CHAPTER285
“Hey,” I say to Sarah when she answers the phone. Her sweet hello makes me smile. I am missing her like crazy, even though it’s only been two weeks since Jake brought me here. I’ve been hiding, mulling things over, trying to get my head around everything that is my life, before reaching out to her or anyone else. I swore Jake to secrecy about the baby until I could let it sink in and see how things went between us. I need time and he’s giving it to me.
“Hey you. How’s it all going? I didn’t want to call after your text in case you two needed some time alone.” She responds with a gentle tone, the one she uses when she thinks I’m fragile.
Oh, are you about to find out how fragile I am.?
“I’m getting there. It’s been a bit up and down. I’m still taking crazy angry turns at Jake, but I have to admit he’s been the model of absolute patience.” I sigh, and think back over the last couple of weeks, cringing. Jake has been understanding. He’s keeping his distance unless I initiate touch which is rare, still no kissing, and no sex. He’s enduring my cyclone of moods like a champ. I can’t fault him at all. Jake has been everything he promised; patient, understanding, calm, non-demanding and gentle, sometimes a little too gentle.
He is letting me behave appallingly towards him; not yelling back when I need to shout at him, not reacting when I slap his hands away, or when I avoided his touch, and surprising me with take-out whenever he has to go out. He brings me everything I crave, at any hour, night, or day, even when he has to drive thirty minutes to go fetch it. He moved to another bedroom for the first two nights of me being here, until I woke from another night terror and crawled in beside him, sobbing my heart out. After that he refuses to sleep apart again so on that front I relented. Sleeping apart was miserable anyway, not only because of the dreams but because I missed having him nearby even when I wanted to throw things at him. Even in bed though, he’s kept his distance for the most part.
“He should be, seeing as he’s the one who did this to you.” She soothes.
Oh, the irony.
“Sarah … talking of things Jake’s done to me…” I break off and inhale slowly. I still haven’t got my head around this little detail, petrified by the idea, still not sure if I’ve absorbed it at all.
“Please tell me he hasn’t done anything else that stupid?” Sarah gasps, suddenly in ferocious mode, her tone almost a growl. I can picture that sweet face twisting in rage and over protectiveness.
Well actually…
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt it out, breathing out so it comes out like a whoosh noise. I figure using the whole ripping off a Band-Aid method is probably best; say it quickly and it won’t be as bad.
“Say again?” Sarah halts with a sharp intake of breath.
“I’m going to have Jake’s baby.” Another quick whoosh of breath in a zombie-like monotone.
God, even the way I say it sounds like I’m in complete disbelief, trying the words out for the first time after two weeks of mulling this over.
There’s an eerie silence for a moment and I’m not sure if Sarah’s there anymore; maybe she’s passed out, but I didn’t hear a thud. The inner swirl of fear I’ve been harboring for the last two weeks rises, getting ready to spill over.
“You know … ordinarily, anyone else saying this to me, especially with all you two have going on would make me feel a bit…well, upset. But I have this weird sense of happiness right now that I really can’t explain.” the slow swell of joy in her tone as she lets my news sink in. She sounds almost as confused at her reaction as I have been the past weeks here.
“You’re happy?” I question flatly, not sure of what response I wanted from her. Now I’m confused, and suddenly a little irritated. Sarah was always the word of reason and wisdom. Now she’s being a Jake.
“I think you need this, Ems.” She encourages, softly, with a gentle tone.
I am beyond stupefied right now.
“I need an unplanned pregnancy?” I repeat like a completely brainless dimwit who can’t absorb anything she’s saying, an edgy tone to my voice. I am trying to figure out how her brain works.
“No. I mean I used to think you needed someone like Jake to bring out the inner you, but now I think, this here, this is what’s going to bridge that last gap. Motherhood Emma. I think you need motherhood.” She sounds sure, enlightened, as though she’s just had the most amazing epiphany.
I don’t think so!
I have no words; my brain is whirring and whizzing at my friend’s idiotic logic.
“We’re not in the nineteen fifties. I won’t have a fulfilling life if I just get married and pop out babies,” I snap a little too aggressively, trying to reel in the anger I’ve been going through a lot lately; annoyed at myself for getting snippy with her. But really, she has the most idiotic logic ever, it wouldn’t surprise me if in her next breath, she tries to marry me off to him!
“No that’s not what I mean, look, stop getting upset. I just mean that part of you, maybe, needs unconditional love and the nurturing maternal stuff that comes with being a mom. That with Jake and a baby you’ll maybe find that place you’ve been looking for. What he can’t give you himself he can give you by making you a mother.” She leaves me dumbfounded, so sure of her crazy ideology.
I run a hand over my face in agitation and rub at my closed eyes. Sarah has really lost her mind.
“I have no idea what you’re on but send some my way. I could do with that kind of special this morning,” I snap grumpily, hostility in full flow, only she giggles at the other end.
“Oh, my God, poor Jake. Emma, really? In less than five minutes I can only imagine the crazy mess he’s dealing with. All those versions of you colliding dramatically with hormonal imbalance thrown in and you’ve probably no idea how to handle it at all. No wonder you’re being so pissy.” Her tone seems to quell my anger and despite myself I smile. Sarah, of all people, knows me well and she’s right.
My life has been turned on its head and every version of who I was or am has me so upside down and back to front, I’ve no idea who I am anymore. All I know is graceful, cold, PA Emma, would never be in the crazy mess I’m in now. I haven’t worn any of her clothes in weeks, let alone those stilettos, which I’ve kept with me almost like a protective talisman. I wear flats now … flats! Girly clothes, cute jumpers, and goddamn summer dresses in romantic fabrics. Hell must have frozen over surely.
“I’ve been a nightmare, Sarah. It’s a wonder he’s still here.” I cast my mind back to the tearful sobbing, angry shouting and smashing plates of crazy Emma who
has been occupying the apartment with him. The woman who woke from a nap on the couch to find Jake had
set up the bathroom with candles, music, rose petals and a gorgeous bubble bath for me, and told him I hated him before breaking down in sobs. I am a mess. Jake is in
pain too, but I’m selfishly stomping all over him, ignoring what he’s feeling, marking it as invalid because he hurt
me and ruined things, because he took my trust and ripped
it up into tiny shreds."
