Making Progress, Just Not Enough

“Everyone gets a certificate when they’ve earned it. It’s supposed to be freeing. A celebration of healing and—”

She blinked rapidly a few times before jumping off the bed to go into the bathroom, leaving me confused on the bed. When she came back into the room, she was fully dressed. I immediately got off the bed to approach her.

“What did I say wrong this time?”

“Everything, R. H. M. Everything,” she snapped tearfully before moving past me.

I grabbed her elbow, making her stop. “Talk to me, Leah. Tell me what I did.”

“You were so excited to give this to me like you wanted me to choose someone else! Is this all I am to you? Just a physical thing for you? Someone to touch and stroke yourself off too? Well that’s not what I want! So, let me go!” She snarled as she yanked her arm away from me to stomp over to the bed to snatch the certificate off before throwing it in my face. “Is this all we’re ever going to have? Just sex or the lack thereof? If so, then I don’t want it.”

“Leah–”

She gave me a sad look. “No, R. H. M. I’m over your excuses. I’m over your holier than thou attitude. I’m over just waiting around for you to wake up and see what we could have. You’re going to lose me, R. H. M. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Leah, you know how I feel. I’ve told you. I–”

She shook her head. “Telling me that you like me, which by the way is what kindergarteners say to each other, while your head is between my legs or right after its buried there, isn’t the same thing as saying, ‘Leah, I want to be with you.’”

“But I did say that and–” I fell quiet when the realization of what she said was right.

I had only confessed feelings for her in the throes of our passion or immediately after. No wonder she didn’t believe me. I sighed as I reached for her, biting back a groan when she stepped away from me.

“I won’t believe anything you have to say now either,” she told me.

“Leah–”

“Have a good evening, R. H. M. I’m going home.”

She walked out of my room, and when I went to follow her, my feet remained glued in place. Fuck! I was an idiot. The dinging of the elevator bell shook me out of my frozen state and I took off toward the stairs. I ran out of the doors to my building, calling her name. She turned toward me while Armadillo pulled her closer to his side.

“Yes, R. H. M.?”

“Can we talk for a moment, please?” I requested.

“I already told you, I wouldn’t believe you. I just want to go home,” she answered.

“Phoenix–”

She wrapped her arm around his waist. “Take me home, Armadillo, please.”

I clenched my jaw as I was forced to watch him lead her away from me. Fuck! I was a disaster. Why couldn’t she be like Diadra? I never got this tongue-tied or said as many stupid things to her as I seemed to be doing with Leah. I sighed as I walked back to the elevator. As the elevator doors closed in front of my face, I lowered my head. I knew the answer as to why I kept fucking up with Leah. She wasn’t Diadra, and that was my favorite part of her.

*****

After I finished painting yet another portrait of Leah five hours later, I gathered up all of the toys I had purchased for her. I had no idea what to say or how to fix this mess I had created again. If she wasn’t going to listen to anything I had to say, then I was at a major disadvantage. I would have to show her in a different way. I just hoped that she would listen to another form of communication. Once the toys were all packed up, I carried the small box out to my desk, where I sat down to write her a letter. Well, two. I knew this was probably going to be a mistake, well another one, but I really had no other options. I quickly wrote her a detailed note, explaining what each of the toys were for before sealing the letter in an envelope and putting it inside the box. I taped the box shut and set it to the side so I could get another piece of paper. I tapped the pen on the desk for a moment before sighing and starting to write.

*‘Leah,*

*I am so sorry for making you think that I only wanted to be with you because of some physical attraction. That is not it at all. While I do enjoy your beauty, I am more drawn to your spirit. I think about you every moment of every day. I want nothing more than to spend every moment of my day with you. I can’t even express to you how much I care about you. You are everything to me, and I really need you to understand that. It’s not just about your body or what I want to do with you sexually.*

*It’s about wanting to be the one to make you smile. It’s about wanting to be the one to make you laugh. It’s about wanting to be the one to hold you through all the bad times and celebrate with you during the good. It’s about wanting to wake up next to you after falling asleep with you in my arms. It’s about wanting you as a whole, not just wanting a piece. All of you, Leah. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Please, give me another chance. I am begging you, because I need to be with you. It’s not just a want. I need you, because I love you. So, please, forgive me for the stupid things that come out of my mouth. I don’t mean to be such an ass.*

*With my whole heart,*

*R. H. M.’*

I read over the letter again before quickly putting it into the envelope. I taped it shut before carefully getting up to walk into my other office to retrieve the small portrait from the easel. I wrapped it slowly so that I didn’t destroy it on the way to deliver it to her. Once back out in the main office, I carefully picked up the small box before walking out of the building. When I arrived at her house, I set the box down to the left of the door before carefully situating the portrait on the small patio table, leaning it back against the wall behind it. I pulled the letter out before placing it against the portrait and turning around to leave. I made it halfway down the stairs before rushing back up to get it, sighing when panic consumed me.

I reached into my pocket to pull my little notebook out along with a pen. I bent over the table as I wrote out a quick note.

*‘Leah,*

*I do care about you. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. It was not my intention. My feelings for you are not just sexual in nature. I hope you can understand.’*

*With all of my adoration,*

*R. H. M.’*

I stared down at the new letter before glancing back at the original one. Fuck! I knew that the original one would get my feelings across clearly, but I wasn’t ready to say that stupid ‘L’ word. Why was it so damned important to say that single word. It was just a word. I cursed under my breath before tearing the envelope open to pull the letter out. I balled up the rewritten one, put it in my pocket, and started to rewrite the original one over again, leaving out the ‘because I love you’ part. I sighed, fully regretting that I couldn’t tell her. I could only hope that this letter would be enough to get her to understand that it wasn’t just about sex for me. I pocketed the original one before walking over to her door where I put my hand flat on the door.

“I love you, Leah.” I lowered my head as my eyes drifted close. “I just wish I could say it to you.”