All I've Ever Wanted

Leah

I stared at him in complete shock. I hadn’t thought he would actually show up. “Br-Brennan! You came.”

He took a step back. “I can leave if you want…”

I reached out to grab his arm. “No! Stay. I mean, umm. Hi.”

His eyes softened as he looked at me. “Hi, Phoenix.”

“Do you want to come in?” I asked, hesitantly, unsure of how he would react.

He opened his mouth before closing it again to nod. I stepped back away from the door to let him inside before smiling a little as Sugar bounded down the hallway to jump on him, whining loudly while her body vibrated with happiness. I guess I wasn’t the only one who had missed him. I let her enthusiastically lick his face for a moment before pulling her off of him. I nodded my head toward the kitchen.

“Would you like a glass of wine or something?” I inquired.

“Umm, no. I’ll pass on the wine, but I’ll take some coffee. If you have some, I mean,” he told me.

I nodded. “Yeah. I can make some coffee.”

He followed me into the kitchen, where he sat at the bar, watching me as I moved around the kitchen setting the coffee pot up to make some. Once I flipped the button to the on position, I stood in front of the coffee pot, too anxious to turn around and face Brennan. I had wanted to see him, but now I didn’t know what to say. When he sighed, I spun around to look at him, frowning when he looked more tired in the kitchen than he had on the porch. I took a step toward him.

“Are you alright, Brennan?” I murmured softly.

“Actually, Phoenix, I’m not. Not really,” he admitted, running his fingers through his hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I questioned him as I slowly ran my eyes over his face.

“I want to apologize, Phoenix. I lashed out at you when I shouldn’t have. I pushed you away when I should have drawn you closer. I hurt you after I promised not to do that anymore. I should have taken a step back and asked you for some time to process what had happened. I should have taken everything that I had learned from Ramira and used it. I knew it would hurt you, but all I thought about was me. And I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back and change how I acted toward you, but I can’t. Trust me when I say if I could, I would. Without hesitation.” He took a deep breath. “I am sorry, Phoenix. For what I said to you. I know that you don’t lie. You have never lied to me about anything. I trust you. I know you probably don’t feel the same way about me, and you probably don’t want anything to do with me now, but I am begging you. Even if you never want to be with me again in that way, please forgive me.”

I sighed as I walked around the bar to stand in front of him. “I do forgive you, Brennan. I should have spoken to you when you came over that night to talk to me. I should have listened to you and let you explain what was going on. I was just so angry and hurt that you accused me of lying. I am not like other girls, Brennan. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I am honest and loyal. It really crushed me to hear that you thought of me like that.”

He reached for me, letting his hand drop before he touched me. “I didn’t really think that about you. I let Diana and Diadra get in my head. I’m not going to be perfect, Phoenix. There are a lot of things that still affect me. I have fears that are so deeply ingrained in me that I cannot tell you honestly when and if I’ll ever be able to fully let them go. I worry about a lot of my indiscretions that keep me from doing or saying certain things, and all that does is make me even more scared.”

I tilted my head back so I could look into his eyes. “Can I hold you?”

He searched my face for a moment before nodding as he held his arms out to me. “I would like that, Phoenix. I have missed you so much.”

I eagerly moved into his arms, wrapping mine around his waist as I leaned against him. “It’s Leah, Brennan. And I’ve missed you too. More than I thought I would,” I admitted.

“Leah,” he repeated as his arms tightened around me while he put his cheek on the top of my head.

I closed my eyes, just enjoying being in his arms again. Being held by him again was like coming home. It made me feel safe and cherished. It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go of. I nuzzled into his chest, burying my face into his shirt so I could breathe deeply. When he sighed, I lifted my head to look into his eyes.

“What are you afraid of?” I asked, worried that I might be pushing him too far.

He sighed again, making me even more worried about my question. He gently tugged me closer to his body before lowering his eyes from mine.

“I’m afraid that I am going to lose you,” he whispered almost silently.

“How would you lose me?” I asked, shocked.

“I’m worried that I’m not good enough. I’m worried that one day you’re going to wake up and realize that I’m not. I’m scared that I’m going to keep fucking up, and one day I’m going to do something that I can’t fix, because I don’t know how to handle triggers. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to keep messing up. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be afraid.” His arms tightened around me even more. “I don’t want to keep living with a shadow over my head, shrouding our relationship, if we even still have a relationship, in a cloud of fear, worry, and hurt.”

“Oh, Brennan, you are good enough. You are more than enough for me. I’m never going to look at you and see anything less than the man that you are. You are a good man. You saved my life. You gave me hope that I could be better than I was, live better than I was. You gave me all of this,” I said, gesturing around at the house, “and so much more. You gave me hope that good people existed. You gave me hope that I could choose how I live for myself. You gave me the strength to move on and be happy. You did so much for me, and you never asked me for anything in return. You gave me thoughtful gifts and have tried so hard to change for me.” I gripped his face in between both of my hands, making him hold my gaze when he tried to look away. “You have made so much progress. I can see how hard you’re struggling. I can see how much you want to be with me. I can see how much effort you're putting into us. And what’s more, I can see how much you regret what you said to me. I don’t blame you for how you feel. I just want you to trust me to try to understand how you feel. If you need space, tell me. Don’t say anything bad to me. Just say that you need space. Verbalize what you need and I will do my best to honor it.”

He sighed as he leaned forward to put his forehead against mine. “Leah,” he whispered. “You are so amazing, and I am going to try to do my best to deserve you. It’s going to take a lot of work, but I’m going to do my best. I never want to lose you again.”

I puckered my lips, letting them press against his briefly before nodding. “Thank you for being honest with me, Brennan. I know it was hard for you.”

“Not as hard as being away from you,” he told me.

“Do you want to talk about what happened to upset you so much?” I asked softly.

He heaved a heavy sigh before shaking his head. “I want to tell you, Leah. I want to tell you everything, but would it be okay if I just held you for a little bit? Just having you close to me again is easing the emotions of the last few days.”

I smiled up at him. “Yes, of course. To be honest with you, I could use a good night’s sleep. I haven’t slept well since our fight.”

“Neither have I. Are you ready for bed?” he asked.

“Yes. I just have to turn the living room light off and then I’ll be ready.”

I pulled away from him to hurry to the living room, where I flipped the light switch off before racing back to the kitchen door where Brennan stood, nervously transferring his weight back and forth. As I neared him, he held his hand out to me.

“Only take my hand if you truly want this, Leah,” he whispered, and I didn’t miss the look of fear that crossed his eyes.

I gave him a small smile as I reached out to take his hand, immediately linking our fingers together. “Not only do I want this, Brennan, but I want you.” I tilted my head back to look into his eyes. “Because you are enough.”

He brought my hand to his mouth for a kiss as tears filled his eyes. “Thank you, Leah. All I’ve ever wanted was to be enough.”

I leaned toward him to kiss him softly. “I know, Brennan. Trust me, I understand.”