Choose Me

My heart went immediately from my chest all the way down to my ankles as I stared at him. “You wh-what?” I whispered.

He sighed as he lowered his head while his hands made a move as if he was trying to stick them in pockets that he didn’t have. He took several deep breaths before raising his head to meet my eyes.

“After I left Misty’s house, I stopped at a bar. I got drunk, and I went home with someone else. I woke up the next morning at another woman’s house in nothing but my boxers. I don’t know if I did something with her, but I can’t help but feel like I did, even though she said that we didn’t do anything. I think I did,” he confided, letting his eyes fall to the floor between us. “I thought she was you. I…said things to her that I shouldn’t have, only because I thought she was you. I will never be able to apologize to you enough. I did what I did, and I know that I messed up very badly. I’m not going to try to make excuses for my behavior. I got drunk. I went home with her. I fucked up. All I can say is that I’m sorry. If you choose to forgive me, which I am more than willing to work for, I will never make that mistake again. I swear it to you. I will never hurt you again like that.” He walked over to me to sink to his knees in front of me, wrapping his arm around my legs as he put his head on my knee. “Please, Leah, please forgive me. I need you to understand that I won’t ever do that again.”

I sighed as I brushed my fingers over his hair. “I can’t forgive you, Brennan. There is nothing to forgive you for. You didn’t do anything wrong. And if she said that you two didn’t do anything, then we have to believe that.”

His head snapped up so he could look into my eyes. “I cheated on you, Leah. Why am I more upset by that fact than you are?”

“Because I know that if you did, it’s partially my fault for pushing you away. I shouldn’t have been so stubborn. I should have—”

“No, Leah! Don’t do that! None of this is your fault. You were entitled to some space. You need to decompress from situations just like I do. I’m sorry that I was the reason that you needed space. I knew what alcohol did to me, and I still chose to partake in it. That was not your fault at all.”

“Brennan, stop it! This is not something you get to decide for me. I said that there’s nothing to forgive you for, so why are you so determined to make this out to be more than it is?”

“How can you just let this go as if it means nothing? I went home with another woman, Leah. Doesn’t that matter at all?” He asked as he got to his feet and started to pull his clothes on.

“Of course it does! I’m not just brushing it off, Brennan. I’m literally just trying to get you to understand that I get it. You made a mistake that you feel guilty for,” I told him as I got to my feet to approach him. “But I’m also telling you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. If I have to say that I forgive you to make you feel better about what happened, then I forgive you.”

He shook his head as I put my hand on his chest, letting his heartbeat pound wildly under it. “Phoenix—”

“Leah,” I hissed. “I hate when you do that. You call me Phoenix because you’re trying to put distance between us. I absolutely loathe it. Stop putting distance between us. It’s not going to get us anywhere, and I’m not going to tolerate it any more.”

“I need space, Leah. I need to work through how I’m feeling. I need to get my mind back in a good place,” he told me as he reached up to circle my wrist with his fingers before lowering it away from his chest. “I need you to respect that and let me have some space.”

When he went to step around me, I moved into his path. “No! You said that you wanted to stay and fight for me, so do it! Stay! And talk this through with me. Take all of those would haves, could haves, and should haves and turn them into reality. Stay, Brennan. And talk to me. Tell me why you feel so guilty. Tell me why you won’t let me take responsibility for my part in this. This isn’t just on you. You were reacting to something I did. You aren’t the only one who has would haves, could haves, and should haves. For the last almost week, I have replayed our fight over and over again in my head. I have thought about what I should have said to you. I think about what I should have done. Do you think that you’re the only one that wishes things had been done differently between us? Well, you’re not. I wish things had gone differently too. Why is it okay for you to have guilt, but I can’t? You have so much guilt on your shoulders. Guilt that you don’t need to have. You are holding onto your guilt from your marriage and then this fight. When is it going to be enough, Brennan? When are you going to stay and put your foot down and say, ‘enough is enough? I’m enough. My relationship is enough.’”

“Leah, it is not that simple. I—”

“Why isn’t it? Why are you making this so complicated? I promise you if you stay and fight with me, for us, for this,” I told him, gesturing between the two of us, “it’s going to be better than adding guilt onto the pile that you’re already carrying. So, decide, Brennan. Right now! What’s it going to be? Are you going to stay and fight with me, or are you going to run again?”

“Leah, I need space. I need to decompress. I promise to come back later and talk to you.” He raised his hand to cup my cheek, but I turned my face before he could touch it. He sighed as he let his hand drop. “I know you don’t understand why I need to walk away right now, but I promise you that this is for us. This is to make our relationship better. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to keep hurting you by saying things I don’t mean. I do want to be with you, Leah. I do. I swear I do. I just need a break. I need to work through my feelings so I don’t lash out at you again.” He sighed again. “You say you understand how I feel; try to understand that.”

I didn’t move as he pressed a kiss to my cheek before moving around me toward the door. I spun around, grasping the blanket to my chest as I watched him.

“If you leave now, Brennan. Don’t bother coming back,” I whispered.

He immediately froze, lowering his head as he stuck his hands in his pockets. “Leah—”

“Don’t Leah me, Brennan!” I cried. “If you leave right now, I’m done. I can’t keep doing this. You’re so hot one day and ice cold the next. I’m tired of this. I deserve to have someone who’s the same way every day. I want someone who’s the same way every day.”

His shoulders slumped along with his head. “I can’t be that person for you right now, Leah.”

“Yes, you can, Brennan. All you have to do is stay and work through this with me. Don’t run. Stay here. Choose me. Choose us,” I begged.

He sighed as his hands fisted in his pockets. “I want to, Leah. I do. I want that more than anything.”

I hurried across the room to run my hands over his shoulders. “Then do it. Stay with me. We can work this out. Me and you. That’s all we have.” I took a deep breath as I buried my face against his back. “I love you, Brennan. I’ve loved you since I met you. Please, choose me. Stay.” He stiffened under my touch before pulling himself away from me, making me reach for him again. “Brennan, please, stay. Don’t run from me. I’m sorry. I—”

Before I could even finish my sentence, he had disappeared out of my room, and I took off after him as tears flowed down my face. When I made it out onto my porch, still clutching the sheets to my chest, he was speed walking through my gates, not even looking back once toward my house. Toward me.

“R. H. M., PLEASE! DON’T DO THIS! I LOVE YOU!” I sobbed as I sank to my knees. “I love you.”