CHAPTER646
Being drunk is making him stupid. Insane. Grasping at straws over something so dumb.
“I know I sound crazy, and everything that’s happened, I know I am making you upset, but there are things I can’t help seeing… Like these.” He motions at my breasts and I have to admit, the last couple weeks I had to up a bra size because they felt firmer, but it means nothing. I gained weight from sitting around sewing for two weeks and eating take out. I was already gaining weight in Paris. It means nothing.
“I have bigger boobs, therefore I’m pregnant!” I snap drily, wiping my tears, but he looks agitated.
“Do you want the list, because I have one, Sophs. I notice these things and tried to tell myself they were because you were recovering, but …”
I shake my head at him and throw my hands up as if to say ‘Go, be more insane if you really have to’ completely blown away that we are actually arguing about this today of all days. I hate alcohol, I should have known it would sweep in and ruin this.
“You’re eating more, eating crazy foods still. Sleeping more. Emotional and touchy. Moody with everyone else except me now. Your breasts are bigger and your softening around the waist and ass enough that I actually noticed, not that it’s bad. You look crazy beautiful with more curves; it’s just I see these things.”
“Arrick?” I try to stop him, feeling deflated but he’s on a roll and I can see he is putting it together all in his head and trying to make it fit.
“You have started bypassing all the food you normally eat and choosing food you never touched before. Like gherkins in your burger, or pickles with salad the other day and last night you sat and straight ate a family sized bag of prawn crackers. You hate them when we get Chinese food. I know it’s cliché, but the stereotypes come from somewhere.” Arry looks convinced and his conviction in what he’s saying enrages me.
“You have lost your ever-loving mind.” I state flatly and glare at him for being this weird.
“Sophs, it should be getting less, not more. Recovery would mean it trails off, but you seem to be going the opposite way.” He seems frantic and I keep telling myself it’s because he’s really drunk. My normal clear thinking and logical Arrick is not here right now and I shouldn’t be mad for this thoughtlessness, but I can’t help it. He’s making me crazy. “Please, if I go find a twenty-four-hour pharmacy, will…”
I get up like lightening and snap at him.
“No!” I don’t want to do this on my wedding night to appease his doubts. I know it will say negative and break my heart all over again. I know that my baby died, I was there, and maybe he’s having a harder time accepting it than I thought he was, because he wasn’t. If this is him finally coming to the realization it’s gone and experiencing some sort of traumatic break, then I don’t know how to handle it.
Why today of all days?
I stare at him in utter heartbreak for making this one night about this one thing. He’s ripping me to shreds, knowing that I did this to both of us. Arrick sits back down and looks at me with a broken expression. Taking in my face and visibly pulling himself together, like he realizes what he’s doing to our special night. What he’s doing to me.
“I’m sorry. I know you got checked out, and I guess I hoped that maybe there was a chance. I kept trying to ignore all the little signals as nothing, but tonight it seems too coincidental.” His voice is torn and low and it stabs me with hos broken he sounds. I blanche at him and how his head works and feel utterly powerless. I know that no sex means no baby, but I can see how desperately he is clinging on to some stupid hope.
“I get that you want me to be. I do. I get that it hurts you still, but I’m not, you need to accept it.” I am trying to keep my tone level and kind, because I don’t want to be harsh.
Please, for me. Let this go.
“This is what you were like last time, denying it and adamant you weren’t, and you were wrong about it that time.” He takes one last attempt at pleading his case and my temper starts to rise.
I feel like I am really going to lose it with him, but my compassionate side is trying like crazy to curb my rage and understand that maybe this is grief talking. Gritting my teeth, adopting the tone I use to talk to Mia, while clenching my fists in the sheets of the bed.
“Arrick listen to me, your drunk and not thinking straight. We haven’t had sex; we can’t be pregnant again. Your ruining our wedding night with this and I want you to stop.” I start to cry hopelessly, letting it out in sheer desperation and he climbs on the bed and scoops me up in his arms.
“I’m sorry, baby. I … I want our baby. It’s in my head all the time, and I hoped that you throwing up again, that it meant something.”
I take in that sad expression and my heart dies a little inside. His pain on show without any masks and it ruins what’s left of me. He’s hurting and broken, and I can’t fix this for him. He needs to know so he can let it go or else he will drive himself insane with over thinking. All I can do is give him what he needs, even if it is excruciating for me.
“Get a test. All it will do is tell you what I already know. I wasn’t entirely honest, Arrick. I didn’t go see a doctor when we came back and maybe I should have. I might be sick, maybe I have something going on down there and that’s why I still feel unwell, but I can promise you. We lost our baby and I am no longer pregnant.” I say it slowly as tears pour down my face and we stare at each other. Both desperate in our personal hell and as much as I don’t want to do this, I feel like somehow, he thinks he needs me to. He takes a moment to let my words sink in and I see some of logical Arry register on his face.
“If it’s negative, I want you to go to hospital with me tonight. If there’s no explanation for all of it in a test, then I’m scared that maybe something else is wrong with you. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I don’t want to spend tonight in a hospital. The test will be negative, and I swear you can take me tomorrow before we head off on our honeymoon to your family boat. Just go find somewhere and get this over and done with.”
It’s a compromise for his sanity and as much as I still don’t want to do this, I have to let him see the truth."
