Save Your Apology

Why did she always have to show up at the worst times? I looked down at the ring clutched between two fingers before laying my head down on my desk as tears ran down my face. My heart was breaking, and the only one I had to blame was myself. I had just wanted her to leave so I could call Ramira and get my mind right again. I hadn’t meant to hurt her, and now she felt like I didn’t want her. I knew I shouldn’t blame her for the mistakes of the women in my past, but I couldn’t help it. I was hurt and lashing out, and she was just the one that I had come into contact with first.

“FUCK!” I roared again before snatching the phone off the cradle to call Ramira.

“This better be good!” She moaned.

“Leah gave me her engagement ring back,” I whispered, distraught.

I heard skin slapping skin before Ramira hissed, “Dale, Dale, stop. I have to handle this. Brennan, what do you mean she gave her ring back to you?”

“I watched a video of Diadra forging the paternity test results. The triplets weren’t mine. Leah came back, and I told her to leave. I needed time and space to decompress and talk to you, but she always comes in at the wrong time. Now she thinks that I don’t want her.”

She was quiet for a moment before sighing. “What else happened? I know there’s more.”

“I told her women lied. I basically accused her of lying. Why the fuck did I do that?”

“Because it’s how you handle stress. You’ve always done it. When you get hurt, you deflect. You blame everyone else instead of owning how you feel. I imagine that right now, you’re hurting because they weren’t your daughters. And you’re also very angry that you lashed out at Leah. So tell me, why did you call me?”

“I need you to tell me that I’m not wrong for how I feel. I need you to tell me what to do and how to fix this,” I said bitterly.

“No, you’re not wrong for how you feel. How you feel is exactly how you were meant to feel. You can’t control how things make you feel. The only thing you can control is how you respond to those feelings. And to be honest, I don’t know if you can fix this, Brennan. You keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of talking to her, you lash out and then blame her for walking away.”

“I don’t blame her. I—”

“Brennan, stop! Just stop! You do blame her. You just told me, ‘I needed time and space…, but she always comes in at the wrong time.’ You’re blaming her for showing up. In your mind, if she hadn’t shown up right then, you wouldn’t have said what you said, and she wouldn’t have given your ring back. You are blaming her, Brennan. This wasn’t her fault. This was your fault. You want me to tell you that it’s okay that you lashed out at her, but it’s not. Instead of doing that, you should have trusted her. You should have told Leah what happened. You should have told her right then and there why you were upset. You think you’re just angry because the triplets weren’t yours? But you’re not. You’re hurt because every woman that you have given your heart to has betrayed you. They lied to you. They broke your heart. Lashing out at Leah is more than just your anger over what those two did to you. It’s about fear. Fear that every woman that you love will betray you in that way. Your fear is going to destroy your relationship with Leah.

Not your anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt and fear are primary. I wish I could tell you what to do, but to be honest, I’m tired of bailing you out. I can’t keep saving your relationship every time you break it. You have all of the tools to make it work. Use them. You deserve it. And Leah, bless her heart, deserves it more. Have you even stopped to think about how this situation affected her? Have you even stopped to ask yourself what you could have done differently? I get it; you had a bad time with women, but she has had a shit life since she was born, all because she was born with a vagina.

She has been abused by every man in her life, and then she found you. She chose to trust you. She fell for you hard. And she has strived to heal enough to make a real go at being with you. And before you say anything, I know you have made a lot of progress too, brother, and we are all so proud of you. So do us both a favor and go show Leah just how much progress you have made. Go to her. Tell her that you are sorry. Tell her how you feel. And I mean everything about how you feel. She deserves to know. She is a great girl. You’re a good man, Brennan. Try to remember that, okay?”

I sighed as I nodded before saying, “Yeah, okay, Mira.”

“She won’t hurt you, Brennan. She is not Janice or Diadra. If you have any hope of making it work with her, you will stop treating her as such.”

I sighed again. “I’ll try.”

“Do better than trying.”

“Yes, Ramira.”

“Will you call me after you speak to her?” She asked.
“Yes.”

“Do you promise?”

“Yes, Mom. I promise to call you after I speak to her,” I grumbled.

“Good. Now get your ass up and go beg her to forgive you.”

“I’m going.”

“Good boy. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mira.”

“Good, now go tell her that too!” She ordered before hanging up.

I replaced the phone on the cradle before climbing to my feet. I knew she was right. I knew that I was wrong for lashing out at Leah. Ramira was absolutely right about my hurt. Leah didn’t deserve my angry words. I picked the ring up, putting it in my pocket before walking over to the elevator to press the button to call it up. Once the doors opened, I immediately stepped in, repeatedly pushing the button to take me down to the lobby.

I quickly made my way out of the office to Leah’s house, pacing back and forth for a few minutes before groaning. I knew I was such an ass. I would deserve it if she refused to talk to me. I would deserve it if she walked away from me for good. I cursed under my breath before walking up onto the porch before I could change my mind. I paused before knocking on the door, choosing to see if the door was locked instead.

Finding it open, I walked inside, closing it behind me. As soon as I stepped in, I heard her sniffling, and my chest tightened painfully. I had never wanted to hurt her. I aggressively rubbed my chest in the hopes of easing the tightness, but it didn’t work. I started to make my way down the hallway, and each one of her sobs crushed my heart even more.

“Phoenix, it’s okay. I’m here. Please, don’t cry,” Armadillo murmured softly to her, making me freeze.

“He just told me to leave. How could he do that to me? I didn’t do anything wrong,” she sobbed.

“Shhh, Phoenix. I know. It’s going to be okay.”

I rushed to the door, throwing it open as I stomped into the room angrily, my heart shattering when I saw Leah being cradled in Armadillo’s arms on the bed. Leah and Armadillo both jumped before Leah pulled away from him in panic. She scrambled off the bed, twisting her hands together.

“R-R. H. M.!”

I pinned Armadillo with an angry glare before walking across the room to sink to my knees in front of her. I wrapped one arm around her leg before looking up at her miserably.

“Phoenix, I am so sorry. I was so wrong for telling you to leave. I should have talked to you. I understand if you don’t forgive me, but please, let me tell you why I was so upset,” I begged as a tear rolled down my face.

She reached down to tug at my hand. “No, R. H. M. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I’m tired of you doing whatever you want to do and then just explaining it away. If this has anything to do with Diana, then you should have already known that it was a lie. You knew that she wanted us to break up. And you let her do it. So, no, R. H. M., I don’t want to hear it. Do what you told me to do. Get out! Leave!”

I searched her face for a moment, but I couldn’t detect anything in her eyes besides anger, which I didn’t blame her for. If I were her, I would be angry too. I sighed as I got up to leave, pausing at the door to lower my head as I stuck my hands in my pockets.

“I know you don’t believe me, but I am sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. I hope that one day you forgive me. And if you don’t,” I said, my stomach rolling. “I hope that Armadillo never makes you feel unwanted.”

I didn’t wait for her to respond as I walked out of the room. I was almost to the front door when my leg was nudged and Sugar whined. I bent down to rub her ears as another tear fell.

“I love you, Sugar girl, and I am so sorry for messing up. Again.”