Chapter 143 Thunderbolt
Thinking about Katniss's journal entry at the end, the expression contained so much, there was fear, regret, helplessness, and deep guilt. What exactly happened? I don't know why, seeing Katniss's complex emotions, I also felt scared. Did something happen that even the strong Katniss couldn't bear?
Before opening Katniss's forum, I was already speculating, could it be related to that night? Could it be anal sex? I don't know why, this dark thought popped into my mind. In the past, I had mentioned anal sex to Katniss, but she didn't think it was a normal way of making love, and she couldn't accept that kind of sexual activity herself. From her expression at that time, I saw determination, so after a few rejections from Katniss, I never brought up anal sex with her again.
Could it be that on that night, with the help of sexual drugs, Katniss had a breakthrough with Nathan? Was Katniss's virgin territory in her anus taken over and explored by Nathan? Thinking of Nathan's egg-sized glans penetrating Katniss's pink, tight anus, I felt fear, as if I had suddenly lost the most beloved thing.
Calm down, I must stay calm, things are not clear yet, it's too early to jump to conclusions.
I have two ways to find answers now, first is to read Katniss's journal, which is the quickest way. If Katniss's journal doesn't clarify things, then there are surveillance videos to check. Finding answers is not difficult for me, it's just that the surveillance video feels like Pandora's box, I have been hesitant to open it, afraid that it might change my attitude and feelings towards Katniss.
After much thought, I decided to start with the quickest method. I logged into Katniss's forum and then opened her newly written journal entry:
"Fear, this is the first time I truly felt fear, the fear of losing my family and marriage. I have always carefully navigated between Kevin and Nathan, selfishly enjoying the love Kevin gives me and the sex Nathan provides. I thought I could greedily enjoy the spiritual and physical sustenance from both men."
"I was wrong, I seemed to have never truly considered what consequences would be faced when things were exposed. If one day, my affair with Nathan is revealed, how will Kevin treat me and this family? He might choose divorce, breaking up the family; or he might choose to forgive, but he will never turn a blind eye, even if he forgives me in the end, I will not be pure in his eyes, I might lose his love, and this family would be destroyed."
"Just a few days ago, I don't know what I ate wrong, I actually, while Kevin was at home and drunk, sneaked into Nathan's room and had sex with Nathan. I don't know why that night I was so sexually hungry, risking a lot to have an affair with Nathan, completely disregarding Kevin at home. In my previous journal entry, I planned to cut off the ambiguous relationship with Nathan, but I broke that promise and vow. I hate myself, am I really going to be controlled by lust? Is my body really unable to be without Nathan? Has sex surpassed love, dominating it? These days, I suddenly hate myself, why am I so despicable? Am I still the real me?"
Reading this, I also felt helpless. If it wasn't for that night when Katniss mistakenly took sexual drugs, would there still be that story and this journal entry? If there's blame, the biggest mistake should be on me, can everything be considered as choices of fate? Katniss has always been torn between sex and love, and the one who truly disrupted the balance between the two is me, I might be the biggest victim now.
Katniss hates herself for being despicable in the journal, should I also hate myself for deserving it? From the beginning of pushing, from the moment Katniss and Nathan truly became interested in each other, I have replayed this process countless times, the only thing I may have gained is the gradual recovery of my body and the deepening of perverse ideas.
Physically recovered, but it seems that my mind is starting to have problems, is this result not a bit too much for me? If in the future Katniss and Nathan completely cut off their relationship, my mental state may recover, but will my physical issues worsen?
Stop thinking, keep reading, my focus now is to find the answers I want.
"During this time, my spirit has been greatly shaken, for many reasons. First, after having sex with Nathan, I returned to Kevin with a nervous heart. After sex with Nathan, my desires were completely released, and my mind suddenly cleared."
"Back in the bedroom, looking at Kevin still asleep, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken, very sorry for Kevin . He must be dreaming beautifully at this moment, unaware that in reality, a nightmare has happened, his beloved wife had sex with another man while he was dreaming."
"After the release of desire comes clarity and regret, thinking about the various things between me and Kevin in the past, imagining Kevin working hard and tired for this family, thinking about our vows, I truly questioned myself for the first time, what have I done. Having sex with Nathan while Kevin was at home, this irrational behavior made me truly feel fear and regret for the first time."
"After the pleasure of sex with Nathan, what I felt was not happiness, but endless sadness and self-blame after sobering up. That night, there was no afterglow of climax, only endless pain and sadness. Facing away from Kevin , I don't know how long I cried in bed."
"The most worrying thing happened the next morning, because I slept too late the night before, I overslept in the morning and didn't make breakfast for Kevin , the first time this happened. And when Kevin woke up, he didn't wake me up and went straight to work. If it wasn't for Nathan waking me up later, I don't know how long I would have slept."
"I rushed to get up and get ready, barely had time to put on makeup before hurriedly going to work, but I was still late, a full half an hour late, the first time in history. The department supervisor didn't criticize me much, just followed the company's clock-in system and deducted half a day's pay."
"My colleagues at the company started teasing me, saying I had a rosy complexion, that I must have reached a climax with my husband last night, that's why I was late. How could they know that it was Nathan, not my husband, who brought me to climax last night?"
"The teasing from my colleagues combined with my self-blame from last night made my mood even worse, and why didn't my husband wake me up in the morning? According to my husband's usual habits, he would definitely wake up early and wake me up, but he left me alone at home, making me feel abandoned."
"At that moment, without much thought, I called Kevin to hold him accountable, but what I didn't expect was that Kevin actually cursed at me on the phone for the first time, said insulting words to me, something we had never experienced from dating to now, and he even hung up on me."
"Holding the phone, I felt like everything was unreal, as if I hadn't completely woken up from last night's dream, none of this was real, was this still the Kevin who treated me with respect? "
"I thought about the reason, and I thought of the terrible reason, that Kevin might have found out about last night. Although I tried hard to control my moans while with Nathan, when I reached climax, I still let out a few loud moans, could Kevin have heard them? Since last night, I have been confident that Kevin was dead drunk, he wouldn't wake up even at a symphony concert, but accidents happen, who can guarantee that Kevin wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom?"
"My brain was controlled by lust last night, I didn't consider so many unexpected factors. No, thinking of this possibility, thinking of the consequences I might face, I was scared, I was in a panic, I felt so helpless for the first time."
"I desperately called my husband, he didn't pick up the first time, so I called a second time, I was determined, I had to keep calling until he answered. One time, two times, three times, with each call, my inner fear deepened, and finally, Kevin 's phone was turned off. When I heard Kevin 's phone turn off, I called a second time to confirm, yes, turned off."
"At that moment, without hesitation, I grabbed my bag and ran desperately outside the company, ignoring the calls from my colleagues and supervisor behind me. Wearing high heels, as I reached the company's gate, my shoe almost slipped off, and I even sprained my foot, but after a quick fix, I still limped on to find Kevin . I was afraid, afraid that if I couldn't find him now, I might never see him again, I was afraid, afraid of losing him."
At this point, I recalled the day when Katniss walked into the office, limping, I thought she had a numb leg, but it turns out she had fallen before coming. I didn't see the scene before Katniss came to my company, but now, understanding Katniss's emotions and situation from her journal, my heart was slightly relieved, at least Katniss still cared deeply about me, which gave me some comfort.
"Kneeling down, when I saw Kevin , I knelt down for him for the first time, although he might not know about me and Nathan, I truly confessed to him for the first time, I sought redemption. Kevin 's attitude towards me was very cold, I always wanted to know the reason, whether Kevin knew about me and Nathan, but Kevin didn't say anything, no hint of related information, at that moment, I finally had a glimmer of hope, as long as Kevin didn't know about me and Nathan, I still had a chance to redeem myself, as long as I cut off ties with Nathan, forever keep this secret, I was willing to spend the rest of my life by Kevin 's side, even if Kevin made me suffer."
"However, just when I finally had hope, reigniting hope for my future life, a bolt from the blue suddenly struck again, almost knocking me down and unable to get up. My period has been delayed this month, it's been about forty days."
"Although women's periods occasionally get delayed, this is the first time for me, and it's happening at such a sensitive and special time. The contraceptive ring has always been my confidence, but I heard that even with the contraceptive ring, there have been cases of accidental pregnancies. Could it be that my period hasn't come because I'm actually pregnant? If I am pregnant, is the child Nathan's or Kevin 's? Don't even talk about going to the hospital for a check-up now, I don't even have the courage to buy a pregnancy test kit."
"What should I do? I pray to God, please, please don't let me be pregnant."
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