Begging For Help

I jogged away to go back to R.H.M.’s office. I walked into the lobby intending to ask to speak to Joseph, but everything was shut down. I could have reached him on the watch, but I didn’t want him to know that I was there, so I went back out to sit on the swing outside the doors. I sat for hours, waiting for someone, anyone to come out. I was beyond bored and wanted to leave, but my determination won out. When Joseph finally hurried out of the building, he pulled his phone out to call someone. As I listened to him to speak to Maddie, who if I remembered correctly, was his girlfriend, longing filled me. I wanted someone to love me as much as he obviously loved her. When he hung up, I moved my hands to my lap from where they gripped the swing.
“You seem like you love her so much,” I whispered, making him jump and spin around with his hand clutching his shirt over his heart.
“How long have you been sitting there?” He asked.
“Long enough. Are you one of R.H.M.’s brothers?” I responded, wanting him to confirm what I already knew.
“What did he say about his brothers?” He threw back at me.
“That one was a defense attorney, and one was a divorce attorney.”
“Yes, we are,” he replied hesitantly.
“Can you answer a question for me?” I asked as I pushed myself back on the swing.
“If I can.”
I glanced above my head at the camera before getting up to stand next to Joseph with my hand over my mouth. “How do I help him, Joseph? He’s so lost?”
“I’m not sure if you can,” he answered.
“He’s already done so much to help me. I just want to return the favor,” I told him, facing away from the camera.
It wasn’t a lie. He had done a lot to help me, even though he pissed me off just as much as he helped me. He had given me a safe place to be. He had given me access to a psychiatrist and to an divorce attorney. He had started me on my journey to heal. I owed him a lot. Helping him was how I wanted to repay him.
“Why is it so important for you to help him?” He asked, covering his mouth.
I stiffened, not knowing how to respond to him. I could list every way he had helped me. I could list all the progress that I had made, but I knew that as true as it all was, it wasn’t the main reason. It was just what I forced myself to focus on because he refused to admit how he felt. I didn’t want to do that. Not to Joseph, and not to myself. Not anymore. I took a deep breath.
“Because I’m falling in love with him. Like real love. Not the fake love that you grow to hate. The kind of love that can last forever. Like you have with Maddie.”
I could feel him staring at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Have you told him that?” He asked.
“No. I can’t even get close to the topic of love without him shutting down and lashing out. THe harder I try, the more he fights back. I don’t know what to do. I can see him wanting to live, but he won’t forgive himself enough to even try,” I answered.
“What has he told you about his past?”
“He told me that every time he loves a woman they become dependent on a substance and end up passing away because of it.” I reached up to wipe a tear away. “He’s so alone, Joseph. Nobody should be that alone. He’s afraid of messing up. He actually believes that he caused their deaths. He shouldn’t feel that way. And I don’t know how to convince him of that. Every time I get more than a step into his circle, he shoves me right back out again.”
“Did he tell you who they were?”
“No.” I glanced at him before looking out over the grass in front of us. “But Ramira told me about Diadra.”
“And how did talking about that particular situation make you feel?” He asked, shifting next to me.
“It broke my heart. I cried for him. Nobody should have to take that on by themselves. He needs to let someone in, and I want it to be me. He knows about what my husband did to me, and he never looked at me like I was trash. He has done nothing but be kind to me until our fight.”
“You know the truth, don’t you?” He continued to question me as he turned toward me.
“Yeah. He talks in his sleep,” I told him.
“He always did. Whenever he got in trouble, our mothers used to ask him when he was asleep. He never could lie to them,” he chuckled. “Alcohol is most people’s truth serum, but not for him. His is sleep.”
“So what happened with the other woman?” I asked curiously.
“That I can’t tell you. Maybe Ramira will tell you. She seems to be willing to break the rules.”
I sighed. “And you’re not. I’m sorry for stepping out of bounds.”
“You didn’t. What did he tell you about Maddie and me?”
“THat you raised her, and now you are engaged to her.” I paused as a silly smile lit my face up. “It’s like a fairytale. The kind of love story that I would read about in one of my books. A taboo book, but a fun one.”
“A taboo book? Maddie and me? How would we be a taboo book?” He said, and I knew I hit a nerve.
“Daddy-daughter. If that’s not taboo, then I don’t know what is,” I responded dreamily, hoping he picked up on how exciting I found the thought of an older man with a younger woman to be.
“I’m not really her father!” He snapped, making me cut my eyes at him.
“Does Caleb have the same attitude when it comes to topics that upset him?” I asked, smiling softly at him again. I saw so much of R.H.M. in him that I couldn’t get annoyed by his angry words. Not being able to express emotions must run in their family. “I didn't mean anything by it. I was just commenting that it would totally be a book that I would read. Falling in love with the one man you know wouldn’t hurt you. That would be such an amazing book. Especially for girls with daddy issues.” The door opening behind us, stopped me from continuing as I glanced at R.H.M. and Caleb, who were looking at me with surprise on their faces. I returned my gaze to Joseph’s. “I might be one of them. Anyway, thank you for your time, Joseph. I will make a list of things that I would like in the divorce. Have a good rest of your day.”
I rushed off the porch, heading back to Rosemary’s house, where she still sat on the stairs, knitting. She grinned at me as I sat down next to her.
“How’d it go?” She inquired excitedly.
“Well, I can say that I like his brother. He was a lot more forthcoming than R.H.M.,” I admitted.
“You know, Phoenix, I realized something after you left.”
“What’s that?”
“Neither one of us shut our watches off while we were talking earlier. R.H.M. will probably be furious if he reviews the footage and hears us talking about him like we were,” she told me worriedly.
I stared at her, realizing she was right. This could be bad. It might even lead to us getting kicked out. I hoped not. I grimaced before nodding my head to the blanket.
“Well, I guess you should teach me how to knit before we get evicted from here.”
She laughed but put part of the blanket on my lap as she leaned closer to me so that I could see how she moved the needles. An hour into the lesson and listening to her repeat herself patiently, I gave up trying to learn how to knit. I sat next to her, chatting about our plans for the future. I encouraged her to talk about her pregnancy, wanting to support her in every way I could. I hoped that the more I spoke with a friend about pregnancy, the more I could try to cope with my pain enough to start coming to peace with my loss.
Taco came out as the sun started to set to ask me if I was going to stay for dinner. I politely declined, telling him I needed to get home to Sugar. He nodded in understanding before going back inside while Rosemary got to her feet to hug me. We clung to each other for a little while before breaking apart. I started heading home while she went inside to eat. As soon as I got to my house, I let Sugar out to use the bathroom, leaning against the porch railing while I watched her.
I laughed when she jumped up on me, placing her paws on my chest to lick my face enthusiastically. I gently placed her paws back on the ground, telling her down. I already knew it was going to be a long process to teach her not to jump, but I had the time. I wasn’t going to give her up. I was too bonded with her to just let her go. After using the bathroom and changing into my pajamas, I went into the kitchen to heat up some lasagna and garlic bread. As soon as I flipped the kitchen light on, I froze, staring at the three medium boxes on my counter. I walked over to them slowly with my eyes glued on the envelope leaning against the frontmost box. I picked it up with shaking hands. I traced the curly letters on the front of, melting at the words there. I knew without a doubt who it was from. He was the only one that called me that. I sighed dreamily as I read it out loud.
“‘To my Princess. Oh, R.H.M…”