A Flower With Thorns

Brennan

I grumbled angrily when I heard the stairwell door open. I was getting tired of Doc and Rose taking turns coming to bully me into taking care of myself. The first day after Leah left, Doc had forced me to work at the shelter for 12 hours. I had no idea that the shelter was in such bad shape. I could have sworn that Leah had helped her deep clean it a few days before she left. I wasn’t sure, because everything had blurred together in such a way that I couldn’t even remember when Leah left. All I did was lie in bed until one of them forced me to get out of it.

“R. H. M.?” Rose called softly.

I grumbled again as I rolled away from her. “What is it this time?”

“You need to shower, R. H. M. And Doc says you didn’t eat yesterday. It’s my job to feed you today,” she told me as she began to tug at my blanket.

I yanked it out of her hands as I tucked it even more around me. “I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything but lie here and wallow.”

She threw her hands up in agitation. “You wouldn’t be wallowing if you hadn’t let her go. I wonder what you could have done to get her to stay.” She tapped her finger on her chin. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you could have loved her the way she needed to be loved, and she would still be here. The only one you have to blame for this situation is you. Not her. I know that you love her. You know that you love her. Everyone knows that you love her. Except for her. She wants to believe that you love her. She thinks you do, but she’s not sure. Well, at least she did anyway. I’m not sure if she still thinks that. You really fucked up, you know?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Are you finished?”

“No,” she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest. “I can keep going if you would like. I have an entire arsenal of things to say to you.”

“So say them and get out. I want to be alone.”

She sat down on the bed next to me with her hands clasped tightly between her knees. “Listen, Uncle Brennan, I may not know exactly what happened between you and Diadra, but I was privileged enough to see how you were with Phoenix. I’ve never seen you as happy as you were with her. You weren’t even this bad after you lost Diadra. The girls, yes. But not Diadra. I really wish I knew how to help you fix this. I want you to be okay. Just like I want her to be okay. I want you to be happy again. I want you to go to her and tell her how much you love her. I want you to be okay.” She wiped a tear off her face. “I want our family to be whole again. You aren’t the same Uncle Brennan I knew when I was young. I remember that version of Uncle Brennan and how he would throw me in the air and fly me around like a little airplane. I miss the Uncle Brennan who would read me bedtime stories and make all of those different little voices for the different characters.”

She reached over to touch my shoulder. “You were amazing. I remember coming home every day after kindergarten and asking Dad if you were coming over. You were my person back then. And you still were up until the last few days. You took me in when I needed help, just like you did for my aunt. You are such a good guy, Uncle Brennan. You just need to remember that version of you and try to get him back. We all loved him. He’s the Uncle Brennan I wish you still were.”

I ran my eyes over her face. “And how do I get him back? I thought he was with Leah, but now I’m not so sure. He went with her when she left. I don’t know if getting him back is even a possibility.”

She gave me a sad smile. “I don’t know how to tell you to get him back. All I can say is that I’m here for whatever you need me to do to help you. We all are. You have been there for all of us. Let us be there for you now. It’s easy to start. Get up. Shower. Eat. Leave this room. Throw yourself into the community for a little bit while you figure out the next step.”

“And what if I never find the next step?”

She took my hand, holding it between both of hers. “You can do this, Uncle Brennan. I know you can. When I came here and was struggling to figure out what my steps were, Ramira told me to make a list of my problems. She told me to cut them and put them in a box. I drew one out, and I worked on it for a few days. When I felt it was sufficiently handled, I picked another one. It helped a lot. Maybe that will help you too if you try it. It’s a great way to deal with things randomly, but you have to actually deal with it. It only works if you actually try.”

I sighed as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, resting my arm on my knee. “I think I’ll try that…”

She smiled brightly at me. “Awesome! I know you can do this, Uncle Brennan. And when you do, I know she will be waiting for you. Just stay focused and keep persevering. I want you to be with her so much. You two are perfect together.”

I leaned toward her to wrap my arms around her shoulders. “Thank you for coming over, Rose.”

“Anytime. Are you going to shower now?” She asked.

“Are you saying I stink?” I retorted.

“Very much so!”

I gave a dry chuckle as I leaned back against my headboard. “I’ll shower.”

“And then come over for dinner?” She questioned.

“I guess if I have to.”

“Yes, you do. I need to make sure you eat. If you don’t come over by 6:30, I will send Taco to retrieve you,” she threatened.

“I’ll be there! I promise.”

“Good. See you in a few hours.”

She kissed my cheek before leaving the room. I lowered my head for a moment before dragging myself out of the bed. I went into the bathroom to shower, pausing at the door as memories of showering with Leah filled my head. Maybe I should move out of the office. Maybe then her memories wouldn’t haunt me as much. I sighed as I stripped my clothes off before stepping under the shower head, turning it on. I didn’t care that it was cold. I didn’t care if it warmed up. Nothing really mattered anymore. I knew that Rose was right. I wasn’t the same guy that I was before Diadra.

The only problem was that I wasn’t sure if I could ever get him back. She seemed to think that I still had a chance with Leah, but I wasn’t sure. Rose hadn’t seen the look on her face or heard her screams before she left. Once I was done showering, I quickly dried off, got dressed, and went out to sit at my desk. I pulled a pen and pad out of my desk drawer to take the first step. Or at least give Rose’s idea a try.

Diana
Triplet’s Passing
Diadra’s Manipulations
Inability to share feelings
Anger issues
Coping skills
Worry over not being good enough
Leaving situations instead of finding solutions

I tapped the pen on the desk for a few seconds while I thought about what else I could work on. I hated that there was so much I could get better at, but I knew that my issues had built up for years. I wasn’t sure how many I was ready to actually admit that I needed to work on. I sat back in my seat, feeling defeated when I thought about how I should have actively worked on my issues while Leah was here. I knew she supported me in my journey. She had tried to be there for me. I pushed her away. I sighed again as I shook my head. I had no clue if she would forgive me. Even if I had a clue, I didn’t know where she was to even try to talk to her.

I picked up my scissors to cut my list up as I thought about where she could have possibly gone. It sucked that I really had no idea. I wanted to know, but I was afraid that if I did, I would just fall into old habits. Leading her on without making real progress. I closed my eyes for a moment before climbing to my feet. I would pick an issue before I went to bed. I had to get to Rose’s before she really did send her husband to get me. Taco was not an aggressive man by nature, but when it came to Rose, he wouldn’t hesitate. Guess it was fitting that I regarded them as family. My brothers were both deadly, apparently.

“Fucking family,” I muttered as I hurried down the street to their house, where I knocked before stepping back to wait.

When Rose pulled the door open, she smiled widely at me. “You are here! Come in.”

“Before I do, I need to ask you something. Did you and Phoenix talk about where she was going to go before she left? I know you knew ahead of time that she was leaving, so please don’t lie.”

“Yes, we did.”

“I don’t want to know where she is exactly, but can you tell me if she’s safe?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yes. She’s safe.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding before nodding. “Thank you, Rose.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Yeah,” I responded.

“Good. Let’s eat. I made lasagna,” she called over her shoulder.

“Yeah, lasagna,” I repeated sadly. “Leah’s favorite…”