At His Wit's End

After grabbing my tools, I stomped back to the closet with determination. I flung the door open, more than pissed off enough to tear this closet down with my bare hands, but since I had tools, I was about to fucking use them. I built this damn closet and I for damn sure could destroy it. And that fucking door was going to be the first damned thing to go. I took out the hammer along with a nail. I positioned the nail under the pin before grunting in frustration. I grabbed the chair to position it under the doorknob before wedging my foot under it.
I repositioned the nail under the pin before hitting it with the hammer to remove the door from the hinge. Once the top was out, I gripped the door, lifting it up to get the bottom one out before moving it to the side. Next, I picked up the hammer and began to angrily remove the drywall to get to the wood planks underneath it. The dust made it hard to breath, but I didn’t give two fucks. My safe haven had become her hell, and it had to go. After removing enough of the drywall to be able to get the boards beneath, I began to pull the nails out, carefully placing them in my tool bag. I didn’t care about much, but I wasn’t going to risk losing a nail and having Sugar or Leah step on them.
Hours later, I was still breaking the closet down when Leah stumbled out of the bedroom, stopping to lean against the wall while she watched me. I was more than aware that her eyes were on me. Just like it always was, her gaze was like a physical touch, leaving me almost shivering with the desire to have her fingers on me, but I was too pissed to approach her so it would have to wait.
“What are you doing?” She finally asked softly.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I snapped.
“It looks like you're destroying your closet. You don’t have to do that,” she replied.
I froze for a moment while even more anguish flew through me. The panic I felt earlier that day when I found her in the closet with her fingertips almost rubbed down to her bone from her panicked scratching at the door she had locked herself, came back with a vengeance. I shot her a livid look before swinging my hammer at a particularly hard nail, putting a hole in it so I could use the board to pull the nail out.
“Yes, I do, Leah. And I’m not about to fucking to argue with you about it either,” I almost growled as an animalistic urge to force her to comply hit me.
“But you need it,” she argued.
I froze as I spun around with the board in my hands. “I NEED IT?” I yelled. “THIS LITTLE FUCKING CLOSET IS NOTHING! NOTHING!” I threw the board in her direction before spinning back around to put my foot through another board. “THIS TOOK ME HOURS, DAYS EVEN, TO FUCKING BUILD!” I spun back around to glare at her as I approached her, fear growing in her eyes with every step I took in her direction. “AND ALL IT TOOK WAS SECONDS FOR ME TO DECIDE IT HAD TO GO!” I put one hand against the wall beside her head while my other one gripped her chin to make her meet my eyes.
“SECONDS, LEAH! THE SECOND I SAW YOU IN THERE, IT DIDN’T MATTER TO ME WHAT I NEEDED! ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS WHAT IS SO DEEPLY INGRAINED IN YOU THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO HURT YOURSELF! AND WHAT I NEEDED FLEW OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! SO, GO ON! TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT WHAT I NEED! BUT THE NEXT TIME YOU SAY, ‘YOU NEED IT,’ YOU BETTER FUCKING SAY THAT I NEED YOU BECUASE THAT’S ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS TO ME ANYMORE! YOU! LEAH! PRINCESS! PHOENIX! YOU!”
She swallowed hard as tears filled her eyes. I knew I was scaring her but I couldn’t stop. I was so fucking pissed off. My fear was eating me alive. If I had been away any longer handling Darcy, who knows what could have happened.
“R. H. M. I-I’m sorry.”
My grip tightened on her chin for a moment before I let her go to move back to the closet. “Whatever, Leah. Apology not accepted. You have no idea how I felt seeing you like that. You have no idea how I feel about you. This may just be a ‘fling’ to you, but it’s more than to me. So, fuck this closet. Fuck Will. And most of all, fuck Darcy.”
I rolled my aching shoulders before starting to finish removing the boards. Not only was I still anxious from earlier, but now I felt guilty for yelling at her. I didn’t understand my anger. I was never one to fly off the handle like that, but I was almost out of control when it came to her. I tossed a board over my shoulder toward the pile that I had created to the left of the closet. I jumped when she wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned against me. I let the hammer go, barely even noticing when it landed on my foot as I linked my fingers with Leah’s.
“I am truly sorry, R. H. M. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I am sorry I am the way I am. I’m trying to be better. I swear I am, but sometimes it is hard to remember that I don’t have to anymore. I’ve been self-punishing since I was five. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behavior, but I just wanted you to know.”
I sighed as I turned around to wrap my arms around her too. “I’m sorry, Leah. I shouldn’t have thrown that board at you or yelled.”
She leaned against my chest, burying her face into it. “I know. And to be honest with you, you didn’t throw the board at me. You threw it around me. Either that or you have really shitty aim.”
I pulled back to stare down at her. “Are you seriously cracking jokes right now?”
Her lips lifted up a smidge. “A little.”
I studied her face intently. “This isn’t funny,” I told her.
“You’re right. It’s not. It’s refreshing.” She stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss to my lips. “I’ve never seen you react so passionately to anything, and you did that for me. It’s-it’s breathtaking.”
I shook my head, smiling a little. “You’re impossible.”
“Do you forgive me?” She whispered.
I nodded as I moved my hands down her body to cup her ass. “Yeah, I suppose I should. Do you forgive me?”
“Yes.”
I pulled her closer to my body, laying my cheek on the top of her head. “I would never hurt you, Leah. No matter how angry I am.”
“I know, R. H. M.” She squeezed my waist. “What time are you leaving?”
“8 AM.,” I groaned.
She tipped her head back. “It’s almost 3 AM. Do you want to come to bed? I’ll help you finish tearing the closet down when you get home.”
I sighed as I picked her up. “I really want to take you with us. I’m afraid of leaving you here by yourself,” I said as I carried her into the bedroom to lay her on the bed before crawling in next to her.
She instantly threaded her fingers through mine, clinging to my hand. “It’s not, you know.”
“Not what, Leah?”
“Just a fling to me.”
“Then what is it, because I really need to know,” I told her, almost too afraid of what she would say to listen to her response.
“It’s everything, R. H. M. I wake in the morning and my first thought is what we will do that day. When I was at the house, I would wonder how long I would be awake before I got to see you. Every night before I sleep, I pray that I will see you in my dreams and that you will see me in yours. I want to always be around you. It doesn’t matter what we do. You could be working while I read a book, but as long as we are in the same room, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with not interacting as long as I can look up and know that you are there. I’m okay with you leaving to go handle business in the community, because I’m here, waiting for you. Just knowing that you are going to come home to me is–” She paused to take a deep breath. “Well, it’s everything.”
I pressed a soft kiss to the nape of her neck as I pulled her back more so that I was curled tighter around her. “Yeah, I fully understand that. It’s like that for me too.” I kissed her neck as my exhaustion started to drown me. “When I get back, Leah, we really need to have a conversation about something.”
“Are you going to tell me to leave?” She whispered.
“No, baby. I’m hoping that you will choose to stay here.” I kissed her neck again as I let my eyes close before whispering almost silently, “With me.”