The Real Reason Why

I flinched as fear made itself known due to Ramira’s anger. Brennan immediately got to his feet to step in front of me, hiding me fully from Ramira’s angry gaze. I reached out to grip the back of his shirt, whimpering a little.

“Mira, you need to sit down. You’re scaring Leah, and I won’t tolerate it,” he warned.

“Me? Scare her? What in the hell do you think you did being rough?” She spat.

“Ramira, I’m okay. I swear. I—”

“No, Leah! As much as I’m glad that you’re okay, I want to hear why Brennan would do that to you. That is not something I would have ever expected from you, Brennan. Now, you have three seconds to explain, or I swear to God, psychiatrist be damned, I am going to leap over this desk and beat you like I did when we were 8,” Ramira threatened.

“It was right after Diana called me. I didn’t have time to decompress. I was wrong. I know I was wrong. And I apologized,” he told her. “I also told her that I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did.”

“That’s all well and good, Brennan, but why did you do it?” She pressed.

“I just told you why I did it. I didn’t have time to decompress after my call with Diana.”

“That’s not why you did it. How were you feeling? Why were you feeling that way? What made you decide to take it out on Leah?”

“Ramira,” he said warningly. “I don’t want to talk about this. Drop it.”

“This is the part of this session where I’m not your therapist, Brennan. I’m your sister. You need to own what you did. I knew something was wrong when you brushed it off in your session. Be a fucking man for a change!” Ramira snapped.

“Ramira, it’s okay, really. If he’s not ready to discuss it yet, we will when he’s ready. There’s no reason to pressure him to talk about it. He respected me when I wasn’t ready. I want to respect him too,” I said quietly.

“There’s only one difference, Leah. Brennan will bury it down, and it will fester into a deep resentment. It’s taken more than a decade for him to even admit he needs help. And that was only because he found you. If he lost you because of his inability to express his emotions, I know he would be more devastated. The way you two do therapy is two very different ways. Where I let you discuss things at your own pace, Brennan needs more of a push. And this is his push. How did the conversation with Diana make you feel?” She repeated.

“Ramira, stop!” Brennan hissed.

“How did it make you feel?” Ramira pressed.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, RAMIRA?! THAT I WAS SO FUCKING HURT OVER WHAT DIANA SAID THAT I WANTED TO PUSH LEAH AWAY?! DO YOU WANT TO HEAR HOW I STARTED TO THINK THAT LEAH WANTED ME FOR MY MONEY LIKE DIADRA DID?! DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT HOW IT DIDN’T MATTER TO ME HOW I PUSHED HER AWAY AS LONG AS SHE LEFT ME ALONE, BECAUSE I WASN’T STRONG ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY FROM HER?! WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO TO HATE MYSELF MORE FOR TAKING LEAH’S FEARS AND USING THEM AGAINST HER TO MAKE HER WANT TO RUN AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE?” Brennan yelled.

I yanked my hand away from his shirt as my chest tightened painfully. He wanted me to leave him because of another woman. He had hurt me on purpose. He spun around, sending my chair toppling backwards. I scrambled away from him as he reached for me.

“Leah, I can—”

“Explain?” I finished for him as tears burned in my eyes.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby. I wasn’t in the right state of mind, and I should have told you that. I am so sorry.”

I gave a short bark of hysterical laughter. “And what happens next time that someone upsets you? Huh? Are you going to rape me? Are you going to beat me? Maybe you’ll just find someone else because I deserve it,” I whimpered.

“No, Leah! I swear to you, that will never happen again. I will never hurt you again, physically or emotionally. I swear—”

I pushed myself up off the floor as I stared at him wide-eyed. “I don’t believe you! I believed Will once. Just one time, and he took everything important from me that same day. I don’t want to be in another relationship where I can’t trust my partner. And right now I can’t trust you.”

“What are you saying, Leah?” He asked quietly.

“That I’m going back to my house while I decide if I want to be with you.”

He flinched before stiffening. “Princess, don’t do this. Let’s talk this out. I swear that I would rather die before I hurt you again. Please,” he pleaded.

I shook my head. “I can’t trust you.”

He studied my face for a moment before nodding and turning around to leave the office. My chest tightened even more as my breath started coming in sharp pants. When my knees buckled, Ramira hurried over to me to rub my shoulders.

“Deep breaths, sweetheart. In and out. In and out. That’s good. And again. In and out.” After a few deep breaths, the tightness in my chest began to loosen, allowing me to breathe normally. Ramira wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her so she could rub my back. “Oh, Leah, honey. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry. I thought it would be good for you to talk about what happened since I know you probably haven’t.”

“It’s not your fault, Ramira. You didn’t do it,” I sniffled.

“I know, but I pushed when you asked me not to.”

“It’s okay. It was bound to come out eventually,” I told her.

“I know, Leah,” she murmured, stroking my hair. We remained quiet for a moment before she sighed. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m scared. And sad,” I answered.

“Why are you sad?” She asked.

“Because I thought he was the one for me. When I thought about the future, it was him next to me, and now, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how to handle this,” I admitted.

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to go back to ten minutes ago, before Brennan said what he said. Back before I knew I couldn’t trust him. How am I supposed to overlook that it wasn’t just panic or uncertainty like I thought it was, but intentional?”

“Can’t it be both, Leah? Could his panic have caused the intentional actions?” She inquired.

“I…” I sighed. “Maybe. But that doesn’t change the fact that it might happen again, and next time I might be hurt worse.”

“Can I tell you a story?”

“Sure,” I replied curiously.

“When Brennan was 9, we got into a fight. He wanted to hit me. I knew he did, but he didn’t. He had been raised not to hit people, and there was never even one instance where, in his entire life, he put his hands on anyone.”

“So, what did he do?”

“He took my Barbie doll. It was my favorite Christmas present that I had ever received up until that point. I had left it in the box along with 13 other dolls. But that one was special to me. She was so beautiful. She was African American in a gorgeous orange-ish and white disco outfit. I loved to pretend like she was a queen, moving her around the room in her little box.” She paused to smile softly.

“Well, he knew that she was my favorite doll. So when I made him angry, he took her and cut all of her hair off before putting her down the garbage disposal. When I found her body, I was so upset. I cried for days, and I didn’t want to talk to him. I begged our parents to punish him, but they refused. I was even more upset at them for not punishing him, but I understand why they didn’t. It hurt Brennan, more than anything my parents could do to him, to see me so hurt and refuse to talk to him. I didn’t talk to him for months. Hell, I was so angry that I probably would still not be talking to him if he hadn’t busted his ass to save up the money to buy me another Golden Dream Christie Doll. After that incident, he never took anything from anyone out of anger. Instead, he would write us angry letters to express how he felt. He is not the kind of man that would ever repeatedly make the same mistakes over again. He just has to learn different ways of handling his emotions. I understand that it’s scary, and that you are frightened, but don’t make any decisions that are going to hurt you in the long run because there was a setback. Just think it through, Leah; if you need time, take it. If you need space, then take it. But please don’t let your fear ruin your progress. Close your eyes,” she instructed, and I hesitantly did what she asked. “Forget about Brennan. Forget about Will. Clear your mind.”

I took a couple of deep breaths before nodding. “Ok. Done. What now?”

“Think of a place where you feel safe. Build it in your mind. Focus on it.”

I started to relax as an image started to take shape. A dark building, lit only by lamps exuding soft light. The smell of paint hung heavy in the air, almost like an aphrodisiac. Sitting on the floor with Sugar was a shadowy figure that grew more in focus the closer I got to it, until I found myself gazing at a smiling Brennan, covered in paint. I sighed as my eyes fluttered open. I shook my head.

“What did you see?” Ramira asked softly.

“Enough.” I turned to her to hug her. “Can I walk you out?”