CHAPTER153
Marcus glares at Sarah as he leaves the apartment, his bag over his shoulder as he heads out. She throws him a haughty look and turns back to me on the couch; they have been arguing over something pointless, and now he is going to work. Apparently, this is normal for them.
We’re huddled together under a warm quilt, drinking hot chocolate; my emotions are calm finally. I haven’t been able to tell her everything, there is too much to tell, too much to explain, and I am still unable to just open up, even to her.
Baby steps.
She knows the basics of the story, how things built up to the last few days in the hotel room and having sex with Jake, then the appearance of Marissa and the final breaking of my heart on that horrible flight home.
“What was it like?” she asks. There’s nothing in her face except curiosity maybe, trying to understand me, understand what I’m feeling. “Sex with him, I mean.”
“Amazing. Terrifying. Heartbreaking,” I answer honestly, because that’s what having sex with him was like, to fall so deeply under his spell, even though I knew it would go nowhere, the realization that I can never wipe it away and that it will haunt me for an eternity. No one will ever compare in any way. Jake – the ruiner of women.
“I can’t get over the change in you, Ems,” Sarah points out, her eyes wide with awe, and she squeezes my hand across my lap. “I feel like I have my old Emma back, but somehow, she’s different too. There has never really been this version of you. Despite the heartbreak, you seem somehow, better.”
“New version?” I quiz, confused, smiling a little.
“Teenage Emma, only less aggressive.” She shrugs. “And yet so very changed, emotional, open and honest, even warm,” she giggles with an apologetic expression.
“You make me sound like I was awful to be friends with,” I chide softly, guilt coursing through me again. I lower my lashes, ashamed that I’ve been this way toward her for so long. And so blind to it.
“You have your charms, Ems. You’ve no idea the allure you have, even when you’re acting the ice maiden.” She smiles. “There’s always a hint of something more in you, like it’s just out of reach. I can see why Jake would pursue it, that elusive prize, always dangling out there, that door sitting ajar, waiting to be opened.” She grins at me, my face flushing with her version of how she sees me. It seems so disconnected with who I am, who I think I am. My mind reels.
Is she right? Does Jake see something worth chasing, worth holding on for, and trying to figure out?
“My messed-up brain,” I grimace sadly, and she smiles back at me gently, her eyes softening with understanding.
“Have you ever just come out and told him how you feel? He may surprise you,” she coaxes, placing a hand over mine once again.
Why have I never done this? With Sarah I mean. This female bonding, sharing our problems, being real and letting someone else figure out my heartbreak with me. That shoulder to lean on.
Because I’m incapable of showing people that I’m capable of being hurt, defensively protecting myself, always hiding. Jake has stripped me of my armor, slowly and surely.
“It’s too hard,” I admit sadly. “I’m scared all the time, Sarah. Scared of what he’ll say, scared of what he’s thinking, and feeling. He’s complicated. He sleeps around; he has women at every city we go to, always at arm’s length. He doesn’t do love, and I couldn’t bear his rejection.” The words slice me open; I can’t think about these women he has sex with. The pain is too acute. She’s watching me carefully, sipping her cocoa and thinking.
“You think he wants to be with that girl though? Marissa?”
“I don’t know; they have history. He seemed angry at her, but then he still brought her home with us and left the airport with her.” The tears burn my eyes and I push them down. I shift to cross my legs under the throw and cradle my mug closer in a bid to regain my equilibrium, feeling like the warmth is soothing me somehow. I can’t analyze what is there between them; it’s too painful.
“How did he take the news about the baby?” she pushes gently, but I just shake my head and shrug. I really am bewildered about all of that; I’ve barely let my brain process that whole mess.
“He didn’t seem happy. He closed up; Jake isn’t ready for that kind of commitment. He can’t even commit to a girl, let alone a baby,” I sigh sadly.
Isn’t that where all my self-doubt comes from?
No, my self-doubt has always existed, always gnawing at me and reminding me how worthless I am in the grand scheme of things. Having a father reject you and a mother who eternally puts her own needs above yours will do that to a person. I’m a broken mess.
I push it down hard. Sarah sighs heavily, mirroring how I feel; there isn’t anything much to say on this subject. We’ve dissected it all endlessly through three mugs of cocoa."
