Opening Up

He looked at me with his eyes wide. “Joey filed divorce papers for you and Will?”

I nodded, smiling at him. “Yes. I had to divorce him to be able to marry you eventually.”

He eyed me wearily. “And you are sure that it was me you wanted to marry enough to divorce him?”

I could not help the giggle that fell from my lips. “Yes, Brennan.”

He pulled me closer to his body, kissing me tenderly. “I love you, Leah.”

I melted against him. “I love you too, Brennan. But not to be rude or anything, can we please eat? All I had today was half a brownie, and that is definitely not enough.”

He nodded. “I have some more lasagna if you want it, or I can make you some eggs and bacon.”

“Lasagna sounds amazing. Don’t tell her I said this, but Maddie and Joey’s cook does not cook as well as Rose does.”

He chuckled as he led me inside the elevator. “I promise not to tell them. So, marriage. It’s a big step.”

“Yes, it is, but I won’t pressure you to actually have the ceremony. I—”

He squeezed my hand. “I want to do it as soon as we can. The minute the judge signs off on your divorce, I want to get married.”

“You are not going to wait for the ink to dry?” I teased him.

“Nope. I am done waiting to do things with you. I do not want to wait too long again. I lost you once, Leah, and I never want to go through that again.”

I sighed dreamily as I watched him put a Tupperware container into the microwave. This Brennan was the Brennan I wish he had always been. Open and willing to tell me the things I wanted to hear. It made it even better that even though I could tell he was still anxious about saying it, I was glad that he was pushing through it. When he brought the lasagna over to the bed, I tugged him down next to me, putting my legs over his as I dug into my food. After stuffing a couple of big bites into my mouth, I held a forkful up to his mouth.

“Tell me about your girls, Brennan. I would love to hear about them.”

His chewing slowed until he swallowed it. He started to rub my feet as he began to speak. “I called them my little apples. Apples, because to me, they were the apples of my eye. The only reason to wake up in the morning. They were so smart. They were so quick to smile, and a giggle was never far away. May was the youngest. She was born 32 minutes after NayNay, who was born 4 minutes after Jay. The three of them were the cutest little hooligans that anyone could have ever seen. I can’t tell you how many times I found them walking around in Diadra’s heels with her dresses on and pads to the walls to hide their crayon art because it was a surprise for Daddy.” He stopped talking, reminiscing for a moment before continuing.

“My girls never did anything by themselves. Wherever you found one, you found the other two. When I was home, they always wanted to be by my side. They helped me with everything. If I was taking the trash out, they were holding the can so I could pull the bag out. If I was doing the dishes, they took turns rinsing. I always had to go back and rewash after they went to bed because the dishes were left covered in soap, but it didn’t matter. It made them so happy to help me.”

“You loved them very much, Brennan,” I told him as I took his hand. “The most important thing to remember is that they knew how much you loved them. Everything you did was for them. They knew that too. That’s why they were Daddy’s girls.”

He gave me a sad smile as he linked our fingers together. “I used to think that I could have saved them. I blamed myself for not giving in to Diadra’s last command. Maybe if I had, they would still be here.”

“And now?”

“I still blame myself, but I blame Diadra more. It was her choice to pick them up from the daycare. It was her choice to do drugs. I made my mistakes, and I wish I could go back and change them, but I can’t. As much as it hurts to try to let that guilt go, it’s just as freeing.”

I tilted my head as I studied his face while I chewed another bite of lasagna. “Why does it hurt to let the guilt go?”

“Because it’s replaced by fear,” he answered.

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid that I’m going to forget them. I’m afraid that the more I accept peace, the more I’ll forget the way they looked. I’m afraid that I’ll forget how their giggles sounded and the way excitement always filled their voices when they screamed, ‘Daddy’s home.’ I’m worried that I’ll forget how they felt in my arms when I rocked them to sleep or the way they crawled into my bed when they were sick or afraid.” He raised his watery gaze to mine. “I don’t want to forget my girls, Leah. They meant everything to me. They still mean a lot to me.” His finger moved over my hand. “The only difference between then and now is that you’re here, and soon we will have a little one of our own.”

I smiled softly at him. “That doesn’t mean that you will forget them. Your girls will always be your girls. Nothing and no one will ever replace them. You won’t let it happen, and neither will I. Our baby will just be another little person for you to love. He or she is not a replacement. That is not something that I would ever try to do to you. Just like I know you would never try to replace my daughter.”

He brought my hand to his mouth to kiss it. “Thank you, Leah, for understanding. I have spent so long being afraid of my emotions that I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to express them, but I’m glad that I have a chance to do so now.”

Before I could respond, his watch beeped, and Miriela’s hesitant voice came through. “Hello?”

I raised an eyebrow at him when he made no move to answer it. He shrugged as a small smile lifted his lips.

“Just give it a second.”

“Do you need something, Miriela?” Nathan asked through the watch, surprising me.

“Ummm, I just had a question,” she whispered, and I hated the way her voice quivered with fear.

“I’ll be right there.”

“Okay, thank you, Nathan.”

I tilted my head as I eyed his watch. “Does he answer all of her questions and needs?”

“Yes. I scare her. She trusts him a lot more than she trusts me, which isn’t much since she’s terrified of her shadow. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Thank you for being the one person I can lean on, Leah.”

I set the now empty container on the bedside table so I could curl up on his chest. “You know when I went to ask Will to sign the divorce papers, he got physical with me. I didn’t tell anyone that I was leaving or where I was going, but Armadillo and Maddie got together to make sure I wasn’t alone. They knew I was up to something, so Armadillo slept in my car, and Maddie showed up later. They protected me and helped me. I thought I could do it alone, but some things were not meant for us to do alone. Dealing with your grief was one of those things for you, and getting Will to sign the divorce papers was one for me. It doesn’t matter if we couldn’t do it alone. All that matters is that by doing them, we are stronger for it.” I kissed his jaw. “I will always be there for you, Brennan. That’s part of how I love you.”

He tugged me onto his lap with his arm wrapped tightly around my waist. “I may not deserve your love, Leah, but I’m glad I have it.”

We fell silent, just enjoying holding each other. While he ran his hands up and down my back, I ran my fingers through his hair. We were finally where I wanted to be with him. Unashamedly in love with each other and not afraid to show it. If this was a dream, I never wanted it to end. But it did, too soon for my liking, when his watch beeped again.

“R.H.M., is Phoenix near you?” Nathan asked.

Brennan groaned as he lifted the watch to his mouth. “Yes. She can hear you.”

“Miriela would like to know if she can have the gray elderly cat from the shelter,” he told us.

Brennan glanced at me before lifting his watch to my mouth for me to respond.

“Yes, I’ll go and get it for her,” I said.

“Actually, Phoenix, she would like to go with you…”

Wait. What? She wanted to go with me? I couldn’t help but beam at Brennan as I thought to myself, ‘Atta girl, Miri. Atta girl.’