Feeling Guilty

Brennan

I sat still as Doc cleaned my face up, stitching the deep gash on my forehead while lecturing me about fighting. I didn’t need her to tell me that I was wrong. I didn’t need her to tell me that violence never solved anything. I already knew it. I had snapped when he said what he said about Leah. She was mine, and I didn’t like hearing that she had intentionally kissed another man along with telling him her name. For as pissed as Doc was at me, I was triply—no, not triply, infinitely more pissed at myself. When I yelled at her, she had such fear in her eyes. It was a look that I knew I would never forget. Especially considering I had been the one to put it there. I felt terrible for scaring her. At the time all I saw was red. I wanted to beat the bastard to death for even thinking he stood a chance with Leah.

When Doc finished cleaning my face, she rolled her eyes before stomping out of the building, leaving me to clean up the mess she left behind. I sighed as I did so before collapsing in bed. I hadn’t slept all night, racing back to Eden to make sure that he didn’t make a move on Leah. I hadn’t expected seeing her in his arms to make my anger blow up so intensely. I had seen it a number of other times, and it never had that effect on me. Now I knew why Joseph was so protective over Madison. If this was what love did, I wasn’t so sure that I wanted it. Not if it was going to turn me into someone that I wasn’t.

I sighed as I rolled onto my stomach to bury my face in my pillow. Maybe I should just tell her to leave Eden. Maybe I should just turn Eden over to Doc. She could efficiently run the community without me. There really wasn’t anything keeping me here anymore. My safe place had become a living hell in a matter of weeks. And it wasn’t an environment that I would thrive in. I used to enjoy the quietness of the night. All the hours, between when people went into their homes until they started to stir in the morning, were my favorite moments. I got to walk around and just be in awe of the world that I had built. A haven for the abused, which I had probably just ruined by fighting Armadillo.

I rolled over onto my side, facing the side of the bed that Leah had slept on when she was there for me to hold. I sighed again as the thought that she would never be in my arms again hit me. It was a heartbreaking thought. One I never thought that I would have. I was devastated, and the depression that I spent the last week fighting had taken over with a vengeance. All I wanted to do was lie in bed. It fucking sucked. I squeezed my eyes shut, praying that sleep would come and give me a few hours of something similar to peace. Numbness.

*****

I was startled awake when my computer started to make loud noises, alerting me to someone pressing the button to come up to my office. I scrambled out of bed to race to my desk to see who it was. I was terrified that it was Leah coming to tell me that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. Or worse, that she wanted to leave Eden. I knew that I had decided not to be with her, but I was proving, yet again, how truly selfish I was, wanting to keep her close to me so I could keep an eye on her.

“Fuck!” I grunted when I saw Armadillo continuously pressing the up button.

After about 30 seconds, he released it as he stepped back to look up at the camera. “I know you’re up there! We need to talk about Leah.”

As I debated whether or not I would be able to handle being in his presence at that moment, he went back to holding the button down, making me groan. He wasn’t going to leave until I spoke to him. To hell with it. I gave the elevator the order to go downstairs and retrieve him while I leaned back in my chair, trying to look relaxed. When the elevator doors opened, I couldn’t help but stiffen as he walked out. He held his hands up.

“I didn’t come to fight, R. H. M. I really do just want to talk. I want to right a few wrongs that I created. If you would allow me,” he said as he moved to sit in the chair in front of my desk.

I sat up straighter as I eyed him. “What wrongs? What are you talking about?”

He sighed. “Some things that you think happened between Phoenix and me didn’t. Including how I found out her name. She didn’t tell me. I heard your brother’s woman say her name. That’s how I knew it. She knows my real name, but I never outright asked her for hers.”

I agitatedly tapped my fingers on the desk. “Is there anything else?”

When he straightened up, I tensed more in anticipation of another brawl. If another one broke out, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to restrain my anger enough to keep from killing him.

“We didn’t have sex. When she kissed me, I knew it wasn’t what she really wanted to do, so I stopped us from going further. I didn’t want to make love to her for the first time because she was mourning for you. I wanted it to be because she wanted to give herself to me. I am sorry that I let you believe we had. Phoenix is a good girl. She wouldn’t have cheated on you. I don’t know if you notice, but she loves you. This isn’t fair to her. All she wants is you. Why can’t you see that?”

I looked away from him, not wanting to answer his question. I had already confided to one person why I was having a hard time with Leah’s love, and that was the only person who needed to know. I didn’t owe Armadillo’s ass any explanation. He sighed as he stood up.

“Alright, don’t tell me. I can’t help you try to work this out with her if I don’t understand what’s going on,” he told me.

I shook my head. “I don’t believe you want to help me. I think that you drive a wedge between us so that you can have her. I see how you look at her. It’s the same way I look at her. I know the lengths I would go to in order to have her. So what makes you think I don’t know what you would do to have her?”

He put his hands flat on my desk before leaning over it a little to get in my face. “Because, R. H. M., I’m not you. I’m not afraid of feeling emotions. I’m not afraid of telling her that I love her and making sure that she is confident in my words. You could have the entire world with her, but you choose to hide up here all alone to avoid emotions. You will never deserve her by doing that. She deserves someone who is going to show up for her. She deserves to have someone who is consistent. If you can’t be that for her, let her go. I mean really let her go. Set her free from this agony.”

“Why? So you can have her? That’s what this is all about anyway, isn’t it? Destroy my relationship so you can build your own on the bricks of mine?” I spat.

He sighed as he straightened back up. “Believe it or not, I wanted you to come back because it was what would make her happy. Not me. Her. If being with you is what she wants, then I will support her. Loving her doesn’t mean that I have to have her. She is not a thing to be owned. She is not ‘property.’ She is Phoenix. A beautiful but damaged spirit that I thought you could help fix. But all you did was make it worse. You fucked up. Not me. I tried to give you an opportunity to make up with her. To explain to her whatever you needed to explain to her, but you overlooked the chance to fix it. Unlike you, I’m not going to let my mistakes fester.”

He turned around to leave, pausing to wait for the elevator to open.

“What do you mean? What are you going to do? Where are you going?” I asked as I got to my feet, prepared to fight him all over again.

He looked at me over his shoulder. “It’s not just you that I have to explain things to. And she just happens to be more important to me than you are.” He shrugged. “I’ll see you later. Or maybe not. I’d say, ‘Wish me luck,’ but I know you're probably praying that she kicks me out.”

I watched the elevator doors close before I yelled out in fury. I was pissed that because of him and his lies, I had traumatized Leah. And she would probably never speak to me again. Not that I could truly blame him. I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong. But I hadn’t been able to stop myself.

“Well, fuck!