Chasing Him Again

Leah

I paced back and forth in my bathroom. It was the only place that I could let my feelings out without Brennan seeing them. I was still so angry over what he had done, but I wanted to help him. I knew that something had upset him, but I wasn’t sure what it could possibly be. I was even less sure that I would be able to handle it. I stopped pacing to look up at the camera. Not only did I want to help him, but I missed him.

Armadillo had suggested that I should take a few days to decompress and really think about how I felt. Four days later, and I was missing him, something fierce. I wanted to be mad at him, but I hadn’t been able to hold onto my anger. From my conversation with Maddie, Brennan had always had a difficult time expressing emotions. God, I wanted to see him again. I wanted to know what had hurt him so badly, causing him to speak to me the way he did.

And more than anything, I wanted to fix this. I wanted Brennan. I just wasn’t sure if he would welcome my attempts to talk to him. When I was at the Eden shelter the day before, Doc told me that Brennan was not himself. He was quiet and withdrawn, which was unusual because he and Doc had been close for years. But I had to know. One way or another. I wanted him to forgive me for my anger when he tried to talk to me, but he might not. I had blown him off. I had basically told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. Or at least, I was pretty sure that was what he would have heard.

“Phoenix?” Armadillo, aka Kaden, as I now knew him, called out softly from the other side of the door as he knocked on it. “Are you alright? You’ve been in there for a long time. I’m sure the water is cold now.”

I shook my head, sighing as I shut the water off. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

He sighed. “May I come in?”

“Yeah,” I responded, knowing that he already knew I wasn’t actually in the shower.

He came in, shutting the door behind him before leaning back against it. “I take it, it’s off?” When he opened his arms, I moved immediately into them as tears started to roll down my face. He rubbed my back as he placed his cheek on the top of my head. “I hate this for you, Phoenix. How can I help you?”

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I really miss R. H. M.,” I admitted.

“It’s okay, Phoenix. I know how you feel about him. You never hid how you felt about him. I can’t be angry about how you feel. You can’t help it. Just like I can’t help wanting you to choose me, but I understand why you don’t. You will never feel for me what you feel for him, and that is okay.” He paused to kiss my forehead. “I won’t push you for more than you are willing to give me. If in the future you choose me, then I will welcome you into my life as my woman with open arms, but if you never choose me, then I will be happy to remain in your life as a good friend. With that being said, how can I help you? Do you want me to talk to him for you? Do you want me to take you to him? I’ll do anything to stop your tears from falling,” he told me.

I sighed as I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I’ll decide what I want to do, and if I need help, I’ll ask. Is that okay with you?” When I felt him nod, I pulled back slightly to look up at him. “Thank you, Kaden. I really do appreciate you and everything that you have done for me.”

He returned my smile as he cupped my face. “I know you do, but that’s not why I’m here for you. I want to be. Now, if there’s nothing I can do to help you right at the moment, I should get to my house to prepare for my shift. I’m on in an hour, and I still have to shower.”

I nodded before kissing his cheek. “Thank you.”

“Always, Phoenix.”

I inwardly groaned at the emphasis he placed on my name. I knew he wanted me to tell him my real name, but it didn’t feel right. I only wanted Brennan to be able to address me as Leah. Even after everything, he was still the only one I could see a future with. And I wanted it. As he sighed, I hugged him.

“I’m sorry, Armadillo,” I told him softly. “It’s not that I don’t trust you to know my real name; I’m just not ready.”

“It’s okay, Phoenix. I understand. You’re the first one I’ve told my name to. I totally understand. I’m not upset in the slightest. Please don’t think that.”

“Okay.”

He kissed my cheek before stepping away from me. “Do you want me to come back tonight?”

I hesitated, knowing that as soon as he walked out of the door, I was going to go find Brennan. I wanted to talk to him. I need to.

“I’ll tell you what. If the living room light is on, then yes. If the living room light is off, then no.” I tilted my head back. “Is that okay?”

He nodded. “I won’t intrude on your space. I’ll maybe see you later.”

I nodded. “Yes, maybe.”

I walked him to the front door before hugging him again. “Seriously, Armadillo, thank you for everything.”

“It’s my pleasure, Phoenix. I’ll talk to you later.”

I watched as he walked off, waving to him when he turned around at the gate to lift his hand to me. As soon as he was out of sight, I stepped out onto the porch, pulling the door closed behind me after saying goodbye to Sugar. I hurried toward Brennan’s office, determined to at least get to the bottom of why he was upset. If I couldn’t mend our relationship, then I at least wanted to get some closure. The thought of settling for closure sent a wave of anxiety through me. I didn’t want closure. I wanted a future, and I wanted it with Brennan. I kept my eyes glued to the elevator as I walked into his office building, crossing the lobby quickly to jab my finger into the button. I stepped back a minute later when the elevator didn’t open, tilting my head back to stare up at the camera for a moment before lifting the watch to my mouth.

“Are you at your office?” I asked softly.

“R. H. M. is out of Eden, Phoenix. Did you need something?” Doc almost immediately responded.

I sighed as I lowered my wrist from my mouth. I wasn’t sure if I believed her or not. I wanted to believe that he simply wasn’t at Eden. It was better than the alternative. If he was ignoring me, that would hurt me more than anything else. I sighed again before leaving his office to go back to my house to get a piece of paper and a pen to write him a quick note. Once it was written, I reread it, hesitating as I wondered if I should write more than just, “R. H. M., I was looking for you. I was hoping we could talk. –Phoenix.”

I shook my head before hurrying back to his office to place the note on the door to the elevator. I wanted to say his real name and mine, but if someone else came by the office, I didn’t want them to see our real names. They wouldn’t be told by either of us, and it wouldn’t be fair if Brennan couldn’t choose for himself. Once I was sure that the note wouldn’t fall, I walked slowly back to my house with my hands in my pockets. I hoped that he would get it and understand how important talking this out was to me. On my walk home, I decided to kill time by reading while I waited to see if he would come find me or not, and I knew I had at least a few hours until Kaden got off work.

If Brennan hadn’t shown up by the time he did, I was going to invite Kaden to spend the night with me. If Brennan didn’t show up, I already knew that I was going to be a mess and would want to be held. Armadillo had held me so much since I arrived in Eden without wanting more than I was willing to give him. For as much as I knew he wanted to be in a relationship with me, he wasn’t pushy. A few hours later, someone knocked on my door, setting Sugar off and making me jump halfway out of my skin. I set my book down on my bedside table before going to answer the door.

I cursed silently when I saw my living room light on, loving that the character in my current book was more than a little bad-mouthed, because the words sure did help to relieve a little stress. I pulled the door open and froze when I saw Brennan standing on the other side with his hands in his pockets and a severely guarded expression on his face.

“Hey, Phoenix. I got your note.”