Talking through Her Feelings

Leah
When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in bed. I sat up, letting the blankets fall around my waist as Sugar jumped up next to me. I rubbed her head immediately while I looked around the room for R.H.M.
“R.H.M.?” I called softly.
When I didn’t get a response, I got up to go into the bathroom. Not finding him there, I made my way into the kitchen, only to find an envelope laying on my island counter. I sighed, already knowing that he had already left. I picked up the envelope, opening it to retrieve the paper inside.
*‘Princess,’*
*‘I’m sorry I won’t be here when you wake up. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in your eyes again when I didn’t know what to say. I promise that very soon you and I will talk. Please, give me a little time to figure some things out and when I’m sure of what to say, I will tell you.’*
*‘Sincerely,’*
*‘R.H.M.’*
I crumpled the paper in my hand, scoffing in irritation. It wasn’t that hard. He didn’t need to think or figure anything out. He was such an idiot. Being honest took nothing. No energy, no thinking, no trying to figure out what I wanted to hear, and above all else, no lies. I just wanted him to admit his feelings for me. If he couldn’t do that, then I didn’t want him to come talk to me. I tossed the small ball at the trash can before clicking my tongue to draw Sugar’s attention. She immediately dashed to my side, looking up at me lovingly. I reached down to scratch her behind her ears.
“Come on, babygirl. Let’s go potty and then we’ll come back in and I’ll share some scrambled eggs and bacon with you,” I cooed.
As we were walking to the front door, someone knocked on it. My heart started pounding as I stared at it for a moment before rushing to it, pulling it open in the hopes that R.H.M. had come back. My heart sank when Armadillo held up some muffins and a jug of orange juice.
“Good morning, Phoenix. I brought you breakfast,” he told me, smiling.
“Ummm, thank you,” I said, reaching out to take the food and jug from him as Sugar ran past him to use the bathroom.
He sighed as he let it go. “I wasn’t who you were expecting, was I?”
“What? No. It’s not that. I just woke up,” I lied, trying to soothe his obvious hurt.
“I’m sorry I came by so early and without permission. I was just worried about you and wanted to make sure that you were okay,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. “I’ll go. I can see you’re okay.”
“Wait, Armadillo, don’t go. Would you like to come in and eat with me?” I asked, praying that he said no.
“Do you really want me to come inside, Phoenix?”
“Honestly, no, but I wouldn’t mind eating with you outside,” I admitted.
“I’d like that. How about we let Sugar finish and we can go to the square to eat.”
“Yes! That sounds awesome. Can you watch her for me?” I asked.
“Sure.”
I rushed back inside to start scrambling some eggs and quickly slapped two pieces of bacon into the pan before going to my room to change into some jeans and a black t-shirt. I went back to the kitchen to stir the eggs, giggling when Sugar was already there, sitting politely in front of the stove, waiting for her breakfast. I flipped the bacon over before stirring the eggs, humming the lullaby that R.H.M. had hummed for me the night before. When the food was done I turned the stove off and picked up her bowl off the floor. I spooned it all into her bowl, careful to avoid pouring all of the bacon grease in it. When it was cool enough not to burn Sugar’s mouth, I set it on the floor for her to eat, rubbed her ears, and left the house. Armadillo straightened up, grinning at me.
“Are we not eating?” He asked.
“I forgot the food. I’ll be right back,” I groaned before running back inside to grab the orange juice, two cups, and muffins.
As soon as I stepped back outside, he took the orange juice and muffins from me. While we walked to the square, we chatted about our plans for the day. He grinned at me as we sat down.
“So, Phoenix, how was your night?”
I tilted my head as I studied his face. “Is that why you were worried about me? Because you knew she was going to tell me she was pregnant?” I asked softly.
“Yes.”
“I was really sad,” I confided. “I cried a lot.”
“And? Did you sleep?”
“Yes,” I said, flushing as I thought about the way I had clung to R.H.M. all night until I fell into a deep sleep.
“And how do you feel now?” He asked.
“I feel…”
I paused to think about how I felt. I had a wide range of emotions coursing through me at that moment. I felt angry at R.H.M. for running away again, but I was also grateful that he had shown up for me even though I was furious at him. I was sad hearing about Rosemary’s baby, but I was also happy for her. She was such a bright spirit and I knew that she was going to be a phenomenal mother. I was a mess. Every conflicting emotion just added an entirely new level onto my brain as it was trying to work out exactly how we were feeling.
“Phoenix?”
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “I’m sorry. I was trying to figure it out.”
“It’s okay. It’s also okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, I don’t mind talking about it. I’m very excited for Rosemary, but hearing her talk about being pregnant really hurt my feelings. It made me think about when I was pregnant and dreaming about being a mother,” I said, placing my hand over my stomach. “I want to be a mother more than anything. I feel guilty that I can’t seem to just be happy for people who are pregnant because I just get so jealous. I can smile and pretend like it hasn’t torn my heart out, but it does. By the end of the night, I found myself not even wanting to be around her anymore. I just want to be able to share in others’ joy and not wallow in my pain.”
He reached across the table to take my hand. “Did you tell her that?”
“No. How do you tell someone that? She would hate me,” I muttered sadly.
“No, Phoenix, she wouldn’t. She would understand. The people in Eden understand that when they develop new relationships that there might be triggers that person has. Now, I’m not saying to just cut her off because of how you feel, but you should tell her,” he encouraged.
“I don’t think so. She will think I’m a terrible person,” I told him.
He shook his head. “No, she won’t. And how do I know that? Because when she came here, we spent a lot of time together. I know a lot about her. So, trust me when I say, she will understand.”
I sighed as I let his hand go to pick up a blueberry muffin. “Did she lose a child?”
“No. But trust me when I say that she will understand. Promise me that you will talk to her and explain how you feel.”
“Alright. I promise. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Do you know everyone here?” I inquired.
“Just about. And no, even if I do, I won’t tell you. If you want to know about someone, you have to ask them yourself,” he said.
I sighed. “You’re a great guy, Armadillo.”
He smiled at me. “Thank you. You’re a great girl. Very beautiful too, I might add.”
My lips lifted a little. “Are you flirting with me, Armadillo?”
“I might be. Do you want me to stop?”
“No. I like it. I just don’t want you to think that I’m leading you on by allowing it.”
“Trust me, I won’t. You were very clear about what you wanted. Who you wanted, I mean. If you’re interested in R.H.M., why are you okay with my flirting with you?” He asked.
“Because I’ve never been told that I was beautiful or desirable. It’s…it’s nice,” I admitted.
He smiled at me again. “That’s because you are. You are incredible.”
“Thank you.”
“Mhmmm.”
As we finished our breakfast, our conversation turned lighter. He joked about living in Eden, telling me tantalizing tales of parties long past and stupid things he had done that almost got him kicked out because he hadn’t read the manual. When we were done, he walked me to Rosemary’s house before hugging me tightly, and giving me an encouraging push toward the door. I hesitantly knocked on it, shifting anxiously while I waited for her to answer. She instantly broke into a smile when she saw me.
“Phoenix! Hi! How are you today?” She gushed.
“Hey, Rosemary. Can we talk?”