Hopeful and Happy

After a few minutes of silence between us, he took my hand to lead me toward his office. Fear over what he would say about me being pregnant kept me from saying anything as we walked. When we got into his office, he immediately began to search through his desk until he pulled out a notebook. He tore a piece of paper out before handing it to me with a pen.

“What’s this for?” I asked softly, still avoiding his gaze.

“Write down how you feel about being pregnant. All of it. Don’t hold anything back, okay?” He told me.

I hesitated before nodding. I walked over to the chair across from his desk, and when I went to kneel on the floor, he stopped me. He gently pushed me toward his chair.

“You sit there. I’ll go into the room.”

I stared after him as he walked away. His concern for me was no different than it had been before, and just the fact that he still acted like he cared about my well-being gave me hope that maybe my pregnancy wouldn’t be the dealbreaker I was afraid it might be. I sat behind his desk, hesitating for a moment before starting to write.

I am scared that you won’t accept my pregnancy.

I am scared that you will only want to be with me because I am having your child.

I paused as I looked at the conflicting fears that I listed first. They were the biggest emotions I felt, only growing until they were overwhelming on my way there. I sighed as I continued my list.

I am happy because I have always wanted to be a mother.

I am hopeful that we can make this work for our child’s sake.

Again I paused to reread the list, realizing just how crazy my emotions truly were. I tapped the pen on the paper as I tried to sort through the rest of my emotions. A lot of it was fear for many different reasons. I couldn’t help but sigh again as I finished my list.

I am afraid that I will have to do this alone.

I am determined to give our child a better life than I could have ever dreamt of.

But above everything else, I feel love for our child. I already know that I will do anything for them.

I read over my list again, not wanting to overwhelm him with my chaotic emotions. I knew how hard it was for him to tell me what he told me. I didn’t want to keep pushing him. Hopefully, we would come to an understanding, and either I would come back to Eden permanently, or he would come with me when I left. He said he was ready to move on from Eden, but that was before my impromptu pregnancy announcement. When he walked back into the main room, I held my breath as he walked over to the desk. He held out a folded piece of paper to me, which I hesitantly took. I handed him mine before unfolding his. I blinked in surprise when I saw a long paragraph. I glanced up at him, but he was reading my very short list. I stared at his words for a moment, not taking anything in as my chest tightened. I drew in a shaky breath before starting to read.

I feel very conflicted. I am worried that I am not healed enough to support you in the way you need right now. My heart started thudding wildly in my chest. This wasn’t starting off well. I am not sure if I will ever heal enough to be the best father to another child. Losing my triplets really made me feel like I was not meant to be a father. I have worked so hard while you have been gone to forgive myself, but I am not fully there yet. I forgive myself for a lot of my mistakes, but not all of them, and because of that, I am worried that my guilt will hold me back. I am terrified that I won’t be able to always communicate with you the right way, and no child should have parents that argue in front of them. I am anxious about how we will make it work. I thought we had time to focus on us and make sure we could build a solid foundation before we started talking about having a family. I swallowed hard as I tried to hold back my tears. The further I got into his paragraph, the more I was worried that he wasn’t going to want to be with me because of my pregnancy. But even with all of those negative feelings, I have hope. I know that I’m not going to just give up because things get hard. I am not going to walk away because I am afraid. I am going to be the man I want to be. I know that even though I am still hurting, you and I will find a way to make sure our child is okay. We will grow as a couple and a family. I am not going to hide from you anymore. I will continue trying to heal, and with you by my side, I know I can do this. You are what gives me the strength to work on me. You are my hope that I can have a better future than I ever dreamed was possible. You are everything to me, and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that. I love you, Leah, and whatever you want to do, I will be here for you.

I lowered my head as a tear finally escaped from my eye. “Oh, Brennan…”

He turned my chair to face him, and I instantly wrapped my arm around his waist, burying my face in his stomach, while he put his arm around my shoulders. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, but it was what I needed. Just to be held by him again was everything to me. It reminded me of why I fell in love with him. Not only did he make me feel safe, but he was my home. The one person that made me feel better simply by existing, which was weird to think about, considering what we went through, but he was here, and he was trying. That was all I ever wanted. When I finally leaned back, he ran his fingers through my hair.

“How are you feeling, princess?” He asked softly.

“Better. I was so anxious the entire way here,” I admitted.

“Did you stop to eat? Did you drive straight here?”

“Yeah, I stopped for breakfast, and yes, I drove straight. I only stopped for food and gas.”

He sighed as he pulled me to my feet to take me into the bedroom. “I totally understand the anxious thing. I’ve been running on adrenaline all day, preparing to break up a wedding tomorrow.”

I giggled as he sat me on the bed. “Would you have really broken up a wedding for me?”

He nodded as he walked over to the small fridge in the corner of the room. “Yes. I would have even punched him if he tried to kiss you in front of me. So, other than relief, how do you feel?”

“I am hopeful, Brennan. I really want to work this out with you. I never wanted to leave Eden. I was hoping you would beg me to stay.”

His shoulders slumped as he put something in the microwave. “I’m sorry, Leah. I wanted to. You have no idea how badly I wanted to say, ‘I love you.’ I didn’t say it when I should have, but I will tell you that I do every chance I get.”

“So, tell me, Brennan, how have you been doing? I know groups are hard. They leave you feeling drained. Trust me, I know. I’ve been going to Caleb’s,” I told him.

He pulled the plate out of the microwave before bringing it over to the bed to hand it to me. “I’ve cried a lot. I’ve raged inside my own head, and I’ve been heartbroken. But I’m stronger now. I have a peace that I never thought I would have. So I suppose in comparison to how I was before you left, I’m great.”

I smiled softly at him as I took a big bite of the lasagna he gave me. “I don’t know if it matters much, but I’m proud of you for trying to heal, Brennan. I’m proud of your progress and that now you see that you’re worth forgiving.”

He took my hand and kissed the back of it before letting it go so I could finish eating. “It means a lot to me, Leah.”

We fell into an easy silence while I finished eating, which was okay with me. Just being close to him again was enough for me, and from the look on his face, it was enough for him too. As I stuck the last bite into my mouth, he jumped up to carry my dishes over to the sink, bringing a water bottle back to me. He opened it for me, making me giggle a little.

“I am not helpless,” I teased.

“I know you are not. You’ve been gone for so long that I just want to make sure you have everything you need,” he responded as he took my shoes off.

I sighed before setting the bottle down on the bedside table so I could tug him up to lie next to me. After laying my head on his chest, I brushed a kiss on his jaw.

“I do have everything I need right here,” I said, gesturing to him. “Just keep trying, and we will be okay.”

He brushed a kiss over my forehead. “I promise you I will always try for you as long as you promise to never give up on me.”

“I do.”

“I love you, Leah.”

I remained silent for a moment as happiness filled me before nuzzling into him again. I put my leg over his, anchoring him to me as I closed my eyes. “I love you too, Brennan.”