CHAPTER617
I find Arrick in the garden on his own, sitting on a swing in the shadow of the trees under his childhood treehouse, lost in thought as he picks at grass on the ground underneath him.
He looks crazy young, hanging from the seat to lean down and makes me hate how these past few weeks between us have been. It’s easy to forget all we are to each other when faced with all this bullshit. Watching him now is a reminder of sitting here on summer days and laughing at his lame jokes, a happier time that warms me a little to my core.
I slide into the swing next to him and gaze at him for a moment, and yet even though I can tell he sees me, he doesn’t react. Carries on picking at blades and acting like I’m invisible.
“You giving me the silent treatment now?” I nudge into him by swinging myself over and he frowns and carries on killing grass. The air of petulant boy that’s more expected of his brother than him and for the first time in weeks, he makes me raise a tiny smile at how childish he can be sometimes. A little lifting in my heart of all that has been swirling around, all because Arrick is acting like a teen child instead of my bossy boyfriend. He’s acting like me.
“You tell me… I’m not exactly sure what I should be doing right about now when it comes to you.” His tone is low, gruff, and snappy.
He’s sulking…
My moody boy.
I take a long steady breath; Emma’s words etched into my brain and try to not get instantly defensive with him. I need to be gentle and ask him to lay off for a few days. Make him see it’s what we both need.
“I need a little breathing space and time to let everything sink in, I think. I haven’t really had time to process anything, Arry. I need you to understand it’s not you, it’s not us. I want some alone time for a few days.”
Arry sits up and locks eyes on me, leaning against the chain of the swing so it moves closer to me and watches me intensely.
“You’re not fifteen anymore, Sophs. I’m not some random guy trying to win you over and get past your defense system… This shit, us, we are way beyond all that and pushing me out, locking me out, it’s killing me.” He looks distraught, even if it’s veiled in mild anger.
“I know… I’m sorry, it’s … I don’t know how or why I feel this way, and I can’t even begin to decipher it when we seem to keep fighting with each other. I need a little time to get my head straight.” Trying so hard to keep my tone soft and sincere and my irritation under control. It’s not easy when my emotions are still all over the place and he looks so done with all of this.
“What about me and what I need? Or is this only about your loss, huh?” He snaps. Eyes getting greener by the second and every muscle in his face tightening. His posture rigid and hostile.
“Arry, please.” I plead. My heart sinking that this is heading for another fall out and it wasn’t my intention.
“You want me to leave you here and go back to the city, don’t you? You want miles of space, not just houses apart?” He’s gutted, turning away, but the tensing of that jaw tells me he’s reeling inside. Hurting him because I want him to go away.
I don’t blame him.
“Only for a few days… No one here knows except Emma and Jake, no one will treat me any different or question it. You have some space; I have some space. I can talk to my mom and get myself checked over. Then I come home, and we figure this out.” I am trying so hard to keep my tone level and gentle but it’s not working on him.
If only life was that simple, I know it’s not going to be that easy and I don’t want to feel weighted down by his feelings right now, on top of mine. I know it’s selfish, but I feel like this emptiness is stopping me from even being able to love him right now too. I can’t think beyond myself in this. If I am punishing myself then I have to get a handle on that by myself before I can deal with his feelings.
“Screw this.” Arrick gets up and walks off angrily, wrestling with his own head and stops a few feet away to kick at something in the grass. I stay sat still and watch him for a minute, not sure what else to do really. Holding my breath as anxiety hitches inside of me and start hoping this doesn’t lead to another all-out fight. I have no energy for it at all. He turns to me and walks back.
“Do you still want to marry me? Or is that something else you don’t know how to feel about?” He looks broken so suddenly, pain etched into those eyes my heart breaks a little too.
Oh, Arry.
“This isn’t about that. I love you and I want to marry you… But we aren’t exactly working, are we? I don’t want us to rush into a wedding thinking it will fix this and make it worse. You have to see that right now, Arry… We’re falling apart.” I say it quietly, barely able to look at him while he seems so distraught and stares off into the distance.
“I don’t get what this is… Do you blame me for what happened? Because I left the way I did? I wasn’t there, and I should have been?” He sounds devastated and it adds to the crushing pain in my chest that is building slowly. This is why I keep avoiding him because this is all I feel when we talk.
“No… I blame me for what happened. I blame how much I kept saying I didn’t want it. This isn’t about you, it’s about me and how much I feel like I made this happen. Don’t you get that? … I kept telling it I didn’t want it, resented being stuck there and not getting to choose anything happening in my life anymore. I blamed it for us fighting all the time, feeling trapped and cut off from everyone and all our plans and goals… And you walking out on me in anger… I blame everything on myself for laying all the blame on an innocent baby for everything going to shit. I did this and then when I lost it, I didn’t feel anything that I know I should feel and it’s messing my head up.” The sob escapes my throat out of nowhere and Arrick slides down onto his knees in front of me to catch my hand in his, but I pull away. Abhorring touch while feeling this way."
