CHAPTER616
Saying those words bite at me and I inhale slowly to soothe the way it tastes. I am not fully numb, but it’s there, cutting off a lot off what lingers behind, so it doesn’t touch me. Like a million times in my childhood when I thought I was living through the worst hell of my life. It amazes me how many different types of hell one person can endure.
“I don’t think that sounds to me like you don’t care. It sounds a lot like you are in the first stages of grief… Numb and empty are classic shock symptoms. When it comes to death, they can last a while, with some, the more intense your devastation it seems the stronger the numbness hits you. I think you maybe feel a lot more than you realize and you’re dealing with it differently to him. It’s normal.”
“Or maybe I’m a heartless bitch who didn’t want a baby.” I throw my head back against the padded leather headboard and stare at the ceiling in despair. Frustrated with my own mind and heart. Biting the words bitterly even though I know they do not ring true. We sit quietly for a moment and then Emma squeezes my hand, pulls it up and turns to me purposefully.
“If you could undo it, and be pregnant still, right now… Would you? Don’t think, just answer.” She nudges me gently and I impulsively nod. Not even giving myself a moment to think about the question.
I don’t doubt it. I begged it to stay with me on that bathroom floor when I knew it was leaving me.
“You’re in shock, Sophie… Grieving and feeling overwrought with lingering hormones. You need some time to rest and digest. Physically you may be recovering, but emotionally, that takes a little time. You maybe didn’t think you wanted the baby, but you would have gotten used to it in time and I don’t doubt that somewhere deep down you started caring about it before you could really digest it.”
I sigh heavily, willing this weight to do one. I am so fed up with this eternal heaviness.
“Counsellor Emma knows best, right?” I frown at her. I don’t mean it sarcastically; I feel like none of this makes any difference. None of it helps. It doesn’t change where we are at.
It doesn’t bring her back.
“Stop punishing him… Even if that’s not what you’re doing, it feels that way to him. Let him in, you know you can and have done a million times before. Stop pushing, stop hurting him because you are punishing yourself.” Emma draws me back in and I exhale.
“I’m not punishing myself?” I blink at her, unsure what to think and she lifts her hand to brush the hair from my face. A gentle nothing moment of tenderness that brings Arry to the forefront of my mind and how often he does this exact thing. It hurts, more than it should and I blink away tears.
“I think in a roundabout way you could be. Pushing him away because he’s the one thing in the world that you need, and you don’t feel like you deserve it. Address the issues, Sophie. Not the fallout.”
“I don’t know how. It’s just… I need space and time. I need to get my head straight on all of this. I’m so confused and you’re making me more so.”
I never evaluated the fact that I am pushing him because of my guilt and my feeling of unworthiness, but she makes sense. I wanted him home and soon as he was by my side I didn’t. I blame it on his pain, knowing it’s partly that, but she has a point. I did this to us; I don’t deserve his love and I don’t want him to console me. I deserve to suffer.
Why am I so fucked up in the head sometimes?
“Then talk to him about it and tell him that, don’t cut him off and hurt him more. He has no clue what’s going on in your head and no one knows you like he does. Whatever has gone on in the last months, you know at the root of it all he still adores you and would do anything for you.” She strokes a hand over mine and I interlace fingers with her snugly, needing to feel less alone in this.
“I’m not ready. I need time.” If it were as simple case of opening up to him then I would have gotten there already. Arry is a talker, he likes to talk it out. He tried to make me talk and I didn’t want to. It all comes down to me needing space and time to process all of it.
I sit up on the bed and stare at the pictures of him, opposite me on the board. Looking handsome and young with his arm around me at some beach somewhere, both smiling and genuinely looking like a couple in love, even though I’m sure I was only 16 at the time. It’s kind of sweet that the majority of the pictures up there are of me and him, or groups of his friends with us always together in the middle. Arry admitted he always loved me, but it’s when I see little glimpse of reminders like this that it hits home.
I don’t deserve him, or all he does for me.
“Time is fine, as long as you don’t make it so long that he drifts away, Sophie. Trust me. I know the breaking point of a Carrero man if you keep them at arm’s length for long enough.”
Emma’s words wind me as I try to digest a future with no Arry, and the thought is abhorrent to me.
“I still want to marry him… I still love him as much. I just need to breathe a little and get some perspective on everything. I don’t want to lose him.” Panic grips me tight, building up the nausea which is becoming my constant bed fellow and my blood runs cold.
“Then tell him that; stop shutting the door on him and be honest about your needs in a gentle way. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. So self-defensive and aggressively done. You are the queen of hostile when you are protecting yourself, you can’t help it. Arry is probably the most understanding guy on the planet when it comes to you, but even he has a breaking point and right now, he’s not himself either. He’s struggling. He isn’t capable of dealing with you like this when the pain affects him too.”
“He won’t listen, you know what he’s like when he’s in care mode…Overprotective and pig headed and won’t sway to what I need, over what he thinks I need. It’s hard to be patient with him when he steamrollers over me. He takes everything I say and interprets it how he wants.”
I know that’s not exactly fair anymore, over the past two years Arrick has relaxed a little, gotten comfier in our dynamic and he is nowhere near as bad as he was in the beginning of life in love. He has mellowed and tends to listen sometimes. Just not when it comes to shit like this. He can still drive me crazy at times.
“You rule that boy’s heart, Sophie… The only person he ever does listen to, is you. Occasionally Jake, but usually not so much. You have so much power over him and that’s not always a good thing. He and Jake are stubborn and overbearing at times, but it comes from loving us to death. Don’t hate him for his natural instinct to take care of you, protect you. You wouldn’t love him if he was any other way, it’s that unyielding devotion and care that made you trust him to start with.”
I rub my face in agitation knowing she is totally right. Arry won me over with undying persistence and gentle handling. He broke through when no one else could and he worked his way into my secret inner space with that passionate pure soul of a guy who really does have a solid heart of gold. He made me trust him and he made me feel safe. When everything else was terrifying and cruel, Arry made me see the light at the end of the tunnel and held my hand to get me there. His patience and calmness are what gave him the ability to keep trying with me.
I owe him so much.
“I don’t know what I need … Arry aside, I don’t know how to act or how to be. So how can I tell him what I need when I don’t know? How can I be what he needs? It’s all coming at me so fast and my head’s still spinning around.”
It all tumbles out in a whoosh of chaos and I slump forward, pulling my knees up to prop my arms and flop my head down dejectedly.
“You need space and time, yes, just try to tell him in a way that won’t wound his heart more than it is, Sophie. Be delicate with him. Arry isn’t always as solid as you think he is… The rest will follow. Be honest with him and stop pushing. Space is not too much to ask for when you are both on the same page.”
Maybe I need a few days to be here without him. Alone with family while I recover and heal. Sometime apart but knowing he’s only an hour away if I need him. I think we both could use some breathing space to get some perspective and a break from the constant fighting.
I am so done with all of this and want to hibernate and be left alone for a little while."
