Drunken Confessions

“And that was the right choice, Brennan. I’m not going to be upset at you because you made that decision. I’m not going to tell you that you were wrong. You tried your best to love them all the best way you knew how. It just didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, but that was not your fault. It was her fault. You did the best you could with no help from her. No one blames you for what happened. You should stop blaming yourself too.” She paused to sigh. “I hate to see you so upset, Brennan. I can see you harboring so much pain in more than just your heart. What can I do to help you let it go?”

I looked down into my cocoa. “What do you mean you see me holding onto pain in more than just my heart?”

“I can see it in your soul, son. You forget I know you, Brennan. You are so sensitive that you feel things deeper than the average person. You’re not wrong for how you feel. I get it. Anyone who knows what happened doesn’t blame you.”

I raised my eyes to hers. “How do I let all of this go, Misty? I’ve been trying, and every time I think I’m making progress, something new from my past crops up, and it destroys what progress I think I’ve made.”

“Do you really want to let all of this go?” She asked. “Or are you only doing this because of the woman that you have yet to tell me about?”

“Both. I want to heal from all of this so that I can love her right, but she is so angry with me. I want to tell her everything, and I want to be the one to help her heal herself. I am so upset with myself because I can’t stop pushing her away.” I looked up at her miserably. “I love her, Misty. More than I loved Diadra. Deeper, too.”

“Have you told her?”

“No. I’m afraid to.”

“Because of Diadra?” Misty asked.

“Yes. Her and Janice.”

“Ah. Yes. I heard about what happened with Janice. Neither of their deaths was your fault. You can’t live your life in the past. This new woman, what’s her name?”

“Leah,” I told her softly, knowing that my eyes turned as soft as my voice, which made her smile.

“You really love her. I can see it. Tell me about her.”

“Leah is such a beautiful woman. Spiritually and mentally, as well as physically. She has been through so much. Even while she struggles with her own past, she was trying to help me heal from mine. I don’t deserve her.”

“And why do you think that you don’t deserve her?”

“Because she cares about me without hesitation. She throws herself into our relationship and takes everything in stride. She doesn’t run from anything, no matter how hard it is. I do. She seeks me out, and I just push her away. The way she is toward me is the total opposite of how I am toward her. I don’t mean to push her away. It just happens.”

“What does Ramira say about it? That is your sister’s name, right?”

“Yes. Ramira thinks I’m a fool, and I tend to agree with her. I just can’t seem to stop making dumb decisions,” I admitted.

She tilted her head as she studied my face. “That’s not like you, Brennan. You never reacted with emotions. You always carefully thought things through before you did them or said them. Leah really must be special to you to have you acting so out of sorts. Either that or she’s not good for you.”

I slammed my mug down on the counter, splashing some of the cocoa over the lip. “I’m the one that’s bad for her, but I want to do better for her.”

“Hmmm. So tell me, Brennan. What are you willing to do to make yourself worthy of her?” She inquired.

“I don’t know if there is anything I can do to be worthy of her,” I whispered.

“Have you thought about taking time away from her to work through your emotions and past before you try to continue your relationship with her?”

My body went cold at her words. “We’re already into this far too deeply for me to take a step back.”

“Even if it saves your relationship in the long run?” She pressed.

“I don’t want her to think that I don’t want her.”

“So tell her you’re only doing it to make it better between the two of you.”

I shook my head. “You don’t understand what that would do to her. She was never wanted in the past, and if I told her that I needed to step back, she would think I was just another person who didn’t want her.” I groaned. “But that’s beside the point. We’re not currently together. Or at least I don’t think we are.”

“Was your fight that bad?” Misty asked.

“Yes. It was worse than that. I wouldn’t blame her if she never talked to me again.”

“Hmm. I understand that, but I also know you. You’ll figure this out. I know you will.”

“Thanks. So, how are you doing? Is there anything new? Is there anything you need?” I asked.

She chuckled as she leaned over the bar to pat my cheek. “And there’s the good boy that I always loved. I’m great. Howard died a few years ago. It crushed me for a long time, but I’m doing okay now. And no. I don’t need anything. The fund you set up for me is still providing everything that I need. So, thank you for that.”

“It’s no problem.”

Over the next couple of hours, we talked about everything. Nothing was off-limits. We talked about Howard and more about Leah. By the time I walked out of the house, I had promised to bring Leah by to meet her and was a little more relaxed. Not entirely, but a little. As I was driving back toward Eden, I saw a small bar, so I pulled over to stop. I made my way inside, glancing around as I walked up to the bar. I ordered a whiskey sour before crossing my ankles over each other as I waited for the bartender to put it in front of me. After tossing back a few, I took another whiskey sour to a dark corner in the back to nurse while I thought about what Misty said.

I sighed as I pictured Leah’s face. Maybe it would be best to take a break so I could focus on healing from my past. I knew it would hurt Leah, but maybe if I explained why I needed to do this, she would understand that this was my way of trying to protect her from being further hurt by me as I work on myself. I never wanted to hurt her. Hell, I was thinking about our relationship in a way that might not even exist anymore. She might not ever forgive me. I couldn’t even blame her if she didn’t. I had been an ass. And everyone was right. I needed to think about what was right for Leah, because only considering what I wanted wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I stood up with a little difficulty, grunting when my first step almost took me to the floor. I glared down at my cup angrily. Stupid alcohol. I pulled my wallet out to leave a $20 bill on the table before stumbling toward the door. Halfway there, an arm wrapped around my waist, and I turned my head to look at the person who was helping me. I blinked in confusion when the blurry image of Leah was processed in my head.

“Leah?” I asked, shocked as I tried to bring her face into focus. “What are you doing here?”

Emotion crossed her face before she smiled at me. “I’m helping you to your car.”

“Thank you.” I stumbled against her, almost taking both of us to the floor before she managed to righten us. “Leah, I’m sorry. For everything,” I slurred. “I love you.”

“Alright, big guy. Let’s just get you in the car.”

I leaned against her more heavily. “No, baby. I need to tell you. I’ve been in love with you since I met you. I just want you to know. Even if I do end up losing you for good. You should know.”

She yanked the passenger door open before shoving me roughly inside the car. “I’ll take you home. Where are we going?”

“Take me to your house,” I mumbled. “It’s where I belong.”

“Mm-hmm, alright.”

I reached over to take her hand as she settled into the driver’s seat, clinging to it. “I love you, Leah. I know you’re angry at me, but I love you.”

She glanced at me. “Umm, I love you too…”

I relaxed in my seat as I brought her hand to my mouth to press a kiss to it. Leah loved me. She said it. I said it. And it wasn’t weird. Not at all. It just felt right.