CHAPTER618
That fucked up girl who goes to shit over being touched when her body is in emotional angst. Arrick puts his hands down with minimal reaction but I still catch that flicker of hurt flash across his face. As understanding as he is, this still wounds him.
“You didn’t do this, Sophs … Look at me.” he grabs my hand again impulsively, dismissing my reaction thoughtlessly as his brain engages once more and hauls it to him despite my resistance. Tears start to pour down my face like warm rivulets of stinging liquid despite myself and although I’m hugely unemotional, I cannot stop them. He’s always been good at breaking me so easily. “Sometimes… It just happens. Not every baby conceived is meant to make it and we were unlucky to have it happen to us. Don’t let it tear us apart, baby.” Arry pulls me off the swing into his arms and even though I am crying I go rigid in his hold. I don’t feel like being consoled by anyone. He ignores it and still cradles me against him on the grass awkwardly.
“I can’t imagine what you feel, only how I do. I don’t know how to help you in this, but I don’t want to deal with this apart. We’re stronger together, we always have been and making me leave you alone will only make this worse for both of us.” He sounds desperate, but it makes me more stubborn in this. His resistance making that part of me who knew he wouldn’t listen, rile up to defy him.
“I don’t know how to feel, Arry, therefore I don’t know how to deal with your feelings in this. You hurting and being sad is making me feel guilty; it’s a vicious circle. I can’t deal with it, and I can’t deal with how we are around each other for the time being. I think we need to take a real break from each other, no contact.”
It almost kills me as soon as it comes out of my mouth and the look on his face is like a punch in the gut. I know it’s the only way to get him to listen to me. But Is wear his expression reminds me of what slaughtering a puppy would look like.
“A break? No contact? … What are you talking about? … Do you mean a breakup?” He almost chokes on the words and I stare numbly at him, unable to think straight. I want to take it back and explain but he’s already deciphering the meaning in his own way and I babble incoherently to try and correct him.
“Time apart… However, you want to label that. Just some breathing space for both of us, you’re overreacting.” I look away from him as emotion flashes across that perfect face and his arms drop from around me.
“Fuck this shit, Sophie. I’m not leaving you here to go back to the city with no clue as to what we even are anymore… We don’t end like this. We’re not ending.” He has that stubborn tone on, and it riles me even in my heartbreak that all he hears is one point in a mass of sentences. He hears break up and nothing else. Steamrolling over the point and refusing to understand my side.
So fucking typical of him.
“You can’t force me to be with you… I need a break from us… From everything. I want some alone time, is that too much to ask?” I snap as tears dry up and venom spews forth. Caged and backed against a wall, defensive Sophie bites back.
So much for gentle and try as I might, I cannot put hellcat back in her cage. I push away from him and get up to pace around manically. Arrick looks at me as though I have lost my mind and glares in rage.
“You know what? Fuck it… You want me gone, Sophie? … I’m gone. I won’t try and hold onto someone who doesn’t want me. I’m sick to death of being your emotional punching bag in life. Nothing I do is enough anymore. I can’t say or do anything right and I’m sick of trying to appease you, for what? Absolutely fucking nothing! We’re fucking miserable and when we should be pulling together more than ever, you’re telling me you want to break up? Fuck this and fuck you. I’m done!” Arrick yells at me, making me flinch at his raw venom, jumping to his feet and caging around in fighter mode, body bristling. Anger seething from every pore.
I finally made him snap.
I can’t feel anything except rage at him for turning this into another god damn fight, when I was really trying so hard to do this the way Emma said I should. I knew he would react like this; I was right. He’s so pig headed sometimes and blinkered. Nothing I say will change what his head is saying I mean. He’s sensitive and irrational when he gets like this and we need cooling off time. He turns on his heel to walk away and my armor shatters. Like it always does when I truly feel my lifeline leaving me.
“I didn’t say I don’t want you… You’re making more of this than it is. I just need a little alone time to get my shit together and my mind back on track.” It comes out so broken and so vulnerable. My voice shaking as pain rips through my chest. Arrick spins on me accusingly, he looks how I feel, a flash of emotion runs across his face before it’s shuttered off once more. Hiding himself from me and it hurts.
“I used to be all you needed to get through anything. This right here, it tells me that we are in so much trouble and I don’t think you want to fix it. I’m tired of jumping through hoops for you, sick of being pushed out in the cold. I’ll go back to the city… You know where I’ll be if you want me. If I don’t hear from you, then I’ll pack up what’s yours and send it wherever you want to be.” His eyes are misty, his face blank but I know him well enough to know this is killing him too. He’s shutting me out, closing down and I try not to let it show. I lift my chin higher and swallow down the devastation chaotically crashing around inside of me.
“Stop it.” I plead, but he’s wrapped up in his own brain and doing what he always does, not listening.
“Stop what? Reacting to you telling me to go away?” he throws his palms up, blinkered and furious.
“Arrick? You’re overreacting and being dramatic!” This is pointless, I don’t know what else to say that won’t keep this going around in circles. He’s pacing around angrily, head in stubborn mode and all normal understanding sensible Arry has floated away on the wind. I know it’s because he’s hurting too but I’m so overwhelmed with this version of him.
I don’t want a breakup, but maybe it’s better this way. If he thinks we’re done, he’ll give me space to think without pressure and then I can go back and fix things with him when I’m ready. I can turn it around in a few days, go home and talk to him when he has calmed down. I know him, this won’t be how he thinks for long, he needs breathing space to be rational and look at the bigger picture for what this really is. He will realize we both needed time out and we will be fine. We’re always fine.
I open my mouth to say something and hesitate, keeping quiet because I don’t know what else to do. His eyes scan my face for a moment before his brow dips in a furious frown.
“Whatever.” He throws a moody shrug and turns on his heel. That air of ‘I’m out’ that Arry is good at when we fight.
I watch him walk off, holding myself together and breaking inside. Aching to cry but I don’t. I add it to the eternal black hole inside of me and push it down amid all the pain. Letting him go, feeling heavier than ever but knowing this is what I need for a couple of days. Back on home soil, surrounded by familiar. I need to get my bearings once more."
