Ramira's Peptalk

Leah

I tossed and turned all night, once again miserable without Brennan’s arms around me. Today was the third day since our break up and all I did was lay in bed and cry. I couldn’t help the way that I felt. I had never cared about someone the way I cared about him. He was special to me in a way that I had only read about. He had broken my heart and then rubbed it in my face that he didn’t want me. In my books the females were strong enough to walk away, but they were always brought back together with their men. Not too long ago, I would have given anything to be a female lead from any of the books I read, but now I just wanted my leading man. He may be just down the road, but he was out of reach, and I had no idea how I could get back to him for my happy ending. Or if he would even want one with me. His coldness the last time we saw each other told me that he didn’t, which was why I had stayed in bed after punishing myself again, except for taking care of Sugar.

I scratched at my wrist, sighing as a wave of pain moved through me. When Sugar jumped on the bed, I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her shoulder as tears threatened to fall for the millionth time.

“What did I do, Sugar? I was happy with him. Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why did I have to destroy it?” I sobbed.

She turned her head to lick my face. My sobs ramped up when his words started to replay in my head again. *“I don’t want a woman who doesn’t trust me. I don’t want a woman who doesn’t understand her worth. I don’t want a woman who thinks the consequence for making mistakes is to hurt herself. I don’t want to be the reason that my partner thinks she deserves to be punished.”*

I knew I was broken. He knew I was broken too but I thought he would overlook it for what I thought we felt about each other, but I was wrong. I was always wrong. There was no other way to put it. I didn’t deserve to be happy. Broken people didn’t deserve happiness. All they were capable of doing was breaking other people. Maybe it was better that we weren’t together. This way I couldn’t break him. He was safer without me in his life. Sugar bounded out of the room when someone started to knock on the front door. I grumbled under my breath as I shoved the covers off to get up. I walked over to the front door, pulling it open before taking a surprised step back.

“Ramira?”

She gave me a soft smile. “Hey, honey. May I come in?”

“What? Oh, yes. Of course. Please do,” I told her as I stepped back.

She walked past me to go into the kitchen where she began to prepare some eggs and sausage links. I hurried around the island in the middle of the room to reach for the stirring spoon she was using.

“I can do that. I–”

“No, Leah. Please go sit. You look wobbly on your feet. When was the last time you ate anything?” She asked.

“Ummm, a few hours ago,” I mumbled.

“I don’t believe you. Also, while I’m asking you questions, where did all of those bruises and cuts come from?”

“I–ummm.”

She glanced at me over her shoulder. “Don’t even try to lie to me, Leah. I am very good at detecting them.”

I sighed as I clasped my hands in my lap and lowered my head. “I gave them to myself,” I whispered.

“Why?”

“Because I deserved it after what I did,” I answered.

“And what is it that you think you did so wrong?”

“I ummm– I hit R. H. M.”

“Did he deserve it?” She inquired.

“No! I went through his things and found something that upset me. I moved out of his apartment while he took Darcy somewhere and then I broke up with him when he got back after slapping him,” I admitted quietly.

“What did you find?”

“A flash drive that held audio clips of him being intimate with a woman,” I muttered, ashamed of myself for the entire situation.

“Why did you go through his things?” She questioned.

“I don’t know. I never trusted anyone before and I guess I just didn’t want to believe that he was capable of being trusted so I went looking for something to justify not trusting him,” I confided almost silently.

“And how do you feel now about being able to trust him?”

I sighed as my shoulders slumped even more and tears started flowing down my face. “It doesn’t really matter how I feel about it. He’s done with me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Leah,” she said, sliding a plate in front of me.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that my brother was always good at hiding his emotions but he has cues that he can’t hide, which makes him a shitty liar if you pay attention.” She picked up a sausage off my plate to take a bite. “And another thing, if he wasn’t interested in a woman he never gave them a second of his time. He also is not one to just sleep around. He has only been with two women in his entire life.”

“Two?” I repeated stunned.

“Yeah. Two. He doesn’t ‘do’ women, Leah. He falls hard but when he does, it’s true. It’s not just something he can fake. So please, don’t be too ready to throw him and what you could have with him away,” she told me.

“He’s the one that doesn’t want me,” I said. “I tried to apologize and make up with him, but he told me I was broken and that we would never be together again. I have to leave it alone. He’s made it clear.”

“Did he? Or is that what you heard because that’s how you feel?” She asked.

“What? Why would I make that up?”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “Do you feel like you’re broken, Leah?”

I picked up a sausage, stuffing the whole thing in my mouth before chewing slowly to buy myself some time while she slowly sipped her orange juice as she watched me. When I was done, I sighed.

“I know I’m broken, Ramira. I just don’t know how to heal.”

She tilted her head as she studied my face. “Do you want to heal?”

“Of course I do! I just don’t know how,” I sobbed. “He told me that we both needed to heal. If healing is the only way that he’ll consider being with me again, then I have to try.”

She snagged a paper towel off the roll before coming around the island to wipe my face. “I’m going to tell you what I told him. You can’t heal for someone else, Leah. You have to heal for you. Trying to heal for someone else, no matter how much you care about them, will only end in resentment. You have to be willing to put in the work for you. Not for him. Just for you.”

“So, what do I do, Ramira? Because I have no clue,” I whispered.

She pulled me to my feet before ushering me into the bathroom. “First thing you do is shower. The second thing you do is throw caution to the wind and trust someone. Trust him. He won’t lead you down the wrong path. He has helped so many people heal. He can help you too.”

“And then what?” I asked.

“Then you embrace peace and everything else will fall into place,” she answered.

“Anything else?”

“Yeah. You should find a new way to handle your feelings of failure, because what you are doing is not going to help you heal. If you need help finding a way to handle it, he can help you do that too,” she told me. “But you have to put in the hard work. Can you do that?”

I looked down at my hands before slowly raising my eyes back up to hers. “I don’t know, but I will try.”

She gave me a soft smile. “That’s all you need to do. He can guide you through everything else.”

I hesitated before sighing. “Okay.”

“Good. Now, shower.”

She disappeared out of the doorway and I quickly stripped and showered. When I was done getting ready, I walked out of the bathroom to find her toasting a homemade burrito.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Your food. You’re going to eat it on the way.”

“On the way to where?” I inquired surprised.

“To your VR session.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to go.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s there,” I whispered.

“Please don’t make me haul you there, Leah. I’m old.”

“But–”

“But nothing. You already completed step one. Now, you are on to step two, which is trusting him to help you get better,” she told me.

“But what if he breaks me more?”

“He’ll only break you more if you allow it, Leah,” she said, holding out the plate to me.

I eyed it for a moment before picking up the paper towel wrapped burrito. “Alright. I said I’ll try, so I guess I should go to the session.”

“Good. Come on. I’ll walk you.”

While we walked to his office building, I devoured my burrito, having starved myself for the last three days. When we arrived, she took my hand, and I clung to it as she guided me inside to the elevator. My hand tightened around hers as the doors began to open. Brennan sat behind his desk with a neutral look on his face. He stood up.

“Phoenix–”

“I’m here for my session,” I murmured as I let Ramira’s hand go and walked past Brennan to ‘Mister’s’ office.

I paused when I heard Ramira speak.

“Call me if you need anything else, R. H. M.”

“I will.” I turned to see her walking back toward the elevator. He rushed up to her to hug her tightly. “Thank you, Mira, for bringing her back to me.”

I swallowed hard before hurrying over to the seat in the middle of the office. Brennan walked in a few moments later and picked up the helmet. He placed it carefully on my head before stepping back.

“Are you ready?” He asked softly.

I studied his face for a second. “No.”

“What can I do to help you be ready?”

I hesitated before sighing and lowering my eyes. “Kiss me.”

“No. There is–”

“No us, I know,” I told him as I met his eyes again. “Prove it to me.”

His jaw clenched before he gave me a sharp nod. He bent down to press his lips against mine. I let my eyes flutter close as he increased the pressure a little. I reached up to fist his shirt in my hand, allowing me to feel his heart racing under my fingers. Suddenly, he pulled back, and I couldn’t help the way my eyes were drawn to his heaving chest.

“I told you, Phoenix. We were over. Do you believe me now?” He said.

“Yeah. I believe you, R. H. M.”

“Good. Are you ready now?”

“Mhmmm.”

As he walked out, I smiled softly. Ramira was right. Again. He was a really shitty liar if you paid attention. And after that kiss, I would definitely be paying attention to him more.