Following Through

I started to walk across the room, softly calling her name. “Leah, honey, it’s okay. I’m sorry.”
I got to the door, jingling it a little, groaning when it was locked. The shower started and I backed away to sit on the dresser to wait for her to come out. As soon as I sat down, I got back up to pace around the room. To say that I was worried about what she was thinking was an understatement. I wasn’t just worried, I had a niggling feeling that tonight was going to be rough. I prayed that it wouldn’t but I had no idea how this situation would affect her. A sudden wet slap of something on skin followed by a whimper from her had me rushing back to the bathroom door. I knocked loudly on it after checking to see if it was still locked.
“Leah, sweetheart, let me in,” I told her.
“GO AWAY!” She sobbed before the sound of flesh being hit came again.
I cursed under my breath as I took a step back before raising my leg to kick the door in. The slaps started coming faster, and I rushed into the room to see Leah hitting herself with the belt from my pants. I yanked the shower door open and snatched the belt away from her before. She launched herself at me, clawing at me, scratching the skin on my face, neck, and torso.
“LET ME PUNISH MYSELF!” She screamed. “I DESERVE IT!”
I gripped her wrists in my hand to keep her from hurting either of us. I pulled her against my body, cradling her tightly.
“No, Leah. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I murmured soothingly.
“Only whores enjoy sex,” she sobbed. “And whores need to be punished.”
I cupped the back of her neck. “No, sweetheart. It’s natural to enjoy your partner’s touch. It doesn’t make you a whore.”
She raised her gaze to mine, her eyes brimming with tears. “Please, I need to punish myself.”
I tucked her face back into my neck. “No, Leah. I can’t allow you to do that. Not when you didn’t do anything wrong.”
She wrapped her arms around me, clinging to me while she sobbed hysterically. I sat on the floor, lowering her with me to sit on my lap so I could rock her while the warm water washed the blood from her back away. I began to hum to her. When she finally started to calm down, I relaxed with her. I kept rocking her until she was sound asleep in my arms, completely exhausted from her panic and terror.
I carefully used the wall behind me to stand up with her in my arms. I turned the water off before grabbing a towel to dry her off, which I did after setting her on the couch. Once she was dry, I dried myself off before tugging my pants back on and going through her dresser until I found her a nightgown. As I crossed back to her side, her face contorted with fear, and I picked her up again to hold her as she screamed in panic, lashing out. I leaned back to avoid her hands, too afraid that restraining would cause her panic to worsen and that was the last thing that I wanted to do.
When she calmed down again, I quickly got her dressed before carrying her to the bed, where I laid her down before covering her with the blanket. I kissed her forehead before going out into the living room to grab a pillow and throw off the couch. I made sure her bedroom door was open before making a makeshift bed on the floor just outside of her room. I didn’t want to be close enough to cause another panic when she woke up, but I did want to be close enough to get to her if she needed to be protected from herself again. I smiled softly as Sugar walked over to nose me before curling up behind Leah on the bed.
“You’re such a good girl, Sugar,” I told her. “Protecting your mama. Good girl.”
****
I woke up when something soft landed on me. I kept my eyes closed, so as not to scare her again. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know that Leah was standing over me. When she knelt at my side, I drew in a shallow breath slowly, trying to fight the urge to just pull her close. Her fingers started to move over my face.
“R. H. M.?” She whispered. “Are you awake?”
I hesitated before replying, “Mhmm. Are you alright?” I asked as I finally opened my eyes to look at her.
She swallowed nervously as she pulled her hand back. “I’m sorry for what happened.”
“Don’t be, Princess. I understand,” I reassured her.
She wiped a tear off her face. “Why are you still here? I thought you would have left.”
I studied her face for a moment before slowly reaching out to take her hand. “You needed someone to be here for you, Leah,” I told her, stroking the back of her hand with my thumb. “I told you that I was going to try. I meant it. You are very special to me.”
Her eyes began to move over my face, searching for something. I hoped that if what she was looking for something good, it would be on my face, but if it was something bad it wouldn’t be there. She finally sighed and squeezed my hand.
“Thank you for staying here with me,” she told me almost silently.
“I always will be.” I hesitantly lifted the blanket up. “Do you want to lay with me?” I asked.
She licked her lips before laying down next to me, keeping a foot of space between us. I covered her with the blanket before moving the pillow I was laying on under her head, choosing to lay on my arm to ensure that she would be as comfortable as she could be on the floor. As I was pulling my hand back away from her, she rolled towards me.
“R. H. M.?”
“Yes, Leah?” I immediately responded.
“Why did you really stay?” She inquired softly.
“Because I have spent so many years not allowing anyone to get too close to me. The pain of losing my wife has created a wall that barely anyone has been able to climb over.” I took her hand, laying it between us. “You didn’t just climb my wall, princess. You bulldozed it down, and kept walking as if my wall was nothing more than gravel in a driveway.”
“What does that even mean?”
I brought her hand to my mouth to kiss it as I looked into her eyes. “It means, Leah, that I stayed because I’m fighting for you.”
She scooted closer to me until she was flush against my body. “I didn’t think you would stay,” she whispered sadly. “When I woke up alone, I was hurt. Then I heard you snoring, and I was relieved.” She kissed me shyly. “Thank you for thinking that I’m worth it enough to stay.”
I cradled her against my body as I wrapped the blanket tighter around us. “That’s because you are. One of these days you will believe it, and I’m going to be the one that makes you realize it…”