I Can't
Brennan
I paced back and forth in front of the car that I had retrieved against my will. It had been the only thing that I was capable of doing since Leah had told me she wanted to leave. As against this as I was, I wasn’t going to hold her hostage. I didn’t want her to leave, but there wasn’t much I could do. I stopped pacing when I saw her in the distance walking toward me with nothing but Sugar’s leash and a small bag in her hand. Every sad, determined step she took made my heart ache more. She was so beautiful and everything that I could ever want. When she made it to me, she didn’t even bother looking at me as she walked past me to put Sugar into the car before coming back to me with her hand out.
“Keys, please,” she whispered tearfully.
“No,” I told her, putting them into my pocket.
Her fingers slowly closed into a fist before she lowered her hand. “I want to leave, Brennan. Please, let me.”
“No,” I repeated.
“Why not? You told me that I could leave.”
I reached up to grip her face with both of my hands before putting my forehead against hers. “I don’t want you to leave. Stay, Leah. Stay here in Eden.”
She searched my eyes for a moment before placing her hand over my heart. “Tell me that you love me too, Brennan. Tell me and I will stay.”
I closed my eyes against the onslaught of emotions. I wanted more than anything to tell her the words she desperately wanted to hear. My eyelids fluttered open as the words that burned in my throat, waiting to be spoken, died an instant death as fear filled me, making my body go cold. My grip on her face tightened.
“I can’t,” I whispered, my chest constricting tightly.
“Can’t or don’t?” She asked as tears started to run down her face.
“Can’t,” I answered honestly, praying that she understood what I was trying to convey to her.
Her hand fisted in my shirt. “Tell me, Brennan. Tell me that you love me too, and I will stay,” she whispered. “Meet me halfway. Please, for once, just meet me halfway.”
My hands tightened around her face even more. “Leah, I can’t. No matter how much I want to.”
Her hands came up to grip my wrists before slowly lowering them away from her face. “Then I can’t stay.”
“Leah—”
“No, Brennan. Where are my keys?”
“Princess—”
She slammed her hands into my chest. “NO, BRENNAN! DON’T PRINCESS ME! YOU LOVE ME! I KNOW YOU DO! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SAY IT?”
“BECAUSE I CAN’T,” I yelled back. “WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL AND JUST ACCEPT IT?”
She slammed her hands into my chest harder, making me stumble back. “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO KEEP LOVING A MAN WHO WILL NEVER LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SAY SO!” She took a step toward me to push me backward again. “I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? I DESERVE IT! I DESERVE YOU! I DESERVE TO HAVE WHAT I WANT, AND FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I WANT YOU!”
I stared at her. I had no clue what to say to her. I knew how I felt about her. I thought she knew too. I had broken all of Eden’s rules for her. I didn’t know what else I could do to show her how much I loved her. I grabbed her hand as she went to hit me again before pulling her against my chest and staring down at her.
“You should know how I feel about you,” I told her. “What else do you want from me?”
“The words, Brennan. I want to hear you say, ‘Leah, I love you,’” she whimpered. “Why is that wrong?”
I let her go to pace away from her. “They are just words, Leah! Don’t my actions mean anything?”
“They do, but your words mean more. Just tell me, Brennan. Tell me that you love me too,” she begged.
I stopped pacing to meet her eyes. “IT’S NOT THAT EASY!” I roared. “IF IT WAS, DON’T YOU THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE IT!”
She walked up to me, sliding her hands under my shirt to come to rest over my heart again. “I love you, Brennan. I don’t know when it happened, but I do. I didn’t try to fight it. I dove in headfirst because I found someone that was worth giving my heart to. So, yes, Brennan, it really is that easy.”
I gripped her elbows before lowering my head to kiss her softly. When I pulled back, I put my forehead against hers.
“I can’t, Leah. I’m sorry.”
She pulled her hands out of my shirt to wrap her arms around my waist, leaning against my chest. I stood stiffly for a moment before wrapping my arms around her shoulders and laying my cheek on the top of her head, relaxing.
“Just tell me, Brennan,” she whispered.
I let her go and took a step back. “I can’t.”
She stepped closer, her hand reaching out to dig around in my pocket, pulling out the keys to the car before she tipped her head back to look into my eyes.
“You once told me that everyone lies, but I never did. At least not to you. You never gave me the same respect, and I didn’t hold it against you. I just wanted you to love me. I wanted you to let go of Diadra enough to love me. You can’t do that. And that’s why I have to go,” she said.
“Leah—”
“No, Brennan. This is your last chance. Tell me you love me, or I walk away.”
I searched her face for a moment before shaking my head. “I can’t.”
I turned around and started walking away before she could react. I knew that she would, and I wasn’t strong enough to watch her leave.
“BRENNAN! BRENNAN! DON’T DO THIS!” She screamed behind me, sobbing loudly. “JUST TELL ME! PLEASE!”
I jammed my hands in my pockets as I forced myself to keep walking, which got harder with every sob that came from behind me. I knew this was going to hurt her for a while, but she would find someone else. Someone who would give her the affirmation that she deserved. It would never be me, no matter how much I wanted it to be. When I heard her car start, I finally glanced over my shoulder to see her reversing so she could turn the car around. I slowly turned around to watch her leave, my heart breaking even more. When her tail lights had disappeared from sight, I lowered my head as tears threatened to form in my eyes. The words she wanted to hear still burned in the back of my throat, and I finally gave in to them, wishing that I had been strong enough to tell her.
“I love you, Leah.”
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