CHAPTER534
I pushed him; I am always pushing him.
“This isn’t us…this isn’t me.” He seems shocked that he could, even if he only restrained me and I break my heart at the expression on his face. “Maybe she’s right? Maybe we are toxic for each other?” He says numbly, mildly shocked, softly to himself, more so than at me and no longer bristling with anger. He moves further back, and that part of me that tries to shield me from pain finally, claws up and rears her bitchy head.
“So, go back to her then. You’re perfect little domestic housewife. You clearly had a much easier life with her.” I spit through tears and racking breaths, rubbing my wrists to remove the burning feel of where he hurt me and hating that I’m doing this. Saying what I don’t mean, wounding, biting out at him.
“You know what? I did… So much fucking easier than this.” He glares at me, no care as to whether his words hurt me anymore, no hint of my Arry left inside. I have pushed him to the brink, and he’s looking at me like he could never love me anymore. It rips me apart inside, so that I feel a part of me die.
“Then what’s stopping you? … I clearly am not…Go! ... Fucking go!” I sob through panting breaths, as anxiety starts to cripple my lungs, but I don’t want to show him my weakness. Venom in place of angst, scowls in place of sorrow. Self-defensive; protecting myself from the pain he can and will inflict. “Why do you always choose her?” I blurt out almost in afterthought, head a train wreck and no longer able to formulate any logic. He scowls so hard his eyebrows almost adhere to his lashes.
“Sophie! I always choose YOU, I’m sick of this bullshit over her. How can you even say that to me? All I do is show you that I love you.” He growls at me, clenching fists in mid-air, snapping so suddenly that he makes me jump in fright, nervy and edgy and afraid of his unpredictability.
“Why won’t you just cut all ties then?” I sob, pleading, wanting him to give me that one thing and needing it more than ever. It’s what I need more than air, no matter how many times I try and fight it, try to reason with myself and convince myself that I’m being immature. I will never let this go.
“I’ve been trying. You know I have; I don’t know how else to do it without being a complete asshole. You can’t fucking attack people like that. You physically attacked her, Sophie.” He scrubs his face with his palms and paces in a circle before coming back to face me, keeping his distance, still looking at me like he wants to throttle me and no longer knows me.
“She deserved it!” I yell in his face, refusing to back down when she’s the subject, still hating him for lying to me, for keeping secrets. Head chaotic and gripping my hair in complete frustration. He makes me so crazy, like I can’t think straight, or breathe, or stop this aching consuming pain inside of me.
“You need help. You’re not right in the head.” He leans into me, snarling it in my face in a manner that I would never associate with him, venom in every word and I recoil as though he has slapped me in the face.
“Fuck you…fuck you…. I fucking hate you. How can you even say that to me?” I wail, a return to violent racking sobbing and he doesn’t seem to care.
“Because you’re fucking crazy.” He shrugs, so coldly, so hatefully. I just see red and fly for him, aiming a slap at that smug face that seems to spear me with a glaring scowl. He catches my hand mid hit and throws it aside, deflecting me with fast reflexes and looks at me like I am nothing to him at all. I completely break.
“I don’t ever want to see you again. I don’t need you. I never fucking needed you. I won’t care if you go back to her. I want you to go back to her…GO! FUCKING GO!!!” I turn into a blubbering mass of hysterical sobbing, pushed over the edge with one cruel sentence from him. Killing every single ounce of my heart in one fell swoop and pushing him away with the force of a tsunami.
“I’m leaving anyway. Maybe this was something we should have never started.” He shrugs coldly, devoid of every emotion. A stranger before me who turns his back on me and steps off the sidewalk onto the road without a backwards glance.
Arrick starts to walk away and I crumble, heart dissolving when faced with the reality that this is really over. Panic coursing through me, even through the fog of crushing pain and tears. He’s leaving me, for real. Not a fight or a cool down. He’s leaving me; for what I have done, what I said.
My Arry, my heart and soul, my haven; the love of my life. He’s had enough and he’s walking away from me, after all that he said he would never do. My heart stops, my anger crashes and all that is left is that desolate pain of a little girl who always needed him.
“I didn’t mean it. Arry? … I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry…I do need you.” I sob and gasp, unable to control my breathing as panic hits me hard in the chest. I follow him as he starts to move across the road, a whimpering pathetic version of myself, reaching out to him. He keeps walking steadily, without looking back at me.
“Sometimes walking away is better for everyone. Go inside… I need breathing space, we both do. I need time to think.” He sounds cold and detached, yet I still follow him, reaching out, scared that I know he means it, that this isn’t just a fight. Fingers catching his jacket as he moves towards the cab. Suddenly back to childlike and afraid, vulnerable and in pain and reaching for the one person who I need to save me. He always saved me; I need him to do it now.
“Don’t…. Don’t leave me alone.” I sob, clinging desperately to his clothes. He pushes my hand off with a backwards swipe and gets in the awaiting vehicle, closing the door and turning away so he doesn’t even look at me. He taps the driver and keeps his eyes and face turned forward, blocking me out, even when I place my palm so desperately on his window and let the tears fall faster and harder. Struggling to breathe.
The car pulls away, leaving me standing in the street sobbing and alone, watching it fade into the distance with the most all-consuming, breath winding pain, destroying what is left of my sanity. I throw my bag after the car and then sit down on the sidewalk like a hopeless mess, trying to pull myself together before the panic attack makes me fully black out."
