CHAPTER472
I’m as pathetic as her.
“What about her? Sat in your mom’s house like a good little puppy?” I bite, anger and agony colliding and that age-old feeling of guilt where Natasha is concerned, finally winding a path to my conscience. I guess it was delayed with shock at the house and now it’s sunk in that she is here, I am starting to get the inklings of shitty-ness where she is concerned again.
Sometimes I hate my own head so much.
“She came because she needs a friend, nothing else. She doesn’t matter in this. You’re all that matters to me right now … I’ll explain all of it. Let me come inside, or we can go somewhere else.” Arrick tries to turn my face to him but I pull away, so much mistrust for him and an inability to think rationally when he gets too close.
“So, talk. Right here.” I pout, pulling my arms across my chest defensively, chin up and glaring across the gardens in a bid to keep my eyes away from his. He wanders around into my eye view, coming to the front of me a little more confidently and I hesitate.
“You can yell at me for this but needs must. I’m not doing this in the street, Sophs.” Arrick steps in front of me, confusing me to what the hell he means and then shocks me by bending down and throwing me over his shoulder. I start protesting right away, wriggling and fighting him, trying to haul myself off and slapping at his shoulder and back, but he just ups and starts carrying me towards my parents” house. Steadily sure he has a right and marches me to the door in easy strides. Not stopping to knock, he opens the door and immediately starts heading for my room via the sweeping stair to our left. So used to this house that he has no fucking shame about barging in.
“Put me down you asshole. I hate you so much!! You have no right to even do this to me. Put me fucking down!” I yell at him, okay, scream more likes, catching sight of my mom walking across the hall in her bathrobe and looking our way. She seems as confused as I am, takes in the fact I am wearing last night’s dress and no shoes and then turns and walks off, like Arry hauling me around during a seething screaming match is not a big deal. I almost shout after her in a utter angry rage.
Thanks, Mom … Real fucking help.
“I’ll put you down in your room, you can go crazy at me there, but we are talking privately. Not out there.” Arrick doesn’t sound anything except normal, even with me wriggling and fighting to get put down and his stubborn stronghold, keeps me captive.
“FUCK YOU!” I scream so loudly it rasps my throat painfully, as we get up the stairs and closer to my bedroom. He doesn’t respond, carries me in, turns and shuts the door and locks it before sliding me to my feet and making a move to get out of my way fast. He literally darts sideways because he knows the explosion that’s about to erupt. Obviously expects a retaliation, and for once he isn’t as dumb as he seems.
I lash out like a hellcat who has just been released from a cage, flying for him in full fury as he dodges me, darting backwards on infuriating fast feet and keeps dancing around out of my way, a hand out on my head to keep me at a distance and dodges every swing and kick I aim at him. I would make Leila the crazy tornado proud with my hysterical violent attack as I chase after him.
“I hate you!” I scream in rage, tears dried up and fury in place, getting frustrated at him that I can’t maim him in any way. Aiming slaps, midair kick swipes and flying hands at him, getting psychotic as hell. I pull his hand off my head and storm to the nearest set of shelves. I pick up the first object, which is small a trinket of a fairy on a tree stump and throw it at his head in sheer rage. Arrick ducks, with it whizzing past his head at speed, smashing on the wall behind in an anti-climactic end and he stops to smile at me, a wicked glint in his eye and maybe a little amusement.
“I knew you were going to be mad, but Jesus, Sophie …” He ducks again as another figurine flies his way. Looking less smug as he realizes I am standing beside more than three dozen potential missiles, each getting bigger, and I intend to use every one.
This time he dashes forward grabbing me, trying to hold my arms behind my back as I aim for him with bites instead, legs moving to kick at him, lost in the rage he’s caused. Crazily explosive and looking to hurt him an ounce of what he’s done to me in the past months and not caring if I feel guilty about this later; it will be worth it. Months of pent up hell coming out in one mental turn, unleashed. Arrick blocks my legs with his knee, quick with defensive maneuvers given his training, bends down and stops me with a kiss.
Pushing his mouth to mine, kissing me with intention and cooling my jets completely as he tugs my arms across my back snugly. It’s not a passionate, tongue caressing kiss but it hits the mark and renders me mute in the blink of an eye. Calming the tidal wave of insanity and making me surrender to him on every level with minimal effort and I hate that he suckered me this way and exposed a severe Achilles heel. Finally, he pulls free and regards at me for a long moment.
“I’ll let your arms go if you promise to calm down, take a breath and hear me out.” He gazes at me imploringly, swallowing nervously and despite myself, sticking up my chin in defiance, I nod. My heart hammering from exertion, my brain trying to take control, but I am so spent; the exhaustive outburst has taken what little energy I had left in me and another bout of attack won’t be effective in any way.
“Fine.” He waits a second to see if I mean it, before releasing me and I pull my arms across my chest again as he does so. I turn away, taking on a stubborn and angry pose when really, I am scared that he’s just going to deliver another blow to my wounded soul. Arrick moves back to give me space, moving to my bed and sits down, breathing a little excessively and looking completely shattered too. He pats the space beside him, gazing my way but I only scowl at him and meet a resigned frown.
“I love you … I am in love with you. I fucked up, screwed everything up because I was scared and stupid as shit. I made the wrong choice, a lot of wrong choices concerning you because of how much I thought I would lose, and I have spent every second since regretting it, Sophie. I lost the only thing which ever mattered to me in all of it. You have to believe that. I meant all of it.” Arrick stands up again, obviously hating that I am still standing here like a statue. Anger brimming inside as he gets closer to me and I turn on him aggressively again before he can lay another hand on me.
“Why should I believe you? Where were you? Three fucking months since you asked me to leave your apartment. Where the fuck were you?” I yell at him, tears finding a fresh wave and rolling down my face. Even when I thought I had no more tears left to fall. He reaches for me impulsively, but I step back away from him and pull myself into a tight huddle, wrapping my arms around myself. He pauses and waits, realizing I am on the severe defensive and touch will only make me worse. He appraises my body language and expression, so fully focused on my eyes, with so many emotions on his face it’s weird to see. The cool and calm poker face is gone and instead, a guy who is seriously struggling to stay in control.
“I came for you. I did … I swear. Four weeks after you left, when I realized just how badly I had ruined all of our lives, Sophs, like I told you. When I couldn’t function anymore with not seeing you. I came to try and do this then.” He reaches for me again and clenches his fist, pulling it back in frustration at not being able to touch me, but I stay glaring at him coldly. My heart is torn with the many things he still has to answer for, so much my heart and head want to hear before I can even contemplate forgiving him.
Like why she is even here if she is nothing to him?
“And?” I snap, not understanding why he’s saying he came when he didn’t. I would have seen him, spoken to him, maybe even been able to forgive him if he had. I had not seen or heard from him at all, in all that time.
“I saw you with Christian, outside your apartment. I didn’t know he was gay, and to me, it looked like you had found someone else, you looked happy. I knew I didn’t have a right to fuck any of that up for you, even if I was there to try and get you back. Jake already told me that you didn’t want me near you anymore, I didn’t know how to react.” Arrick turns away and back again like he has too much energy inside of him buzzing about and needs to release it. I stay still, scowling at him, so unwilling to let him past my wall and hurt me again, afraid to take anything he is saying at face value while I know she is sat in his parents” house across the street.
“So, Natasha left you, and you came after your second choice? Yet because I wasn’t alone, you gave up so easily.” I turn my back on him and go off looking for a box of tissues, trying so hard to keep the tears at bay and failing. I am bristling with so much that I cannot even dissect how I really feel about anything he is saying.
“No. She would still be trying right now to claw back what we had if I let her. She wanted to keep trying, she wanted to fix it and go back to how we were. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay with her. You were never the second choice. You have always been the one for me, even when I couldn’t see it. I felt like I had severed half of my soul and had nothing left to be happy about … I never gave up on you, I saw you happy with him and knew you deserved that more than I deserved you. I screwed it up, I wasn’t about to fuck up your life again; I only ever wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.” His answer makes me stop, holding my breath, a strange calmness overtaking me at last and I wonder if my seriously broken wall of defensiveness has finally come into play.
“Go on.” I turn back to him and frown his way, watching as his eyes stay on me wherever I go. Impulsively wiping away my tears not that they have stopped flowing and watch him warily. Strangely surreal and empty inside.
“I couldn’t exactly make her forgive me for something I didn’t even regret, and there was no way in hell I could stay with her when you were all I wanted. I was pining for you, every second that I was around her; all I thought about was you. This constant weight in my chest has been a reminder every second that I’m nothing without you, Sophs.” Arrick swallows hard, his eyes glazing over and subtly clutching his t-shirt at his heart for dramatic effect.
“You are my biggest mistake, Sophie … Letting you go was the single stupidest thing I have ever done in my life; failing to see what you are to me. How much I need you.” Arrick bites on his bottom lip and swallows hard, curbing his own fragile emotions and sighs heavily. Watching me like a hawk as though looking away will sever any chance he has with me."
