CHAPTER276
I yawn, stretching out like a satisfied cat in the silky comfortable bed, my mind taking moments to come to terms with where I am. Fully rested for the first time in days and for a second, I forgot everything.
Jake is close by, his arms around my waist, his legs across mine but he’s sound asleep. I take a minute to evaluate how I feel about waking up this way. I slowly pull myself free from his embrace and sit up in the bed, pulling my knees to my chest and sighing.
Confusion still present? Check. Emotions all over the place? Check. Still not further forward in how I feel about him. Check. Just friggin dandy!
It’s late in the day; past eleven am. I don’t remember the last time I slept this much so I sit and watch him sleep a little longer. The longing to reach out and touch him is overwhelming me, so I slide out of bed and go to the shower, locking the door for the first time ever. I’m not ready for anything to happen between us and need some time alone to stand under the massaging jets of water and think of nothing. I don’t regret being here or sharing a bed with him, my heart needs it and I meant it when I said I wanted to come home. This is where I belong, and Sarah is right; the only way I can begin to forgive him is by being here, surrounded by him and taking everything a day at a time. I don’t know when things will feel better for me, but I love him, and I can’t bear for it to be the end. I need him.
Does this mean a part of me has made up my mind to give him a chance?
I stop for a moment to blink through this thought. I guess a part of me knew from drunk dialing him that I wasn’t ready to end things. I wasn’t ready to live a Jake-less life, but it doesn’t mean I can’t walk away. I need to see how this goes; see if I can move on and really get back to what we had.
If I can’t then I’ll go.
When I wander through to the bedroom draped in a warm fluffy robe, the bed is empty, and the covers strewn messily, but the smell of coffee and food is wafting through the walls. I pull my robe tighter and rub my hair with the towel, then leave it down to air dry; it’s at its waviest when damp.
The internal war inside of me seems to be giving me a break for now; it’s like she’s holding her breath, just waiting to see how things develop. For once I’m glad of the lack of constant emotional torture, and this new relative peace sweeping through me. I guess a decent night’s sleep with no night terrors has helped immensely.
I wander through to find Jake sitting at the breakfast bar drinking coffee in T-shirt and sweatpants. He looks better, less tired and ruffled, and has damp hair too. He smells divine. He’s trimmed his stubble and sorted his hair. He looks like normal Jake, not the slightly tired and rumpled version of yesterday. Something I wasn’t aware I was aching to see until now.
He smiles at me when I approach, wide and happy, uncovering a plate of croissants, bacon, and pancakes for me; my breakfast of choice from one of my favorite local deli. I slide onto a stool beside him and watch as he pours me an orange juice before sliding it in front of me with a peck on the cheek. I pause at the affectionate touch; waiting for the pain or the image of her but nothing comes. Just the warmth of his skin on mine. He seems to sense my hesitation but just goes back to his coffee without a word. I’ve no clue about how we’re meant to do this, touching or not, cuddling or not. I’ve no idea if I want it or not.
I’m ravenous, despite having zero appetite the last few days, and dig in in silence. I didn’t eat at all yesterday, we’d slept the day and night away. Catching up on rest from days of emotional angst and emotional insomnia; food has been the last thing on my mind.
I’m aware of Jake’s eyes on me a few times but concentrate on eating without looking his way. My head is calmer today and I’m more positive, but there’s still a can of worms waiting to be opened; not sure I even want to try to prize it open yet.
“What do you want to do today? Stay here and talk? Or go somewhere else and talk?” Jake’s voice cuts into the quietness of my brain. He drops his fork and lifts his coffee mug, his eyes on my profile watching me eat.
“Maybe we could go for a drive?” I say shyly. “I don’t really think there’s much left to say, to talk about I mean … We can only see how it goes.” I swallow hard. I’ve no idea why this makes me nervous; talking has never been my strong point but indecision is not something I’ve ever dealt with. It’s knocking me off kilter, so I focus, a little more intently, on eating my food.
“I told you, Emma, whatever you want. If it’s to talk or not, if it’s to take you places and distract you or even if it’s to sit in silence. Whatever you need, I just need you to tell me.” His fingers come to brush my free hand and I watch, mesmerized, as he trails the tips over my knuckles laid on the countertop. So softly, it’s barely a tickle, but it feels natural and right; my own body betraying me once again.
Pathetic, Emma.
“Right now, I don’t want to think anymore, Jake. I just want to relax and not feel anything for a little while. Pretend that everything is normal.” I sigh heavily, pushing away PA Emma’s voice in my head.
“Don’t hide inside your own head, bambino. I know your impulse is to block it out and push it away with all the other things that hurt you … But please not this. We have to deal with this properly, neonata, so it never comes back to hurt us again.” He turns in his seat pulling my stool between his open knees, so I’m nestled close to him. It seems letting him wrap himself around me all night has given him permission to proceed with his touchy old Carrero self. I know I should be setting limits, making him keep his distance but I don’t. My body is yearning for his soothing touch; a relaxing balm for me today. I went days without it, and it was agony, now my body is making up for its loss.
“I know.” I can’t help glancing at him, his knuckles coming to graze my cheek gently, the fluttering inside of me at his touch even now. I pull my face away and bite my lip as his hand drops between us, even after what he’s done, I’m responding and feel angry at myself.
“Where do you want to drive to?” His voice is softer, with being so close and his gaze is intent on my mouth. I can tell how much he wants to kiss me, and it only makes the fear inside me lift higher. That kiss invites her into my head, all the pain of what he did and I’m not ready to deal with that right now. I turn away, so I’m not tempted and push my empty plate aside. I look out across the open-plan room and sigh knowing that he’s reading every signal I’m giving off with apprehension, probably overanalyzing every one. Being so near him has my head in chaos about what I want from him, blurring the lines of how much touching I can bear to allow.
“I don’t know … just anywhere, somewhere pretty. Somewhere that’s not here.” I shrug. I don’t know why I want him to drive me anywhere, maybe the motion of the car, and Jake being the one in control somehow makes it feel better. It means I can take a time out from life while he focuses on the road and maybe we can just listen to music and not talk.
I don’t want to talk. I’m scared that if I start talking
about everything, about her and the baby, if she still
means anything to him and our life, then it will all come crashing painfully in on me like a fragile tower of cards. Today I want quiet and calm and to be with him. The past few days have taken a toll and this little respite is like a breath of warm air in the frost. I want a time out and nowhere in the rules of whatever this is does it say that I can’t have that.
“Okay … Your wish is my command beautiful. Do you need me to take you to Queens for clothes first?” His fake jovial tone makes me falter and I hate that it’s not genuine; that we’re hurting each other this way. I inhale, heavily, trying to get at least one breath that doesn’t come laced with pain.
“Later. I’ll just keep on the clothes you brought me yesterday seeing as all I’ve done is sleep.” I can’t explain the weird way I feel, but all I want right now is to get out, go somewhere where no one knows us, where I don’t need to explain anything to anyone. Sarah would ask questions, but I need reflection and silence and maybe him.
Okay, definitely him."
