Chapter 144 Anesthesia
"Pregnant? This word is more eye-catching than anal sex. I thought Katniss and Nathan had crossed the boundaries of anal sex, but after reading the diary, I realized that anal sex never happened. However, the possibility of pregnancy made me feel even more painful and heartbroken. Missed period for forty days, am I really pregnant?
I have always trusted the contraceptive ring too much, but can its contraceptive effect really reach 100%? If I had to choose between pregnancy and anal sex, I would rather choose anal sex.
My breathing became more and more rapid, as if asthma was about to suffocate me. I covered my chest, feeling the coldness all over my body, as if I had suddenly lost all my body temperature. I have never been so afraid before. I tried to control my emotions, I tried hard to control them. I kept telling and comforting myself in my heart: it's not confirmed yet, I must stay calm, at least I need to know if the contraceptive ring can really prevent pregnancy 100%.
I adjusted my breathing, comforting myself in my heart, hoping that it was all a false alarm. After closing Katniss's diary, I tremblingly opened a webpage to search for information about the contraceptive ring. I prayed in my heart, hoping that the contraceptive ring would be my last straw, there must be no accidents. However, reality dealt me a heavy blow. The search results showed that even with the contraceptive ring, there were precedents of contraceptive failure leading to pregnancy.
It turns out that there is indeed a possibility of pregnancy even with the contraceptive ring. I can't describe my feelings at this moment. The last strand of hope shattered, my despair and pain at this moment, except for my mother's death, this is the most intense I have ever felt.
My hands tightly gripped the computer monitor. If I didn't hold onto it, I was afraid I would collapse on the floor. I wished I could dig my fingers into the screen of the monitor. I squeezed the computer monitor, as if it was the only support for my body. My head drooped weakly, I took deep breaths, feeling the sweat dripping from my face, as if I was about to faint. I tried my best to stay alert and maintain balance.
Nathan and Katniss will gradually end their intimate relationship, everything will return to how it was before. But if Katniss is really pregnant, will things go back to how they were? If Katniss is indeed pregnant, whose child is it? Mine? Or Nathan's?
It's possible for both. I am still young, and my sperm must be more active than Nathan's, so in terms of the probability of pregnancy, the child is more likely to be mine. But looking at it from another perspective, Nathan's ejaculation volume is much larger than mine. Thinking about Nathan's thick white semen flowing out of Katniss's vagina, it seems like Nathan's sperm count is even higher than mine, which should offset the activity of my sperm.
Moreover, Nathan's penis is much longer than mine, making it easier to penetrate Katniss's cervix and ejaculate deep into her uterus. Comparing these two points, most likely, the child is Nathan's. Overall, Nathan increases Katniss's chances of conception more than I do.
Before Katniss and Nathan had a relationship, we had specifically discussed having a second child. Nathan suggested that we have a second child. We already have a son, and Katniss has always wanted a daughter. Having a son and a daughter would make our family livelier and happier. If the second child is a son, with our financial strength, raising two children would not be a problem. However, after a brief discussion at that time, our busy work schedules disrupted our plans, and we never truly discussed the topic again. Now this wish may unintentionally come true, but I never expected it to happen in such a complicated family relationship.
If Katniss is really pregnant this time, what should I do? Should the child be kept? If Katniss is really pregnant, is the life growing in her belly my child or my brother or sister?
Sitting at my desk, I felt sweat trickling down my cheeks. I looked at the photo of Katniss and me on the desk, a photo from our college days when we looked a bit naive, but so happy. Was I looking for some comfort in the photo? But seeing her now only brings me more pain.
I don't know what to do now. I checked the real-time monitoring at home and saw Katniss still lying on our marital bed. She was lying on her back, looking exhausted. These past few days have mentally tortured her to the brink of collapse. Her once soft hair now seemed dull and slightly messy. I might end up like her, or even worse.
My gaze moved to her abdomen through the camera. Her belly was still as flat as before, surrounded by slender waist. I wish I had eyes with ultrasound capabilities to see if there was a life growing beneath her flat belly. If Katniss is really pregnant, if we don't do anything about it, her flat belly will grow bigger and eventually give birth to a new life.
Reading Katniss's diary almost made me collapse. I regretted reading it, thinking it would ease my inner pain. But it hit me like a thunderbolt, leaving me at a loss for what to do. I feel numb, as if I have taken too many drugs, my whole body tingling, as if all my senses have shut down, my mind foggy. Why, why does life, which was supposed to return to calm, suddenly bring turmoil? Is God punishing me? Punishing me for my foolish thoughts and actions in the past? Making me face the consequences now.
No wonder these past few days, when Katniss seemed sad, her expression seemed to contain something else. I found it strange at first, not knowing why, thinking it was just my imagination. But now, I realize there was another reason behind it. Thinking about Katniss's submissive behavior towards me these days, even unintentionally kneeling down, she must be under immense pressure, even more than me. She must be feeling extremely helpless and desperate, but she continues to endure it with strength. Even with a glimmer of hope, she won't give up on our relationship and this family. Is this the reason I should accept this situation?
If Katniss is really pregnant, what should I do? How should I treat her? First of all, if I still love Katniss, if I still want this family, I must change my attitude towards Katniss starting tomorrow. I already know the pressure she is under, and if I continue to pressure her, she might suddenly break down mentally and do something extreme. These past few days, despite my anger, I can't lose Katniss. I can't imagine Katniss leaving me, what state I would be in. Simon and Katniss have always been my motivation for living and working hard. Losing half of that motivation would make my future life unimaginable.
After all, Katniss is a woman, with a lower tolerance for pressure than men. If she stubbornly can't accept it, and I lose Katniss, and Simon loses his mother, would this family still be whole? These past two days, my tough approach has yielded results. In the coming days, I should use love and tolerance to influence Katniss, let her know what it means to regain something lost, and truly understand my place in her heart and how important this family is to her.
Take it step by step. After all, it's not confirmed yet whether Katniss is really pregnant or it's a false alarm. It's too early to make a decision now. I can't lose my composure at this moment. Even if something unexpected happens, I must ensure that things develop in the right direction, without making any mistakes, or I might lose everything.
Perhaps I was tired of standing, so I slumped into the wicker chair by the window. It was the right decision not to go home tonight. Being in the office allows me to be alone and quiet. Not seeing Katniss, not seeing Nathan, the extroverted me usually enjoys the company of others, but now I find solace in this solitude. Suddenly, my fingers felt a sharp pain. I turned to see that the cigarette had burned down to the filter and was scorching my fingers.
Am I so numb now? It took me so long to feel the pain from the cigarette ash burning my fingers? I extinguished the cigarette, lit another one, and smoked it. Tonight without alcohol, I used cigarettes to replace the liquor, allowing myself to temporarily numb the pain, although the feeling was faint. I took heavy drags of the cigarette, letting the nicotine spread through my body, gradually calming me down.
I forced myself to think rationally about this situation. I can't lose my composure, let my impulsive emotions control me. Relying on nicotine and my strong stress resistance, I began to think. Imagining myself as an outsider, not Katniss's husband, I realized that the final outcome of this situation depends on Katniss. It's up to her to decide if she is pregnant, if she wants this child. If her decision doesn't align with mine, I'll have to figure out another way.
Katniss doesn't want to reveal everything, why should I be any different? If everything is revealed, it will definitely strain our relationship, even if we forgive each other, can we go back to how things were before? So, knowing this, I have no intention of revealing everything.
What if Katniss is pregnant? How should I treat her? If I still love Katniss and want this family, I must change my attitude towards her starting tomorrow. After all, I now know the pressure Katniss is under. If I continue to pressure her, and she suddenly breaks down mentally, I would regret it. These past few days, despite my anger, I can't lose Katniss. I can't imagine Katniss leaving me, what state I would be in. Simon and Katniss have always been my motivation for living and working hard. Losing half of that motivation would make my future life unimaginable.
After all, Katniss is a woman, with a lower tolerance for pressure than men. If she stubbornly can't accept it, and I lose Katniss, and Simon loses his mother, would this family still be whole? These past two days, my tough approach has yielded results. In the coming days, I should use love and tolerance to influence Katniss, let her know what it means to regain something lost, and truly understand my place in her heart and how important this family is to her.
Take it step by step. After all, it's not confirmed yet whether Katniss is really pregnant or it's a false alarm. It's too early to make a decision now. I can't lose my composure at this moment. Even if something unexpected happens, I must ensure that things develop in the right direction, without making any mistakes, or I might lose everything.
Perhaps I was tired of standing, so I slumped into the wicker chair by the window. It was the right decision not to go home tonight. Being in the office allows me to be alone and quiet. Not seeing Katniss, not seeing Nathan, the extroverted me usually enjoys the company of others, but now I find solace in this solitude. Suddenly, my fingers felt a sharp pain. I turned to see that the cigarette had burned down to the filter and was scorching my fingers.
Am I so numb now? It took me so long to feel the pain from the cigarette ash burning my fingers? I extinguished the cigarette, lit another one, and smoked it. Tonight without alcohol, I used cigarettes to replace the liquor, allowing myself to temporarily numb the pain, although the feeling was faint. I took heavy drags of the cigarette, letting the nicotine spread through my body, gradually calming me down.
I forced myself to think rationally about this situation. I can't lose my composure, let my impulsive emotions control me. Relying on nicotine and my strong stress resistance, I began to think. Imagining myself as an outsider, not Katniss's husband, I realized that the final outcome of this situation depends on Katniss. It's up to her to decide if she is pregnant, if she wants this child. If her decision doesn't align with mine, I'll have to figure out another way."
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