CHAPTER144
I struggle with my mind, my biggest nemesis, unaware that my body is responding to the doubts pushing to the forefront and pulling away from him. Reality claws at me like a ravaged animal, trying to force my mind back to attention. Terror takes hold, and I know I’m losing the battle with myself.
“Stop over thinking, Emma,” he grunts into my ear hoarsely, his breath running over my throat; he kisses my naked shoulder, biting, nipping. I turn my face to his and breathe him in, nuzzling his hair and trying to get back to the lost abandon of moments ago, to get immersed in how good this feels. How good he feels. Desperate to join him again.
He changes his angle and thrusts harder. I moan out and arch against him as a spasm of pleasure courses through me unexpectedly. I can’t hold on for much longer. He’s managed to pull me back so effortlessly, and I pant through a cry. I’ve never had sex like this. I’ve never felt this kind of all-embodying sensation. It’s terrifying, yet amazing.
What about when he stops? What happens to me once I’m done being ravaged by my boss?
The tears sting my eyes unexpectedly, and I try to bite them back, emotional, stupid thoughts kicking in to remind me what Jake is like with sex.
What about Marissa? What does she mean to him?
I grasp at his shoulders turning my face away, afraid he’ll sense the fear and doubt. Overwhelmed again, I’m fighting the building tension within my body as it nears a greater height. I’m still clinging to him, still pushing against him despite my emotional turmoil, and it only confuses me more. My body wants something my brain does not, and all I can do is move in motion with his thrusts, groaning and clawing to make him push harder. Submissive to what he’s doing.
I’m so confused.
“Stop it, Emma,” he pleads. He grabs my chin in one hand and forces me back toward his assault of kisses.
Stop what?
I’m doing what he’s making me do, my body moving in time to his, held captive by his mouth and hands. Climbing again, only so intensely that I know I’m going to rip apart. I don’t know how to react, how to stop it. I don’t want to stop it. But I have to. I’m scared that it’ll overwhelm me. Marissa is invading my mind. What we’re doing … doubt searing through me. It’s too much; it’s too intense, writhing under him, trying to keep control, but he grabs my wrists roughly as I try to recoil, holding them down to the floor while making my senses reel back to him. He stops fucking me.
“I’ll stop, Emma. Do you want me to stop?” His tone is serious and dark, but his eyes are wary and begging me. It’s like he drags my focus back in from all the messy overthinking that is pushing in, and I shake my head. I don’t want to face the after; it can’t stop. I don’t want him to stop.
“Don’t,” I pant, scared of the intensity in his look, of just how overcome with lust he is and how desirable he is to me right now. He visibly relaxes and starts moving hard and fast inside me as though he knows I may change my mind, pulling my thighs up for leverage and holding me more firmly with every thrust. His desire drowns out sense, and Jake really goes for it.
Every part of him is against me, his mouth on mine again, and I’m lost as his tongue caresses my own. I relinquish all control. That last piece of him entwined with me, drowning out the last of the voices in my head. His kiss is my savior from myself, while he pounds me like he just can’t stop.
It sends me off the edge, and I erupt so suddenly; I can’t even prepare as it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I cry out, screaming his name, digging my nails into his shoulder blades while spasms explode inside and out, causing a million sensations to ignite at once. My brain spins and jerks in ecstasy. It’s devastating. It’s amazing. And overwhelming, all at once, as my thighs clench around his waist forcefully. He thrusts hard into me once more heightening my completion, causing another volcano eruption of stars which have me spiraling out of control, up and over the crashing waves, free falling, crying out and clutching for dear life as he holds me. Spent as soon as the shudders recede, Jake stills within me, falling on top of me, panting as much as I am, so I guess he found his own climax inside of me while I was mid-orgasm.
“Emma, merda,” he breathes, and groans into my neck, lying heavily over me after his own cumming. I lay sated and breathless as the world slows around me and my senses start to calm. My body is tingling all over and I’m exhausted, suddenly emotional and all too aware as sense loses its lust fog. Self-consciousness rolls over me, and it’s like I suddenly see what we just did, which shakes me before kicking me in the gut with a rude awakening. I’m semi-naked and entwined with him on the floor of our suite. This is more than an ‘oh shit’ moment. That’s a massive understatement. This is more of an ‘I’ve lost my fucking mind’ moment.
I shrug out from under him, instantly mortified, cold, terrified, ashamed, unsure. He rolls away reluctantly, kicking his pants and underwear from around his ankles. I start to tremble as this hits me properly, and I scan his naked body in panic.
What have we done?
My face starts burning, and my legs turn to Jell-O. I can’t breathe as anxiety tears my mind open. My body is still basking in the aftereffects, yet regret is also swooping in. I try to get away quickly, but he hauls me back to him against his naked body, and I stiffen all over.
“Emma, don’t,” he warns with an unreadable tone.
“Don’t what?” I sound small and terrified, and I hate that voice; it’s betraying the overwhelming hysteria growing up inside of me like a tornado about to engulf my entire world.
“Don’t close that door, not after this.” He stretches out beside me on the floor, voice low and raw, but I want to die with the shame at what I have just allowed him to do with me. I’m no better than all the whores he beds.
I can’t. I can’t do this. What the hell have I done? I’ve just destroyed my relationship with Jake and my entire career in one fell swoop. I’ve just opened Pandora’s box on a whole host of chaos I can’t deal with.
My mind is running a hundred miles an hour. I’m seeing everything that we are, and that I’ve worked for, crumble away to dust. He can do casual sex and brush off stuff like this, but me? I’ve just completely surrendered what was left of my heart to the one man who would never want it, and I can’t go back. He’s ruined me for anyone else ever!!!
“We’ve crossed the line, Jake: we can’t go back from this.” There are tears in my eyes, because I know this changes everything. He swears under his breath and rolls back over me, leaning in while trying to bring me back to him, but I resist. His eyes search my face trying to gain contact, caging me in with his muscular arms, but my walls are rising.
“Emma, don’t do this. It’s sex; don’t over think it.” His words are like a slap in the face. This is the problem right here! This was just another meaningless screw to him, another faceless woman. But it wasn’t. It was me, Emma! And now everything is destroyed, and I’ll never go back.
“I’m not you!” I spit angrily. I shove his chest hard, the emotions bubbling up ready to burst forth, that inner self-doubt and fear flooding through. “I can’t just have sex then shrug it off meaninglessly.”
Why did he have to say it like that? Like this is nothing. This is why I should have never let it get this far.
“You think that’s what I’m going to do?” he says with instant hurt, then anger, all at the same time. His arms tense over me, keeping us apart to glare eye to eye, his face a picture of rage and betrayal, but I am so far gone in my own mind.
“Maybe I should ask Marissa!” I snap at him, close to breaking down. Jealousy rips through me saying her name, heart wrenching pain hitting me hard, and my own eyes smart with the instant need to cry."
