Chapter 199
Watching Nathan and Jennifer talking, it seems like Jennifer doesn't really know the true cause of the situation. If she knew, the atmosphere between Jennifer, Michael, and Sophia wouldn't be so harmonious. Jennifer and Nathan are chatting simply, and the atmosphere feels very sad.
"You should go back, I'll take care of Kevin here. Just take care of the house," Nathan said to Jennifer after chatting for over an hour.
"Alright, you take care and rest. I'll come back tomorrow morning to bring you food," Jennifer said as she got up, then glanced tenderly at me lying on the sickbed.
Shortly after, Michael also came over, exchanged brief greetings with Nathan, and then left. Sophia was taking care of Katniss on the other side, almost taking turns on night duty. Katniss's condition is better, maybe she will fully recover in a few days. Before long, in the spacious intensive care unit, there were only Nathan and me left.
Nathan sat alone on a chair, far away from my body. He seemed afraid to be alone in this room, looking very worried and scared without anyone else. With no one else around, he finally dropped all pretenses, his face showing extreme sorrow. Occasionally, he would rub his face with his hands, or sneak a glance at me lying unconscious.
Nathan sat dejectedly by himself, occasionally shaking his head or hitting the chair with his hand. It was evident that his emotions had become extremely complex. Every time he looked at me, the guilt and fear in his eyes were indescribable. After some time passed, Nathan seemed to have figured something out. He moved his chair slowly next to me.
"Kevin, I don't know if you can hear me right now, maybe you can't hear anything at all. From my experience when I was in a coma, I could only feel something right before waking up. You probably don't want to hear my voice right now," Nathan said as he sat beside me.
"When the incident happened, even when the idea first crossed my mind, I was afraid. What if everything was exposed? How would I face you, how would I face your deceased mother? But my self-control was just too weak. I often told myself, one last time, let me feel it one last time, I will change afterwards. But each time I advised and comforted myself like this, I kept making the same mistakes. People say lust is a deadly weapon, and I used that weapon to harm my own son," Nathan said blankly, looking at the foot of the bed, as if narrating and talking to himself.
"When you found out, I knew it was all over. All the relief and fantasies I held onto were shattered. I was dumbfounded, desperate. I knew I would lose everything - family, love, being shunned by society. I am paying the price for my mistakes, but why are you so naive? No, maybe you just can't understand. If I were you, maybe I couldn't bear it and would choose to end my life."
"Now I don't want anything, I just want you to wake up. I want to atone, but no matter what I do, this sin cannot be redeemed. I want to commit suicide, but it's not possible right now. If I die too, who will take care of this household? Who will take care of Simon? So until you wake up, I have to persevere. If you wake up, I won't even have the courage to commit suicide. I'm afraid to face your mother after death. I have no face to see you while alive, and no face to see your mother after death."
"I've lived more than half a lifetime, and I've never felt so helpless. Even when your mother was seriously ill, I never felt this way. After you wake up, I just hope you can forgive Katniss, maintain this household, and I might leave and never come back, find a place to spend the rest of my life quietly, undisturbed by anyone."
"Even though I don't know how to face you when you wake up, I still hope you do. Really, you don't have to see me as a father, but I will always see you as my son."
"See me as your son?" Hearing Nathan say this, I couldn't help but laugh. When you and Katniss were making love over and over again, where did your son go? Although I know there is sincerity in Nathan's words, after the betrayal between us, all sincerity has turned into falsehood.
Do I want to die? Honestly, I don't want to die at all. Even without love, I still have family affection, not with Nathan, but with Simon, my son. Originally, I had no intention of revealing Nathan and Katniss's secret, I planned to leave with Simon, resign from my job, give up all my assets to Nathan and Katniss, and start a new life in a place where they could never find us. Life is full of ups and downs, why endure torment in one place? I consider myself a strong person, as long as I have a shred of concern, I will live on. As for how Katniss and Nathan explain my and Simon's disappearance to friends and lovers after I leave, that's up to them. I leave time and space to you both, let Nathan and Katniss form a family, it's for the best, right?
I am drifting in the ward, constantly imagining. At this moment, I wonder, will I ever wake up? Do I have to keep drifting like this? I remember seeing on TV that when the soul actively merges with the body, the person wakes up. Thinking of this, I decided to try. If I can't wake up, and after a few days, my soul dissipates, and my body dies without a soul, I would be so unwilling.
I quickly floated towards my body, then lay down along with my body. However, for some reason, after my soul and body merged, they didn't synchronize. I looked at Nathan, then moved my limbs when he wasn't paying attention, only to find that my soul's shadow was moving, while my body remained still, as if my soul couldn't control my body anymore.
Oh no, what should I do? Am I going to die like this? Will my soul become a ghost afterwards? Who can teach me what to do? At this moment, I remembered those fortune tellers, priests, and missionaries. If I could find someone who can communicate with spirits like on TV, maybe I could get better? But I can't speak now, how do I tell someone to help me? My soul can't stray too far from my body, and at this moment, I am truly afraid. I worry about Simon, my only concern, and I don't want to die and inadvertently let Nathan and Katniss off the hook, without facing any consequences. I want to scream again, but I find that I can't make any sound.
And so, in a daze, two days passed. Finally, in the ward, I saw Katniss, who had already recovered. She seemed completely recovered, no longer wearing a patient gown. However, her spirit seemed somewhat worn out. After her recovery, she came to my ward immediately and stayed there almost 24/7, despite the attempts of Michael, Sophia, and Nathan to persuade her otherwise. During these days, I noticed a phenomenon - as time passed, my soul seemed to weaken, and I felt increasingly exhausted. If this continued, my soul would gradually dissipate with the passage of time, and I would probably die for real. For the first time, I felt fear of death.
At night, only Nathan and Katniss were left. It was the first time they stayed together overnight. Nathan had been accompanying me at night, which wasn't unusual, but Katniss, after fully recovering, was extremely cold towards Nathan. It was as if she treated Nathan as a stranger, keeping her distance, seemingly wanting to completely sever ties with Nathan from now on, regardless of whether I was alive or dead.
Katniss sat silently beside me, staring blankly at my unconscious state, while Nathan sat far away against the wall. Nathan occasionally glanced at Katniss's back, then at me lying unconscious. Anyone in this situation would feel helpless. The events and setbacks this time seemed to surpass all the setbacks in Nathan's first half of life. Every time I saw Katniss and Nathan alone together at night, I couldn't help but fantasize. But tonight, I didn't. All I had was my concern for myself. I couldn't believe I couldn't wake up, and I felt so unwilling to die. I wanted to live, my will to survive was strong.
At this moment, I noticed that Katniss seemed to be thinking about something. Watching her deep in thought, I couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope. After all, didn't Katniss successfully wake Nathan up before? Was she now trying to stimulate me awake? As my fading soul surrounded Katniss, I couldn't help but feel a sense of expectation. Perhaps only Katniss could save me now. How would Katniss stimulate me? Remembering how Katniss woke Nathan up before, at this moment, I couldn't help but daydream.
After contemplating for a while, Katniss sighed softly, then began to talk to me while gently wiping my hands. She spoke a lot, starting from when we first met, reminiscing and narrating happy moments. Katniss spoke with happiness, sometimes reminiscing, sometimes looking forward to the future. Nathan, like a stranger, listened to Katniss's narration, seemingly affected by emotions, almost entranced. As time passed, I tried repeatedly to merge my soul with my body, but after many attempts, I still didn't wake up. Was Katniss's stimulation not enough? And as time went by, Katniss seemed to realize this too, becoming more and more worried.
Katniss seemed to feel despair, wanting to cry but holding back. Then she seemed to think of something, turning her gaze to Nathan behind her. Seeing Nathan, then looking at me, she seemed to have an idea, a glimmer of hope reignited in her eyes.
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