CHAPTER466
It’s not him, it’s not who I have always relied on him being. My strong, emotionally calm rock. I hate that I have made him cry, hate seeing tears running down that flawless face. I don’t want to see him cry.
“Stop it.” I plead, trying to turn away from him, pushing his hands down as he keeps returning to hold me again. He’s not giving up, clinging to me, and making it clear he won’t back down or walk away. He has that stubborn Carrero air about him and it’s only tearing down my defenses. Reminding me of the boy who dragged me out of myself so many years ago, when everyone else had given up trying to breakthrough.
“Tell me that you no longer feel anything for me, and I’ll walk away, Sophs. I’ll leave you alone knowing that you no longer see me that way. That I really did lose you.” He urges me, heart on his sleeve and voice raw and I want to tell him I don’t give a shit anymore, that I don’t love him, but I can’t.
I don’t want to say words that aren’t true, no matter how much he deserves them, no matter how much a part of me thinks it’s what he deserves to hear. I want to hate him, hurt him, wound him for every second of pain I have endured at his carelessness with my heart. I just can’t, because I’m not that way and despite all he’s done to me, I do still love him. I never stopped needing or missing him, despite all of it.
I shake my head at him involuntarily, almost as though answering even when I am trying so hard to tell him to leave me alone.
“Why are you doing this?” I plead brokenly, willing him to stop torturing me and release me so I can go back home.
“Because I need to know, I need to hear you say you don’t love me anymore, in any way. I can’t risk missing even the tiniest hint of hope that I can get you back.” His moisture-filled, almost green, eyes penetrate mine with so much fear that it almost kills me.
“You’re an asshole. You don’t deserve my love.” Are the only things I can say as the gulf of tears open up again and I end up sobbing in front of him, crumbling inside at where we are and how we got here. So much pain I have been bottling up for months that I refused to let out for fear it would never stop, and it chooses now to come tumbling out. I close my eyes and cover my face with my palms. He comes around me as he pulls me into an embrace, his arms tightening around my waist and shoulders, his face finding its way to bury into my neck. He almost squeezes the life out of me with a hug so strong I almost can’t breathe.
“You’re right. I am an asshole, Sophie, and so much more. I am so fucking sorry for what I did to you, to us. There are no words to tell you just how sorry I am. How much I regret every second of this. I love you, that’s all I have, and I mean it. One hundred percent, hand on my heart, I will swear on the lives of everyone I care about, that I love you, Sophie Huntsberger, in the way you once told me you loved me.” Arrick grips me tighter when I try to push him away, crying hard, unable to stop it and unable to fight the arms on me. He isn’t letting me go, no matter how hard I push, and it exhausts me to try. The wetness from his face against my neck, and the way he’s breathing shallowly proves to me he is as emotional as I am. Crying against each other for the pain caused by each other. It’s ridiculous in a really sad way.
Why did you have to tell me you loved me now? Why not months ago before you ruined me?
“Don’t do this to me.” I plead softly, unable to reign in my weeping, breaking apart in his arms, unable to control the fight of fire and sorrow and losing my war. Arrick lifts his face to mine, pressing his forehead to me, pulling me so I can’t look anywhere but at him, through a haze of blurry tears. Every ounce of my battle armor sliding away, weakening and leaving me exposed.
“I need you … I want you back. I’m a mess without you. I love you so much that I literally can’t breathe anymore, and I want to be worthy of your heart again. I won’t stop trying to put the pieces back together if you let me in. Let me come home to you.” He’s equally fragile, begging me, and I really do not know how to react. I’m torn to a million pieces, fighting an internal tug of war of fear, hurt and confusion.
“You hurt me! You broke me, and then you left me alone.” Is the only thing I can whisper, accusingly, crying not subsiding as his thumb comes to brush my face and I impulsively push it away. He doesn’t break his hold, just brings his hand back and tries again, patiently. This time I don’t bite back and let him wipe some of the wetness away, closing my eyes at his familiar touch and hating that it still feels so right on my skin.
“I know, baby. I despise myself for every part of that and what I did. I’ll never hurt you again, I’ll never leave you alone again, I swear. Just give me a chance please, let me fix this. Let me try, Sophs. I’ll do anything. I love you. I really, really, love you. An all-consuming lost to everything but you, kind of way, which I will never recover from and I don’t want to recover from it.” He pleads softly but I keep my eyes closed to block him out, try so hard to reign in control of everything letting loose. Unable to think straight when he is all around me, consuming me and I don’t have anything left inside of me. Emptiness, excruciating cramps coursing through my stomach and churning me up inside.
“I hate you.” I sob brokenly with no real conviction, as though I’m saying it to him after a stupid squabble or idiot thing he’s done in the past. The way it comes out sounds so juvenile and Sophie of old.
“I know you do.” He whispers softly, tilting my face to him with little resistance and leans his forehead against mine, testing to see if I’m going to push him away again, but I know I’m weakening. He’s always been the only one who got through my pain and helped me get past it, even though he’s the cause now and I want him to make it all stop. I want him to pull me from the dark and find the light once more; just wipe away the agony like he has done so many times in the past.
His mouth finds mine softly, cautiously; his lips warm and soft as they meet tear-drenched skin. His nose coming to nestle beside mine as he presses us together, my body held tight in his embrace, and this time I do not react with rage. I let him kiss me, softly, slowly, finding my mouth and lips opening to him despite every voice in my head telling me to push him away.
I am so confused as to what I want. He feels like my dreams, his kiss holding the possibility to push away so much pain and I want to stop hurting. I’m lightheaded from the amount of emotional turmoil racking my body and still swaying from being too drunk, and nothing in this seems like a bad idea anymore so I let myself go.
His hand finds its way to my throat, cupping gently, fingers sliding into my hair as he maneuvers his body around me, his height lower as he tries to get every single part of him in contact with my body. Holding me against his mouth so the kiss neither stops nor progresses. It’s like he is breathing every part of me in, holding me here to imprint me to memory and I give in completely.
So lost to how it feels to be back in his safe embrace, every familiar thing about him surrounding me and begging me to give him a chance. I have always been defenseless when it comes to him and yielding is like breathing when he is the one asking for it.
I melt into him, my mind a whirring mass of confusion and fear and my own will telling me to push him away, but I can’t. Arrick is my weakness, he has been since the day I met him and all fight and anger dissipates as his hands slide around my face, cradling me in and teasing my lips open with his own. I surrender to the soft warm sensation of the most perfect kiss I could ever imagine, my own hands sliding around his neck as something inside of me ignites and I kiss him back surely.
Arrick seems to take my submission as a sign to let go, pushing my mouth open and caressing my tongue with his; the fire between us spiking and moving into an almost immediate fever from nowhere. Fueled by everything we have brought to the surface and months of separated loneliness and heartbreak. We both cling to one another, kissing passionately, moving into something more satisfying than mouths moving in unison.
The arms around my waist tighten as he pulls me up against him and off my feet, as my arms and hands wrap around that strong neck and wide shoulders, tangling my fingers in his shirt collar and trailing nails up the short-cropped hair at the back of his neck. I lift my heels behind me in mid-air. Losing myself in him this way is the only thing I want to focus on, a break from my exhaustive and whirring emotions. Consumed by a hunger that obliterates everything else and I don’t want it to stop."
