I knew Nathan's mistakes were limited, I couldn't blame him too much for the mistakes, I should blame myself more.
"Can we go back to the past?" After hearing my words, Nathan stopped smoking, turned to look at me, with a mix of relief and joy in his eyes, but the guilt in his eyes seemed deeper.
"I can forgive you." I threw away the cigarette butt and said.
"But I can't forgive myself." Nathan also threw away the cigarette butt, then lay back on the bed, seeming lazy and indifferent.
"Do you not want to atone for what you've done?" Seeing Nathan like this, it seemed like he was determined to continue to deteriorate.
"Atonement? Do I still have a chance to atone?" Nathan opened his eyes upon hearing my words, looking at the ceiling, as if talking to me, or talking to himself.
"Get up, go clean yourself up." I didn't want to continue to dwell on this topic with Nathan. Seeing him in this fallen state, I really didn't have the courage to continue the conversation, and I temporarily suppressed the original thought.
After hearing my words, Nathan got up and walked unsteadily to the kitchen. I watched his back, perhaps during this time he had been numbing himself with cigarettes and alcohol, surviving in a daze, almost without eating to fill his hunger. After washing up, Nathan seemed to have returned to his original state except for his expression. I saw Nathan finishing cleaning up, then turning to walk outside. Nathan's expression was similar to Katniss's, seeming a bit timid. Perhaps they both shared a common point, both seemed to think that the person they had wronged the most was me.
As I walked to the front door, I noticed there were no footsteps behind me. I turned to look, and saw Nathan standing still, unsure of what to do. Since I didn't speak, Nathan didn't know whether to follow me or turn back.
"I'll take you to eat something, we can talk while we eat." I said to Nathan, then he continued walking towards me. From the moment Nathan finished washing up, he had a puzzled expression, as if he couldn't figure out what I was thinking. Perhaps my behavior today at his place was different from what he had expected, I didn't scold him, didn't mention those things. To anyone, all of this seemed abnormal, but Nathan didn't have the courage to ask, carrying his guilt towards me, he could only do what I said.
I took Nathan to a relatively large wooden house on the island, a popular restaurant on the island. We got a private room, ordered some dishes, and also some wine. After ordering the food, we sat in silence, Nathan didn't dare to speak to me, just staring at the menu for a long time, trying to hide his guilt and embarrassment. As for me, I was conflicted internally. Honestly, at this moment, I hadn't decided whether I should go through with it. Since the incident with Katniss, I seemed to have become much more cautious, considering the possible consequences of my actions, preparing for the worst.
I lit another cigarette, as if nicotine could make me more alert, the thick smoke slowly filled the extremely quiet private room.
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