The Support Meeting

When I finally sat down at the table with a plate full of steak bites and fried potatoes, Caleb cleared his throat.

“Good evening, everyone. As you can see, we have a new member. Just so that we are all on the same page, I want to go over the rules. When someone is speaking, everyone else is to remain silent so that the speaker can express whatever they need or want to express. Secondly, we do not touch each other without consent. Thirdly, we do not disclose what is said in this group, outside of it. If you see each other in public, you are still required to respect each other’s privacy. Cell phones are to be muted. Lastly, you do not have to say your name to speak here. You can attend our group anonymously. If you feel comfortable enough to disclose your identity, feel free. We will be here to listen to you and support you in every way we can. This is a safe space for each and every one of you. Please do not feel obligated to share. We will not pressure you. Does everyone understand?” We all nodded. “Okay, then. Let’s get started. As you all know, my name is Caleb. I am the group facilitator. My job is to make sure that all of you feel safe. Both here and elsewhere. I am here to support you in any way that I can. Now, as we have a new member, I would like to open the floor for introductions. Would anyone like to start?”

Maddie shifted beside me. “My name is Madison. I am 19. I’m here because my father tried to rape me.”

My eyes shot to hers as she spoke with such determined clarity. I didn’t know a lot about her, but what I did know was that she was someone who was stronger than she knew. I had no hesitation in admitting that she was who I aspired to be like. Another woman sat forward, drawing my attention.

“My name is Kendra. I was sexually abused by my mother.”

“My name is Leisha. My sister sexually abused me when we were younger,” the last woman said softly.

I cleared my throat nervously. “M- my name is Phoenix,” I whispered as my stomach somersaulted. “I don’t know exactly where to start with my abuse.”

Caleb’s eyes flashed angrily. “Wherever you want to. Whenever you want to.”

I lowered my eyes from his. I hated that I could feel myself slipping back into the submissive me at the sight of his anger. It was different with Brennan. I had dealt with his anger. I was confident that he wouldn’t hurt me. But I didn’t know Caleb well. From what I heard, he was a good guy. Protective and not in the slightest afraid of anyone or anything. Which was all well and good, but I was still terrified. I kept my head down as I listened to Maddie start to speak about her time with her father. The more I listened to her speak, the more I realized why her relationship with Joseph was so intense. He just wanted to protect her, and she had always wanted to be loved. Just like I did. I knew Brennan was protective over me. Well, at least I thought he was. I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

When Maddie’s voice started to tremble, I turned my head to look at her. I hesitated before offering her my hand, which she immediately gripped tightly as she continued to speak. It was difficult to see her so affected by what happened but still be able to love with everything in her. As she started to wind down, I squeezed her hand reassuringly. She turned toward me, giving me a watery smile.

“Thanks, Phoenix.”

“Always, Maddie,” I told her softly.

Leisha handed her a tissue, while the rest of us averted our eyes from her as she dabbed at her wet eyes. Caleb met my eyes from across the table.

“Would you like the floor?” He asked.

“Ummm… I don’t know what to say,” I admitted.

“Whatever you want.”

“I— ummm— was married. Am married. A few weeks ago…well, two months ago, my husband, Will, brought another woman home.” I lowered my head again, avoiding everyone’s eyes as I forced myself to talk. “He had sex with her right next to me in the bed and made me watch as he did it.” I stopped as a lump lodged in my throat, rendering me unable to continue for a moment as I struggled to beat back the acid burning in my chest as anxiety choked me. “When I tried to get away, he held me in place before forcing himself inside of me. He told me that I didn’t have a choice. I was his property, and he could do whatever he wanted to do to me, whenever he wanted to do it to me. I tried to fight him. I screamed and scratched him, but he kept going until he finished. He…” I took a deep breath. “He liked it more when I fought. He didn’t care that he hurt me. He didn’t care about anything but getting his jollies off.” I gave a slightly hysterical laugh. “Jollies. What a word.”

Maddie squeezed my hand. “Are you alright?” She inquired softly.

“Yes. I want to finish. As I lay in the bed next to them, shocked, he had sex with her again. After they finished…” I let out a shaky breath. “He made me taste her. And then slapped me. Before he left, he told me he wanted a divorce.”

I let my head drop more as shame and humiliation filled me all over again as I thought about that day. “He told me I wasn’t good enough to satisfy him. He told me that he would marry the other woman, because she could satisfy him. When they were gone, I ran. I ran as far and as fast as I could.”

“Where did you go?” Leisha asked curiously.

I let out a little whimper as Brennan crossed my mind. His image was so deeply burned into my memories that I knew I would never forget him.

“I went to a community for abuse victims. It helped me a lot.” I paused as a sob escaped from me, making Maddie move her chair closer to mine so she could wrap her arms around my shoulders. “Almost as much as it broke me.”

“Phoenix…” Caleb called softly.

I slowly raised my eyes to his as tears continued to cascade down my face. “I love him, Caleb.”

A muscle twitched in his jaw. “I know you do.”

“Who’s ‘him?’” Leisha pressed gently.

“We call him R. H. M. He’s the leader of the community I went to,” I answered her.

“He’s a fool,” Maddie hissed.

“Madison,” Caleb said, the warning clear in his voice.

“Sorry,” she grumbled. “The whole situation just makes me so angry.”

“I know, but he is not the issue that brought Phoenix here. You have to keep your opinion about him to yourself,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes. “I hear you.”

Caleb turned his attention back to me. “Would you like to continue?”

“Yes. While I was there, I made a lot of progress with healing from my marriage and childhood. There was an amazing man there named Armadillo. Between him and the girl that I met there, Rose, I really started to open up and trust people. It felt good. I spent my entire life believing that there were no good people in the world. They taught me otherwise. Armadillo and Rose spent so much time comforting me when I was upset. They were always great friends to me.” I paused to wipe a tear off my face. “I could have been a better friend to them. Especially to Armadillo. When I left the community, I didn’t say goodbye to him. Now, I wish I had. He is probably confused as to why I left.”

Leisha leaned toward me, and I could tell that she was deeply invested in what I was saying. “Why didn’t you say goodbye to him?”

“Because I had no intention of leaving. I thought that if R. H. M. thought I was leaving, he would wake up and finally admit to how he felt about me. I was wrong. He didn’t. So I left. I didn’t want anyone to witness our conversation. If I had told Armadillo that I told R. H. M. I was leaving, he would have left with me. I didn’t want him to make that decision because of me.”

“Why do you think he would have left?” She continued to question me.

“Because I knew he was in love with me. I knew it and didn’t take the steps that I should have to prevent his feelings from growing more. I treated him so poorly, letting him comfort me when I was upset over R. H. M. He deserves better than what I gave him. I hope that one day he can find a woman who loves him as deeply as he loves her.”

Leisha sighed dreamily. “It sounds like you really had a lot of support.”

“I did. I was very lucky.”

I fell silent for a moment before sighing. “I miss him. I miss Rose too.”

“And what about R. H. M.? Do you miss him too?” Leisha asked.

I nodded. “More than anything…”