Conflicted

Brennan

I paced back and forth in my office. I was a complete and utter mess. I wasn’t sure what to do or what to think. I had been trying to calm down. I had been trying to get help from Ramira to cope with my emotions, but every time I called her, she told me she was done with telling me how to fix things. Apparently, I was on my own with figuring this out. I should fire her as not only my psychiatrist but my sister too. I stopped to lower my head. The only reason I hadn’t was because I couldn’t take the loss of another woman whom I loved. Granted, the way I loved Ramira was very different from how I loved Leah, but still. When I came back to my office two days ago, after fleeing when I saw her on the cameras entering, I was distressed to find that she left the master key I gave her to feel safe in the community. I told myself not to take it back to her. To just keep it so she couldn’t come up to my office again, but I found myself doing the exact opposite.

I hoped that she would come back. I hoped that she would catch me unaware. Maybe while I was asleep, so I couldn’t run. I wanted her to just crawl into bed with me and tell me she loved me again. I knew it was stupid and that I should be able to tell her that I loved her while I was fully conscious and aware, but there was no harm in saying it for the first time while pretending I was still half-asleep. 

I was a mess. I knew what I wanted, but I was so lost on how to get it. At one point, I was ready to let go. I was going to tell her everything, but I couldn’t now. Not after everything I had done. I had cheated on her, regardless of what that woman said we did or didn’t do. Not only that, but I had literally attacked her best friend right in front of her in a jealous fit of rage, hurting her in the process. I didn’t like who I was becoming because of my inability to handle my emotions when I was around her. I had already hurt her once on accident. If I kept going like this, would I eventually snap and hurt her on purpose? Would I be able to restrain myself if I got that angry again? Would I be able to protect her from myself?

I was no longer worried about other people. I was worried about myself. I posed the biggest threat to the woman that I loved. Me! Not anyone else. I had a lot of things to answer for, but I was not going to ask her to accept my punishment with me. If I stayed away from her, she would move on from me. Probably with Armadillo, but he was better for her than I was. As much as I hated to admit it. He was even-tempered, wasn’t afraid of his emotions, and was so open about his love for her. Everything that she needed from me, begged me for, she got without a word from him. She was good. She was pure. Just like Armadillo was.

And all I had done was taint what they could have. I had stuck my nose into a relationship that could have been the best thing for her to keep her in a place that was proving to be bad for her. I should have stayed away from her. I should have kept my feelings in check. But she made me weak. My love for her made me weak. I was never going to deserve her, or anyone else for that matter, if I couldn’t get my emotions in check. I loved her more than anything. I would always love her more than anything. And sometimes, when you loved someone, you had to let them go so they could live a good life.

I wouldn’t continue to hold her here in the hopes that I would get my act together enough to be able to love her the right way. She deserved so much better than I could ever give her. She deserved everything that Armadillo could give her. No, not could. Would. I sighed as I stopped pacing to lower my head as I fought back the tears that were creeping up with the knowledge of what I had to do to make everything right for Leah. She was the only person that mattered. Both to me and to him. I sighed again as I rode the elevator down to the main lobby to go to Armadillo’s house. Almost as soon as I knocked, it was yanked open by Armadillo, whose eyes widened a little when he saw me before he took a step back.

“R. H. M.”

“Hey, Armadillo, may I come in?” I asked.

“Are you here to fight me again?”

“No. I just wanted to talk to you,” I responded.

“Alright.”

When he stepped back, I moved past him to go into the kitchen. I leaned against the bar with my ankles crossed as he walked over to the coffee pot.

“Do you want some coffee?” He inquired.

“Not really. I wanted to talk to you about Phoenix.”

“Do you mean Leah?”

“DON’T CALL HER THAT!” I yelled.

He turned around to face me, meeting my eyes instantly. “She told me I could call her Leah. And so I will.”

I narrowed my eyes on him as the urge to punch that smug look off his face almost made me lunge across the room at him. I took a deep breath as I straightened up.

“This was a mistake.”

I walked out of his house without saying anything more to him. Everything I was going to say to him had died an instant death when he told me that Leah had given him permission to call her by her real name. I was going to ask him to love her for me. To give her everything that she deserved. To make her happy in all the ways that I wanted to but couldn’t. I hadn’t expected to get there and find out that she was already moving on without me. I knew how precious her name was to her. She wouldn’t have just given it out. Not unless she had decided to change their relationship in some way.

My heart ached as I wondered in what way she had changed their relationship. Would I be able to overlook the change so we could be together, or—I froze so fast that I almost went flying face first into the dirt in front of me. Who was I kidding? There wasn’t going to be a relationship between me and her. Not again. It was better that I let her go. Not for me. Never for me. But for her. Definitely. When my watch beeped, alerting me to an incoming message, my heart started racing.

“R. H. M.?” Leah’s soft, tear-filled voice called out.

I hesitated as I pondered the best way to respond, but I pondered for too long because before I could answer her, she continued.

“I know you don’t want to see me or even want to talk to me, but I think it’s best if I leave Eden. Can you bring my car around to the front for me? I’m packing up my things now.”

I stared down at my watch in shock. She wanted to leave Eden? No, not Eden. She wanted to leave me. I wanted to beg her to stay. I wanted to beg for her forgiveness. I lowered my head as I raised my wrist to my mouth.

“I’ll meet you at the gate in 30 minutes.”