Home Where He Belongs

I woke up groaning with my head spinning. I sat up on the edge of the bed, trying to gather my bearings, but my head kept spinning, making it hard to focus on anything. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath as I tried to swallow down the bile that was threatening to erupt out of my mouth.

“I, uh, brought you some water and Tylenol,” a soft female voice told me as a warm hand touched my naked shoulder.

I immediately opened my eyes to glare at the woman before looking down at myself, cursing when I saw I was wearing nothing but boxers. My eyes snap back up to hers as I jumped up.

“Who in the hell are you? And what the fuck did we do?” I asked, starting to become consumed by panic as I looked around for my clothes.

The woman sighed as she crossed the room to open a dresser drawer to pull clothes out and brought them over to me.

“Here are your clothes. We didn’t do anything. I couldn’t. It was very clear that you had someone. I didn’t want to break that up. Especially not when you seem like you love her so much. Diana didn’t tell me that. I’m not one to fuck with someone’s relationship.”

“Diana?” I repeated angrily. “She told you to take me home?”

“Yes. And I am so sorry. She told me you were an ex of hers that she wanted to get back at. The way she made you seem was that you were an asshole that liked to cheat on women. I don’t think you are that way. All you kept talking about was this Leah. You kept apologizing and saying, ‘I love you.’ Bad men wouldn’t act that way. I am so sorry, Brennan. She really made me believe you were a bad man.”

I snatched my clothes from her and quickly got dressed. “Did we fuck?” I asked, my voice breaking on the last word.

“No. I swear. I’m not like Diana. I would never do that to you,” she told me.

“I don’t believe you,” I snarled.

She lowered her head sadly. “I wouldn’t either if I were you. But we didn’t. Leah is a lucky woman to have such devotion from you.” She held out the glass of water and bottle of Tylenol to me. “Here. I brought these to you.”

I knocked the bottle out of her hand. “Where are my keys? I want to leave.”

She sighed before walking back over to the bedside table to pick up my keys and toss them to me. “Here. Again, I’m sorry. I hope you and Leah make up.”

I narrowed my eyes on her before storming out of the hotel, groaning again as my head swam. First things first: I needed to get some Tylenol and water and then go home. I needed to figure out what to do. I didn’t believe that I hadn’t fucked that woman. If I hadn’t, why had I woken up in my boxers? If I was so drunk that I confided my love for Leah to a stranger, albeit one that looked like her, then I would have no doubt tried to have sex with her. I slammed my hand down on the steering wheel as I pulled up in front of a gas station.

“FUCK!” I yelled.

I was so angry at myself. I had betrayed Leah in the worst way. Now, I really didn’t deserve her. I never would. God, I was an asshole. One that deserved to burn in the deepest recesses of hell.

******

When I arrived back at Eden, I left my car in front of the gates so I could walk across the road to where the four headstones stood proudly against the blue sky behind them. As soon as I came over the crest, I zeroed in on my triplets’ headstones as I finished the walk over to them. I sat down in front of them cross-legged as anxiety made my chest tight. I sighed as I ran my eyes over my girls’ tombstones.

“I’m sorry, girls. I tried. I really did. I thought I was getting to a good place, but I was lying to myself. I love you so much. I always will. Misty was right. Whether or not you three existed because of me, you are still mine. You were mine from day one until your last day and even through today. I am struggling with your loss so much at the moment. I feel lost and confused. I miss you three so much. I miss hearing your laughter when you wake me up on Saturday mornings for chocolate pancakes and cartoons. I miss reading you bedtime stories and tucking you in. I miss going to church on Sunday morning before having a picnic at the outdoor theater. I miss your smiles. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing you say, ‘I love you, Daddy.’” I wiped a tear away from my face. “I just simply miss you. I want to wrap you girls up in my arms and remember why I was fighting so hard to survive. There are days that I don’t want to. There are days that I want nothing more than to stay in bed. There are fewer days now that I’ve met Leah.

“I wish you could have met her. I wish she could have met you three. She is so sweet and good and pure. Just like you three. She would have made the perfect mom for you three. She would have loved you girls just as much as I do, if not more. She would have doted on each of you like the princesses you are. She would have made sure that you knew that you were the apples of our eyes every single day of our lives. We would have celebrated every little thing together as a family should have. We have mourned together too. I wish I had realized the danger your mother posed to you. I wish I could go back and protect you better. I wish that I had paid more attention.” I leaned forward to lovingly run my hands along the top of all of their stones. “I love you girls. I am counting down the days until I can see you again. Until the day we can be a family again. This time, with the right mother for you girls at the helm.” I pressed a kiss to each of their headstones before turning to look at Diadra’s.

I climbed to my feet, towering easily over the stone as I looked down on it with disgust. “I loved you so much too, Diadra. I loved you even after seeing your flaws. I loved you when no one else did, but I wasn’t good enough. I was enough to provide for you and love our children. I was good enough to marry and to use, but I was never going to be enough to make you love me. Because of your inability to love me, along with everything I’m finding out, I’m afraid of loving the one woman who deserves to have my love more than anything. I am afraid to give her everything I am, and now that Diana is causing all of this drama, I’m afraid that she is going to get hurt badly. I’m afraid that just like you and the girls, I won’t be good enough to protect her. I’m afraid that as much as I love her, I’ll never be good enough to deserve her love.

“And when I say that I want that more than anything else, I’m not lying. You see, she’s not like you. She is pure. No matter what she has been through, she still trusts. She still sees the good in people. In me. Even when I don’t deserve it. And trust me when I say that I know I don’t deserve it. She is everything that, at one time, I thought you were, but you were always great at manipulating me, and I was blinded by my unwillingness to see who you truly were. I didn’t want to see the woman that I loved so wrapped in her addiction that our girls took a back burner to it. I didn’t want to think about loving someone so much it hurt. I didn’t want to believe that someone I loved so much didn’t have it in her to love me back.

“You hurt me, Diadra. Back then and still today. But as of today, I am going to heal. I am going to learn to let you go. I am going to learn how to love Leah the right way. She deserves that.” I sighed as I stuck my hands in my pockets. “I deserve that. And you, well, you don’t deserve my love. You don’t deserve my undying devotion, loyalty, and love. You don’t deserve me putting my life on hold in the hopes that when I find you in the next life, we are happy. I don’t want to be known as your husband any more. I don’t want to pine away for you. And I refuse to continue to do so. As of right now, I’m done. I’m done loving you. I’m done waiting for you. I’m going to figure out what I have to do to deserve Leah. I love her.” I put my hand on her tombstone. “Goodbye, Diadra. I won’t be back for you. Not anymore.”

I put my hands back in my pocket as I turned around to go back to Eden. When I arrived back at my office, I saw the piece of paper attached to the elevator. I rushed over to it, snatching it off the door to read it, my heart pounding harder and harder with each beat. When I was done reading it, I brought it up to my mouth for a moment before hurrying out of the office with only one thought on my mind: I was going to get my woman. My Leah.