Understanding Each Other More

When I woke up the next morning, I was still wrapped up in R. H. M.’s arms. I lazily ran my fingers up and down his forearm giddily. I was glad that he hadn’t left like I expected him to. Now I was hoping that whatever had made him so open the day before would make him feel the same way today. I froze when he chuckled behind me before kissing my shoulder.
“Good morning, Leah,” he murmured.
“Good morning, R. H. M.,” I repeated back to him breathlessly.
“How did you sleep?”
“Fine. I would ask how you slept…but I already know you had good dreams.”
He tensed behind me before pulling back to sit on the edge of the bed. I rolled toward him, smiling softly.
“It’s okay, R. H. M. I know you didn’t mean anything by it,” I told him, making him groan.
“You say that but my body fully meant it,” he grumbled as he got up to get dressed.
“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.
He paused with one leg in his pants, and I could see his inner debate on whether or not to tell me what was going on with him. When he finally sighed, my tentative hope blossomed fully. He finished putting his pants before sitting back on the bed with his hands clasped tightly between his legs.
“I haven’t had a sex drive. I don’t get aroused often.” He paused to run his hand agitatedly through his hair. “When you got here, it changed. I think you’re beautiful,” he finished lamely.
I shifted on the bed so that I was kneeling behind him with my arms around his shoulders. “It’s okay, R. H. M. I think you’re pretty too.”
While he laughed at my joke, he linked our fingers together. “Pretty, huh?”
“Very much so. The other day, I thought about…” I stopped talking to clear my throat and pull back from him. “Are you hungry?”
He pulled me around his body to cradle against his chest. “You thought about what?”
“Nothing,” I denied.
He tipped my face up and I immediately got lost in his eyes. “What were you thinking about?”
“I was… I ummm.”
His thumb started rubbing my bottom lip, creating even more of a distraction. “Do I turn you on, Princess?”
I lowered my eyes as I tried to think of an answer that was honest but not too honest. “It’s…”
“You turn me on too. The other day, I couldn’t take it anymore and I touched myself to your memory,” he admitted softly.
My eyes jumped to his where I searched his for dishonesty. Finding none, I stared at him in shock. “You did?”
“Yes. It was the best orgasm I had in years,” he confirmed.
My hands flew up to cover my cheeks that were quickly heating. I swallowed hard before nodding and looking away. “I wondered what it would be like to be with you in that way.”
“What way?” He gently prodded.
I waved my hand, still avoiding his eyes. “That way. You know. *That way.*”
He gripped my chin again to tilt my face back up so that I was looking into his eyes. “What way is that?”
“Are you really going to make me say it?” I asked.
“Yes. Tell me, Leah, what you were thinking about.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. It’s embarrassing.”
“Hmmm. Is it?” He mused.
“Yes. I am not ready for that conversation,” I confided quietly. “Yesterday, we weren’t even talking and today–”
He kissed me hard and I instantly melted into him, kissing him back. When he pulled back, he narrowed his eyes on me, making my heart jump around wildly in my chest.
“Yesterday was a mistake. As were the days before that. I promise you that I won’t make the same mistakes. So, can we please not harp on them?”
“I- I’m sorry,” I stuttered as I tried to climb off his lap.
He wrapped his arms around my waist, keeping me in place as he sighed deeply. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.” He put his forehead against mine. “I know my behavior doesn’t make any sense. My wife and I used to have bad days. When the issue finally passed, she would always look for a reason to bring it up so that we would fight again and she would have a reason to leave. I know you are not the same person but it’s hard to overlook the panic that similar situations cause. I am not using it as an excuse, or at least I’m not trying to, but it is a trigger for me. If you want to talk about it, we can, but, please, not in a way that makes it sound like you are holding onto what happened as a way to get us to fight again.”
My eyes widened as I stared at him again, surprised by his honest admission. I put my hand against his forehead before moving it down his face to press against his cheek.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“Checking to see if you’re dying,” I told him. “Yep. No fever.”
“Why are you worried about me having a fever?” He chuckled.
“Because you are being too– I don’t know. This R. H. M. isn’t the R. H. M. I have been talking to since I got here. I like this R. H. M. so much more,” I told him.
“Why is that?”
I rolled my eyes. I hoped our entire day wasn’t going to be him asking for my reasoning every time I said something. It was going to get old fast.
“Because I have learned more about you sitting here in bed than I knew in the week since I arrived. It’s nice that you are choosing to trust me. I just didn’t expect it.”
He groaned. “Truth be told, my siblings yelled at me. Even though none of them are as scary as Madison, who I know would come to yell at me, and she makes me nervous. Very nervous.”
“Why?” I asked curiously.
“Because, for as sweet as she is, she’s always been protective of Joseph, and I might have hit him yesterday. So, if I disappear, just know it’s because of Maddie.”
I giggled as I ran my fingers through his hair. “I’m sure she’ll let you make it this time. So, what did they say to you?”
“Well, Ramira said it was time to let someone in. She said it was past time to heal and that it was obvious that I liked you. When I asked her to counsel me, she said–”
“Wait! Hold up! You asked her to counsel you?” I interrupted, too shocked not to.
“Yes. She said it was okay to let you in but don’t make you the reason I am trying to have peace with my past. And as for Joey and Caleb, they said the same thing practically about letting you in among some other very angry words about leading you on. Joseph also almost beat me to a pulp so I figured I should probably listen. They do know where I live.”
I couldn’t do anything but stare at him some more. He was literally blowing my mind at the moment. I wanted to push him but I didn’t want to step wrong and make him clam up on me again. I nuzzled into his neck, closing my eyes as we sat there.
“I never fought with Will,” I whispered. “I just took everything he said as fact and never spoke up for myself. I hated my life with him. Everyday I was with him, I wanted to run away. I wanted to fight back, but I never did. My parents had beat obedience into me so deeply that even the thought of sticking up for myself made me have a panic attack. Every single time I wanted to say something, the words died on my tongue. I did nothing but keep my head down to avoid punishment. Even though I don’t have to worry about punishment here, I still don’t want to fight. Sometimes, I’m afraid of what would happen if I said what I truly wanted to say. So, you never have to worry about me starting a fight on purpose.”
His hands moved over my back comfortingly. “I would never hurt you, Leah,” he murmured softly. “You’re safe here.”
I nodded. “I know. It’s the reason I pretended like I was so angry at you.”
“Pretended?”
“Yes, pretended. Well, kind of. I was angry, but I was more hurt than anything,” I admitted.
“I’m sorry, Leah. I really am. I still don’t know what exactly I did wrong but I’m sorry.”
“I know. I forgive you, especially after you opened up to me. It means a lot to know that this isn’t one-sided,” I told him.
His arms tightened around me. “It’s not.”
“Good.” We sat silently for a few minutes before I leaned back to look into his eyes. “So, R. H. M. You never answered my question. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah. I am.”
He gave me a grateful smile, and I knew that I was right in letting our previous subject drop. We both need an emotional break, and what better way to do that then with food.