CHAPTER626
I watch her for a long moment, the weight of my burden bearing down heavily, and I can’t do it with her. She has been so much to me, so crucial to my life in so many ways and I don’t want to keep hiding about any of this. He is her son; he wouldn’t want me to lie to her.
“I lost our baby.” It comes out softly, heartfelt yet calm and even though the words are painful. I don’t fall apart or cry. I accept that it is what it is and it’s okay to not be okay. My body pulses with the effort to remain so but it feels better to tell someone properly. She sits in stunned silence and stares at me for a moment. Saying nothing, doing nothing as I turn to her and cover our connected fingers with my other hand.
“Arrick is broken hearted, and I stupidly pushed him away when he needed me the most. He’s not here because I asked him for space.” I say it as though it’s so very clear for the first time and feel like an absolute failure in every way.
“Sophie, Bambina” She gets up from her chair and leans over me, squeezing me in an awkward hug from her angle and despite myself, fighting every ounce of the emotion building up, I start to cry. Like a release of pressure in a really needed way. I’ve been all over the place with my emotions lately and I give up trying to remain in control when I clearly have no skills at it anymore. I break down, not overly so, just a lot of tears and blubbering as I sit there looking broken.
“I sent him home, selfish as ever, so I could be alone with my childish brain to figure out how to feel about all of it.”
The same brain that has done nothing but pine for him ever since and I keep ignoring it because I am stupid and stubborn and don’t want to admit that I am wrong. I cannot self-heal while being in the Hamptons, I cannot get through this and then go back to the city and fix us. Arry is the only one who ever knew how to help me heal myself.
“I think it’s a bit harsh to say you are selfish. In pain we tend to only focus on ourselves and forget that maybe others might need us too.” Sylvana isn’t reacting like I expected. She’s soothing me, holding my hand as she returns to her seat and brushes away my free-flowing tears with gentle strokes. I can see where her sons learned to be an emotional support to their loved ones. I am seeing it at the source. That gentle caring nature that takes away all blame.
“Arrick wanted it… I think he was happy it happened. I was so wrapped up in what I was losing and how it affected my dreams and plans. I have been a living nightmare for him and then as quickly as we knew it existed, it was gone.”
And my reason to feel anything but empty went with it.
“You never had time to let it sink in… It’s terrifying as a woman to find yourself pregnant when it’s not planned. Especially when you’ve had the past you had, my darling child. You had a plan and goals and aspirations, and you were at the beginning of that journey. You’re young and naïve and not gotten to the point where you realize babies do not mean an end to that. I don’t blame you for acting in fear and pushing him away. That’s what you do when you’re scared. We all know that about you.” My tears become silent, yet keep falling, soaking my face and dripping onto the bodice of my jersey dress and I let it all out. It needed to come out and no better person than her to trust with this. I think I needed to cry and have someone impartial listen to me.
Well, as impartial as Sylvana can be.
“Arrick never gave me a chance to let it sink in… He swept in and started taking care, taking control and he wouldn’t listen to me or give me time. In two weeks, it felt like I wanted to run screaming.” I admit it and yet it seems pathetic in hindsight. Little Diva who was tantrumming and making her boyfriend’s life a living hell. I was a brat of epic proportions and that sobering thought is like sticking a knife in my own gut.
“Smothered you with his need to love you… To take care of you.” Sylvana nods knowingly and smiles gently. She knows her sons well and that look of gentle adoration only makes me feel worse about how I have been towards him.
“It’s my fault, I let him do it all the time. I let him indulge me and take care of everything. I don’t do things for myself when I know he can do it for me… So, he did what I always expect of him and then I hated him for it when I lost control of everything that he couldn’t fix. I let him do so much more than he should do and then I act like an ungrateful brat when he’s jumping through hoops to please me.”
When did I lose sight of how grateful I should be for having him?
“Relationships are a two-way thing, Sophie; growing together, compromising, and finding your place with each other is not a quick thing. It takes years to find that balance between you and a role that you’re both comfortable with. Arrick carries guilt from a rocky beginning, he told me so many times. I think he overcompensates to try and show you how much you mean to him and he tends to be a little overbearing with that care.”
“And then I repay it by acting like a spoiled baby and pushing him away when he needs me to take care of him.” I sigh with regret, seeing my part in where things started to fall apart, long before the pregnancy. I kept putting all the pressure and frustration I felt on him, ignoring how much he was putting himself through to even come home to me and keep trying to take care of me. He proposed to me to prove how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. He flew home, dropping everything when I told him about the miscarriage, and I know his father and he still are not talking to one another over his resignation. His relationship is a mess because he chose me over Carrero Corp.
That thought is sobering on so many levels.
Arrick should leave me and find someone who appreciates all he does.
“It sounds like you two have a lot of talking to do.” Sylvana dabs my tears and it’s then I realize she dabs her own face too. I wasn’t aware she had even begun to cry, and I’m more ashamed of all that has come before.
“He’s in pain and I don’t know how to fix him. Instead I wanted to ignore it, so I didn’t have to deal with it.”
What kind of woman does that to the man she loves?
“You need to fix each other, together, by talking about this even if it’s something painful. Holding each other up equally. You want to be his wife, then you need to find your place and your voice within your relationship. It’s okay for him to take the lead sometimes, but he needs to learn that you are capable of doing it too and you need to take on some independence and show him you can. You need to be his rock as he is yours.”
Stop letting it be a one-way thing. Arry gives and I take. That’s our problem. I got so used to being his Princess and not having to ever repay what he does for me. When I was faced with having to do so, I bailed.
“I told him I didn’t think we should get married.” I’m ashamed of how much that must have hurt him, especially after proposing me to me after two years of waiting to do it. Proposing to me to fix us, to make me feel secure. And I made him doubt I even want to.
Good going."
