Just Tell Me

Leah

I woke up to soft speaking across the room from me. I sat up a little, rubbing my eyes. Rosemary shushed Doc when she saw me moving. She hurried to my side with a smile on her face.

“Good morning, sleepyhead. How are you feeling today?” She gushed, a little too happily for my liking.

“I’m okay. You don’t have to stay here with me anymore. It’s been days. I’m sure Taco is ready to have you back. I’m also really tired of the secrets that I keep waking up to, where you and Doc are whispering in the corner.”

“They’re not secrets. Doc is keeping me updated on how R. H. M. is doing,” she told me softly. “I wasn’t sure if you would want to know.”

“Of course, I do. How is he?” I hesitated for a moment before sighing. “I’d also like to know how Armadillo is doing.”

She took my hand as she sat next to me on the bed. “Well, Armadillo is healing well. His swelling is gone. He still has a lot of bruises, but they are healing. And as for R. H. M….” She paused to look at Doc. “He’s doing okay.”

“Don’t do that, Rosemary. Tell me. How’s he doing? Tell it to me straight. I’m not some fragile woman who can’t handle the truth. They were fighting over me. I was responsible for their fight. The least I can do is check on them,” I whispered as tears filled my eyes.

She sighed as she squeezed my hand. “He doesn’t want us to speak about his health with anyone. I—”

“But I love him,” I cried. “I—”

She sighed as she patted my hand. “Listen, I’m a nurse, and my aunt is a doctor. We cannot, in good conscience, divulge his health information. I will say that he is hurt, but he will be okay. If you want any more information than that, then you are going to need to go ask him yourself.”

I tilted my head as she watched me. “Is this your way of trying to make me go see him?”

She sighed heavily as she shook her head. “See him. Don’t see him. I don’t really care. I don’t really care if you never forgive him. Armadillo either. Neither of them took how their fighting would make you feel into account, and you got hurt in the process. Quite frankly, I don’t think either of them deserves you. They both have a lot of work to do on themselves. But if you choose to speak to them, one or the other, or even both, then I will support you, because that’s what friends do.”

“Thank you, Rose. I really appreciate you,” I said as I shifted on the bed to hug her before getting up to put my shoes on, making her groan. I met her eyes. “I love them both, Rose. They are both behaving so badly. And I think I need to tell both of them how I feel about their behavior. Among other things,” I finished softly.

Rose sighed but nodded. “Alright. Do you want me to wait here for you to get back?”

“No. I think I’ll be okay, and if I’m not, I’ll come find you.”

She hugged me again. “See that you do. I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I promise that I will if I need to; I’m hoping that I can work this out with both of them. Especially R. H. M. As stupid as I sound, I just want to make up with him.”

“I know, honey. It doesn’t make you stupid. It means you’re in love. R. H. M. is a good man, as is Armadillo. I know you have been through a lot with them. Only you can decide what and who you want. Just remember one thing: It’s okay to be alone too. You don’t have to decide now. Take your time. Be sure what you decide is truly what you want.”

I paused on my way to the door. “It is.”

“Well, then, Phoenix, go get your man. Or men. Or yourself. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.”

“Me too,” I mumbled under my breath as I headed toward the door.

I fell silent as I walked out of the house before stopping at my gate while I thought about what to do. I wasn’t sure if either of them would want me to intrude on their space. I sighed as I continued on my way, only to stop again to look at Armadillo’s house. I wondered if I should stop there first. He would be the easier of the two to make up with. He had a lot better communication about his feelings, but if I was honest with myself, it wasn’t him that I wanted to see the most. After everything that happened, it was still Brennan. I had a feeling it always would be. Making up my mind, I walked past Armadillo’s house, making my way to his office. I stuck my hand in my pocket where I always kept the master key. If he was there, he probably wouldn’t respond to me, and I wasn’t going to let him avoid me.

Once I arrived, I glanced at the elevator, saw that it was on the ground floor, and hurried to the hidden door in the mural. God, I hoped he was here. It was the only way we were going to get to the bottom of this. I wanted to work this out more than anything. When I was stepping out into his office, I heard the elevator ding and my head whipped around to stare at it. My chest constricted painfully when I saw that the elevator was on the first floor. I hurried over to his computer, which had the security system program pulled up, and I had to sink into his chair when I saw Brennan exit the building. He was avoiding me.

I didn’t understand why. I should be the one that was mad. Not him. I should be the one that was hesitant to talk, but I wasn’t. I just wanted to see him. Why was that wrong? Maybe I was wrong about how he felt about me. I hadn’t thought so, but with the current state of our relationship, or lack thereof, I wasn’t so sure anymore. Maybe this was just his way of telling me to get lost. For good this time. I sighed as I stood up. I took the master key out of my pocket and set it on the table before getting back to my feet.

I took the elevator down to the main floor before going straight to Armadillo’s house, hesitating before knocking. I wasn’t sure if I could take being rejected again. When he opened the door, I let out a sob of relief as I threw myself into his arms.

“Please don’t push me away too,” I cried.

He immediately wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in closer to his chest. “What do you mean? Who pushed you away?”

“R. H. M.,” I told him tearfully. “I just wanted to check on him, and he ran from me. Please, don’t run from me too.”

“Shhh, Phoenix. I swear I’m not going to push you away. Do you want to come in? I’ll make you some tea with honey. How does that sound?” He asked.

“Y- yes. Please.”

He wrapped an arm around my waist as he guided me into the house to the kitchen. He set me on a stool at the bar before moving toward the stove to start water boiling. As he prepared the tea, I remained silent, trying to get my emotions under control again. By the time Armadillo placed a steaming mug in front of me, I was a lot calmer. When I picked the mug up, my hands shook, and he reached out to place his hands around mine, steadying my hands.

“Careful, Phoenix. I don’t want you to burn yourself,” he told me softly.

“Why do you take care of me like this, Armadillo? You know that I will never see you as more than a friend. I don’t deserve it,” I whispered as I lowered my head.

He let my hands go, and moments later he was taking the mug from me to set it on the counter in front of me. He turned my chair around before gripping my chin to tilt my face up. I swallowed hard as I looked into his eyes.

“You speak as someone who is so used to being the one who has to take care of everyone around you, Phoenix. It’s time that you take a step back and let someone take care of you for a change. I know that you will never love me like you love R. H. M., but I’m hoping that if you don’t work this out with him, you will give me the opportunity to show you what it means to be truly loved.” His thumb moved across my bottom lip. “Like I love you. Uninhibited and unapologetic.”

I couldn’t help but lean toward him as my heart swelled. He slowly lowered his head, giving me a chance to pull away if I wanted to, but after Brennan’s actions less than an hour ago, I didn’t want to. I let my eyes flutter close as his lips sealed around mine. I reached up to fist my hand in his shirt as our kiss continued until he pulled back to press his forehead against mine.

“God, Phoenix, I love you,” he whispered.

“Leah,” I murmured. “My name is Leah.”

His arm went around my waist to pull me closer to his body. “I love you, Leah.”

“Thank you.”

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed there like that, but I loved the way he held me. It wasn’t the first time that I wished that I could love Armadillo like I loved R. H. M. It would be so much easier. He was better at communication and didn’t hide behind his fears. At least not when it came to me. If I could put the two of them together into one person, they would be the perfect man for me. I sighed as I pulled back.

“You are really important to me, Kaden. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything that you do for me. You are such a good guy. And that’s why I don’t think it would be wise for me to be around you until I decide what I’m going to do about R. H. M. It’s not fair to you to keep you on this cycle of ups and downs with me. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting from me. I wish I could love you like you love me. I know that we would be happy. I know that we would be good together. Trust me, I know. You don’t know how hard I’ve prayed to be able to love you back the way you want me to. But I can’t. I’m stuck, loving a man who doesn’t love me back. I know how it feels, and I never want to make you feel that way. It sucks to just be waiting. And I don’t want to do that to you. I hope you can understand.”

He sighed as he let me go. “I do. I will be here waiting for as long as it takes you to decide.”

I put my hand on his cheek as I looked into his eyes. “I know. And that’s why I have to do this, because as much as you say I deserve everything you do for me, you deserve for me to do just as much for you.”

He pecked my lips again before backing away enough to let me hop down off the stool. “Can I walk you to the door?”

I nodded. “I’d like that.”

He walked silently by my side to the door, where he gave me another tight hug before I mustered all my strength to pull away from the one person I knew would always hold me when I needed it. I hurried back to my house, where I sank to the floor with my arms around Sugar for a moment, clinging to her tightly while I sobbed. When I was finally able to calm down an hour later, I climbed back to my feet to go to the kitchen to feed her, immediately freezing when I saw an envelope leaning against a mug on my bar with familiar handwriting on it.

‘You will never feel trapped here.’

I opened the envelope with shaky hands, and fresh tears immediately filled my eyes when I pulled out the master key. How was I supposed to let him go when his actions screamed that he loved me? Why couldn’t he just make this easy on me? I closed my hand around the key before lowering my head.

“Why, Brennan? Why? Make this make sense, because I’m so confused.”