Heartbroken But Trying

Leah

I pulled up in front of the Garden of Eden gates, put my car in park, and sat there for a moment staring at the tightly guarded doors before climbing out of my vehicle to approach the speaker. I had been gone for slightly over 30 days. A full month of heartache and longing for a man who had let me go without a fight, and still I couldn’t find it in me to be angry at him. Even if I had wanted to be, Ramira would have put a stop to it immediately. Not only had she been trying to convince me he deserved to know about our baby, much to my dismay, but she also had spent the last month repeatedly telling me that Brennan loved me. That he was just simply too afraid to let me in and that if I loved him back the way I said I did, I wouldn’t let him go without trying one more time. And so here I was. Trying one more time to reach him. I sighed before hesitantly pushing the button on the speaker as I closed my eyes.

“Hello? Ummm… My name is Leah. I-I hope I’m at the right place. I’m looking for the Garden of Eden,” I whispered, terrified of rejection, as I repeated the first words I had ever unknowingly said to him.

When I received no answer after a few minutes, I lowered my head as tears filled my eyes. I needed this more than anything. I spent hours on the drive up trying to decide what I would do when I got here. I finally decided on reenacting my arrival at Eden. It was meant to be a way of wiping the slate clean, of starting over, but it seemed like he wasn’t interested. I slowly and defeatedly lowered my hand away from the speaker before turning around to go back to my car. I guess he really didn’t love me like everyone thought he did. When static came from the speaker, I paused.

“What are you doing, Leah?” His voice asked softly.

My heart lodged itself in my throat as I hurried back to the speaker. I deployed the button again.

“Hello? Ummm… My name is Leah. I-I hope I’m at the right place. I’m looking for the Garden of Eden,” I repeated almost silently, pleading with him to give me a little hope.

It wouldn’t take much for me to be able to hold on to the little bit of fight left in me for this man. I just needed something that told me that I wasn’t wrong for loving him like I did.

“Leah,” he breathed before falling silent for a moment.“If you’re looking for someone who would take a shuttle into the sky and bring you back a star or even the moon, I am not that man. If you’re looking for someone to go to the sea floor and bring the heart of the ocean up for you, I am not that man.” He exhaled sharply as my heart broke into a million pieces in my chest. “If you’re looking for someone who would go to the center of the earth just to bring you diamonds, I am not that man,” he finished, his voice slowly fading off.

I pressed the button again as even more tears coursed down my face. “What are you saying?” I whispered. “I just wanted you to love me back.”

I let the button go as I turned around. I was almost to my car when my wrist was grabbed, stopping me from continuing forward. I was pulled back into someone’s arms before I was turned around. He tilted my face up so I was forced to look into his eyes.

“I am not that man, Leah, because I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want to leave your side, not even to get you the sun, moon, or stars above. I don’t want to be without you long enough to go walk along the ocean floor to find something that will be nowhere near as beautiful as you are.” His thumb stroked my trembling bottom lip as he took a deep breath, while his body tensed up. “I love you, Leah, and I am so sorry that it took me so long to realize how important you are to me. It doesn’t matter who you are, whether you are Phoenix, Princess, or Leah. I don’t care. I want all of you.”

I stared at him wide-eyed. “Wh-what did you s-say?” I stammered.

He sighed as he closed his eyes for a moment, and I held my breath as I waited for him to get his emotions under control. When he opened his eyes back up, he put his forehead against mine so that he was looking into my eyes, while his hand still cupped my face.

“I love you, Leah. You are my heart. You are my everything. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. Except be away from you. That is the one thing I never want to do again. It’s been hard. So fucking hard, princess. I wake up, and you’re my first thought in the morning. Before I go to bed, you’re the last thing that crosses my mind. I got used to having you around. I took advantage of the fact that you were in Eden, and all I had to do was check the cameras to see you.” He paused again as emotions started to overwhelm him once more. “It wasn’t until you left that I realized just how strongly I felt about you. I lost you, and my whole world broke. No, not broke. It imploded. There was nothing left of it. I’ve slowly been rebuilding it, rebuilding myself so that I could be happy with myself. I had to forgive myself in order to be the man that you needed me to be. I thought I had time, but after Maddie came a few days ago, I knew that I was out of time. I had to tell you how I felt before I lost the chance to.” He paused again to give a shaky laugh. “I was going to come find you in the morning.”

My hand came up to grip his wrist. “You were?” I whispered.

He nodded. “I’ve finished training my replacement. I don’t need Eden anymore, Leah. I want to be happy. I want to live and be free. I want to move on. And the only way I can do that is if I have you.”

I melted as I leaned against his chest. “Oh, Brennan.”

“Marry me, Leah. I know I have so much healing left to do, but I want to walk that road with you by my side. I know that I am still very broken,” he murmured as he lifted my hand to put it over his heart. “But your love is the glue that is holding me together right now. I know you don’t need me, but as long as you still love me, I never want to let you go.”

I wrapped my other arm around his neck as I pressed my lips against his in a tentative kiss. “Then don’t let me go, Brennan. This is where I belong. With you.”

His eyes fluttered closed as he pulled me closer to his body. “Does that mean that you will marry me?”

“Yes, Brennan, I will marry you,” I answered breathlessly.

“And you won’t marry Armadillo?” He asked almost silently.

I burst out laughing. “Did Maddie tell you that I was going to marry Armadillo?” He nodded. I giggled some more as I shook my head. “I’m not involved with Armadillo, Brennan. Maddie told me she alluded to me and him being together, but she didn’t tell me that she told you I was marrying him.”

“She gave me a wedding invitation with both of your names on it,” he whispered.

I wrapped my arm around his neck as I stood on my tiptoes to press my lips against his. “Armadillo has found the love of his life, Brennan. Her name is Leisha, and she has a beautiful little boy that he just adores. I never tried to pull him away from her. I encouraged him to pursue her. I’ve always known that you were the one for me.”

“And you are sure you do not want him?” He asked again.

“Yes, I am sure. I love you, Brennan. Not Armadillo. And certainly not anyone else,” I reassured him for the third time.

He whooped loudly as he spun us around in a circle. I giggled as I grabbed ahold of his shoulders to keep myself stable so I didn’t vomit. When he finally set me back down on the ground, I smiled up at him before it faded from my lips as his eyes turned stormy.

“Leah?”

“Yes?”

“Joseph told me you went to the doctor and that you were sick. What are you sick with? Are you okay?” He asked.

Panic filled me as I tried to step back. “I’m not sick…”

“Then why did you go to the doctor?” He inquired.

I cursed under my breath, wishing that Joey had told me he had spoken to him about my doctor visit.

“Do you remember what happened between us before I left Eden?” I muttered, looking away from him.

“Yes, but what does that—oh.” His eyes moved down my body before coming back up to my face. I still refused to look at him, too afraid of what I would find in his eyes. “Are you sure?”

I nodded. “Yes. Blood does not lie…”