CHAPTER627
“You don’t want to marry him anymore?” Sylvana blanches, that shock shoots across her face and makes me wince.
“I do… I feel like we’re broken, and a wedding wouldn’t fix anything.” I gaze out at the greenhouse once more and get pangs of pain at all the memories of all he’s been to me.
“That must have hurt both of you, but you’re right. You can’t just put a band aid on it with a wedding. You have to face the core of why you’re not working anymore and work it out first.” She pats my hand gently, bringing my eyes back to hers.
“I’ve been so immature and blind. Paris was for me and it destroyed everything. I kept making him feel like it was his fault that we were drifting.” I sigh and let out the heavy breath I have been holding.
“Long distance relationships are hard, Sophie, and despite how often he flew home to you, that was what you were doing. Arrick was always desperate to go back to you whenever I saw him. He hated the way your lives were going. He hated not being with you.” She smiles softly, and I see him in that face and those dimples.
“I hated it too, but I kept pretending I didn’t, so he wouldn’t worry.” We hid truths and that’s where we started to disconnect.
“You pretended for his sake, while he was pretending for yours. Miserable and fragile. Then you threw in an unplanned baby and boom… It all unraveled. No wonder things began to fall apart, Sophie. You’re both so young and still finding your way.”
We were both living lies to try and make the other believe it was all okay. We stopped talking, sharing and being honest. The proposal was a quick fix on the surface, but we never really addressed all that was going wrong. We didn’t reconnect or find ourselves again. We took a time out before stepping back to the same scenario. Coming home right away might have put us on the road to starting to undo the damage but the baby threw it all in the air before we had a chance.
“We were coming home… School done, life looking set to come back to what we had before. Then he told me I had to stay because I couldn’t fly, and I felt like I had no choice… He wouldn’t talk about other options, made it clear we were having a baby and that was it; blinkers on, stubborn headed Arrick. He wouldn’t listen to me. So, in good old stubborn Sophie fashion I rebelled against him and dug my heels in, refused to face reality.”
That’s what I do. Stupidly defiant even if it only hurts me too.
“All the while your hormones were going crazy and you were already miserable where you were. Oh, Sophie… So much you two had to contend with.” Sylvana pats my hand and smiles sympathetically with so much compassion.
“I’ve been really unfair, haven’t I?” That reality is like being sat on by a very large animal. Crushed by my own guilt and longing for my boy, right here beside me, right now. I would give anything for him by my side in this moment.
“I think you needed to make your own way to this conclusion and learn from it. That’s how we grow as people. You see where you lost your way and you take steps to fixing it. That’s how life works.”
Like an overwhelming release of mounting pressure, my brain almost pops with the effort and I am left feeling completely clear on one thing.
“I want Arrick.” I burst into heartfelt tears this time, emotions overwhelming me from all angles as it hits me hard. I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see me again. He should be here with me, hugging me, sleeping beside me and healing with me. Instead he’s nursing a broken heart and wounded pride because I told him I didn’t want him. Sylvana regards me seriously and squeezes my hand in hers purposefully.
“Then you have a choice. You either call him and wait for him to arrive, because you know he will come at the drop of a hat. Or you go to him and make things right and start taking a little responsibility in your relationship. Give and take, equal roles, Bambino.”
Sylvana is making it clear. Stop making him chase you when he’s not the one who should be groveling. Stop making Arrick the one who does all the leg work when things go wrong. Grow up, Sophie, and realize that he doesn’t owe it to you to always fix everything and do everything. None of this is his fault and it never was.
It’s about time I am there for him. Love is a two-way thing and for a long time I have made him keep appeasing me for his past mistakes.
Punishing him for how we started out and hurting me a long time ago and getting too used to having him run after me and always do what I want him to do. I’ve been abusing his devotion to me for so long I was blind to it.
Thinking about all of that. About how it feels to be wrapped up tight in that strong embrace, listening to his steady heartbeat; it hurts me so much with a pang of longing and loneliness.
“I want to go home and see my boy. I miss him. I love him.”"
