CHAPTER343
She swallows hard, a tiny break in her wall, a flicker of something as she watches me, but it’s only a small drop of raw emotion in an ocean full of false affection. It’s the only reaction I’ll ever see. But it’s not enough and it’s far beyond too late now.
“Goodbye.” I whisper, letting the tears fall, letting it hurt because this is what I need to do to let her go. I turn and leave and don’t look back. I don’t stop and I don’t feel regret. And she doesn’t stop me.
My heart aches and I know I’ll probably grieve for her at some point, maybe sooner than later but I need to do this for me, for my own happiness and my future with Jake. I need to do this for a child who will look to me to learn what love really is and I am doing this to make sure they’ll never know anything but real devotion, and a real mother who would die for them. A family who will shelter and protect them every step of the way.
I’m lighter, walking down the stairs to the main hall, like a part of me has sprung wings and flown away. I feel like I’ve let something go, despite the tears streaming down my face and the ache in my heart.
Claire raises her head, acknowledging my return to the foyer at the bottom of the stairs, with a confused look at my emotional demeanor.
“Hi again, Emma,” Claire blanches, concern etched on her face. There’s no reason to explain anything to her, she wouldn’t understand it anyway. I’m not the only one my mother puts false walls up against; pretending everything is okay when really it isn’t. I look at her and smile weakly.
“Pregnancy hormones” I reply with a light smile, gently grazing the top of my small bump, highlighted by the sundress I decided to wear today. Claire’s face suddenly beams with happiness.
“Oh! Congratulations Emma!!” She swivels off her chair around her desk and comes to give me a small hug; I reciprocate. She’s not my mother and having little tadpole seems to soften my heart long enough to let Claire embrace me.
“I thought there was a certain look about you!” She smiles, pulling out of the hug to look at me. “You look absolutely radiant. Motherhood obviously agrees with you already.” I can’t help but smile. She has more joy for my announcement than my own blood.
“Thank you, Claire.” She goes to sit back down but turns to face me as I head toward the door and my freedom from this place and my mother.
“We’ll see you soon then, Emma!” She calls out. I gaze back at her blankly, not daring to correct her assumption, and wave.
“Goodbye, Claire.” I smile faintly.
I push the door open with one hand and pull out my phone with a heavy sigh, slowly inhaling as I inhale fresh air.
I’m okay, I really am okay.
I text Jake, asking him where he is, letting him know I’ll come to him. I need the air and the walk. I need the time to myself to let all that happened in that room sink in. I want to walk to him smiling, to show him that I’m so much stronger than I ever have been before.
She never fought for me, she never told me she loved me, but then she never did.
I’m not the one who is broken or unlovable, she is. Yes, I am scarred, but I’m healing, and I’ve finally found my way into arms I know will always be waiting for me."
