CHAPTER468
He makes me pant out as I’m overwhelmed with a wash of sensation that rumbles up from my tones like a crashing wave. It starts as a tingle and has me cry out almost immediately, as it comes upon me out of nowhere. A full body clenching of explosion. So suddenly and so crazily responsive, clawing at his hair and shoulders as my body wracks and spasms with warm pleasure I can only identify as my first orgasm. I’ve heard enough from other girls to know that’s what this is, and I fall to pieces with the huge convulsion of fireworks that happen within me at super speed, turning me into incapable mush as I collapse on him involuntarily. I’m pretty sure making a girl cum in less than two minutes is some sort of record for any guy and whatever he just did to me only makes me want so much more. It literally blew my mind and my body is left tingling with the after-effects as it begins to slowly dissipate, leaving me completely breathless. My weight held up by his strong arms.
Arrick stays between my legs until the spasms subside, and I realize his palm is flat on my abdomen as he was holding me to the wall as my body gave out on me, keeping his mouth in motion throughout the convulsions before finally breaking free. I’m panting in the afterglow, heart racing, body sizzling and unable to stay upright. When he lets my leg down, I almost fall over him, relieved when he scoops me up in his arms and carries me to the bed.
I’m suddenly less than useless after what he did to me and completely pliable under his expert hands as I slump out deliciously. He lays me down on my back on the cool sheets before climbing on top of me carefully, positioning himself over me and between my legs. His mouth back on mine so I can taste what I assume is me in his mouth and I don’t know whether I should like it or be disgusted. It causes a weird sensation in the pit of my stomach and yet no sense of dislike or fear.
Arrick lifts me up under the thighs and slides me further up the bed so he is fully on me, pulling my knees up around his hips as he lowers on top of me to connect our bodies again, still kissing me, moving to my neck and breasts and back up again as he captures my mouth once more. The room is spinning wildly, my chest aching as the walls start to close in on me so suddenly and I grip to his shoulders and try to focus on his face.
With him on top of me, his larger body pushing against me, the darkness hiding his face from view now that we are no longer near the window and the light, I begin to feel unsure. Like some deep terror that used to happen whenever men got near me, begins to uncurl deep down, despite me begging it not to.
The anxiety that always circles around me seems to notch a gear higher as drunkenness and realization that I am about to have real sex hits me. I don’t know if I am ready for this, I haven’t had time to prepare and so many emotions about him are making my head ache with confusion. Everything is swirling around us, even though I am still kissing him back, still sliding my arms around his neck in a bid to find his face and bring it to mine in the darkness. I need to see him properly to help me relax once more.
His hand moves between my thighs and I arch to him in hopeless response to how good it feels, my brain releasing so many conflicting thoughts and feeling as he slides his fingers inside of me slowly. I experience the pleasure of his touch, how strange and yet satisfying it feels, while at the same time, the crushing weight on my chest increases and fights against my head, sending me into instant panic mode that I may have a real anxiety attack.
I try to look at him, but he ducks his head to kiss my throat, sucking, nibbling, lost in his lust-fueled haze of drunkenness and clearly only thinking of sex now that we have gotten to this point. I start to breathe in rapidly, trying to push the weight away and release the pressure in my lungs, trying to claw back some of the control back to my brain and tell myself that he wants more than this. That he won’t disregard my feelings to satisfy an urge. This isn’t just sex. This is more. This is Arry.
Arrick pulls his hand from between us, kissing me on the mouth and I manage to lock eyes for a mere second before he really slides into me, no warning, not that I expected he would give me any. And I gasp and flinch as he penetrates me, slowly and surely, the sensation is alien, nothing like my memories of burning pain, revulsion, shame and devastation and I inhale sharply at how new this feels. It feels completely different and in no way connected to the vile memories of my destruction as a child. This is good, body achingly good but yet, the weight in my chest increases and knocks the wind out of my sails, my head spinning with so many flashes and memories as Arrick fills my body with a part of him.
I close my eyes tight, breathing hard, clinging to him as he moves into me, slides in fully like I’m being filled up to my stomach and suddenly no longer able to stop this. I’m impaled, joined and no longer in control as he starts thrusting surely between my legs. It doesn’t hurt, it’s causing the same pleasure and tingles only with more intensity as his oral attentions. I just can’t stop my mind from starting to unravel.
I start to panic, realizing how unable to move from under him I am, my body his to do with as he pleases because I let him get full control of me so effortlessly. Trying so hard to focus on the fact it’s him, how good it feels, despite the chaos, that despite the heartache of the past months I should trust him. But I don’t, not anymore and it makes me feel afraid.
I lost a piece of my heart when he crushed me, and in turn he took that trust from me and left me all alone. I may be willing to let him devour my body physically, but my heart is back tracking in terror. That I don’t trust him enough to do this to me. Not anymore.
My body moving with his, in and then out slowly, finding a rhythm between us which heightens every sense and makes me pant, moaning in unison as pleasure overtakes because him making love to me does feel physically good, yet my head is starting to wildly claw me away from the feel of it and into a mental agony. His face is buried in my neck, so I can’t see him, only feel him, and I try so hard to stay tuned to how he smells, how his skin feels against mine and not fall into that pit of fear hovering beneath me. I’m losing to myself and retracting into my own dark lonely mental space. That cell where I used to hide.
The motion makes me claw at his shoulders and back, waves of pleasure pulsing to desperate levels but I can’t let go and relax, all I can hear is the heavy breathing, feel his weight on top of me, my head jumping back and forth to other dark rooms and places, and a man who held me down and made me endure this and I am suddenly suffocating. Losing the tiny grasp, I have on my reality, the alcohol making this so much worse.
I turn my head to try and block it out, try to find some inner peace, but I can’t; the goodness is dying as I lose a grip on the reality of my surroundings and instead, fear and panic are gripping my insides so that I am no longer pulling him to me but pushing instead. Arrick’s face buried in my neck, oblivious to the torment going through my skull as he pushes faster and harder into me, groaning as he does so, and I can’t take it anymore.
It feels like he has disconnected from me, that he’s inside me, but all he wants is the end goal, to fuck me and leave me here like the broken mess I was when I met him. Like he’s using me for a vile and dirty release.
I know none of that makes sense, but I can’t help it, I’m losing control of all of it and I am left open and vulnerable with another man who only wants to get inside of me, to use my body as a vessel for his perverted end. My sanity scattering on the wind as my past collides and pushes reason out the door. He is as good as holding me down this way and I let him. I stupidly let him have me, to control me in every way to do with and use as he pleases until there is nothing left.
He hurt me, he left me, and now he won’t even look at me as he uses my body like I’m a dirty whore.
“I can’t … breathe … No … No!” I gasp out in panic, fingers clawing his shoulder and pushing him up, tears finding my cheeks and losing all sense of reality as my head gets lost between memories, and I no longer know where I am. Darkness overtakes me with one lasts weep of chaotic fear and I lash out at the evil that is trying to break me. My father pressing down on me, covering my mouth to gag my tears to silence as he rapes me brutally once again."
