CHAPTER473
Suffocation hits me hard again, tears prickling my eyes as my heart constricts, and I lose that relieving sense of nothing that was all too fleeting. I can’t look at him, turning away as more make their way down my face and curse this stupidity. I know I am still drunk, and half of this reaction is because of that, and my emotional exhaustion. Trying so hard to stay strong, but he is saying everything I ever wanted to hear, breaking me apart in so many ways that I can” stay strong. I turn back to stare back at him, unable to say anything while my heads this much of a wreck. Arrick sees my silence as a reason to keep talking, closing the gap a little between us.
“I don’t deserve you … but I am going to fight for you in every way I can; do anything to be the guy who deserves you again.” I turn from him when I can’t control my tears anymore, not wanting him to see how badly this is ripping me apart as he gets closer, afraid to let him in. He comes up behind me, unable to stop my sadness even when I feel his hands on my shoulders and my traitorous body sags back against him.
“She’s only here because she needs a friend. After I broke up with her, her dad was diagnosed with cancer … he’s dying, Sophie, and she’s a mess, I couldn’t just cut her off. I’m not that guy, I never have been, and I can’t be cruel to someone who never deserved any of this. She knows we’re over; she knows it’s because I’m in love with you. She knows that we’re not getting back together, even if I never get you back. I asked her to come here and see my family this weekend, to get her away from the city and her problems. I never thought anything would happen with you and waking up to the realization she was arriving while we were together, in bed … I didn’t know how the hell to handle it. That’s what the “fuck” was all about, not that you were beside me, that was pretty much the happiest moment in my life.” Arrick sounds tired, hell I’m tired. I don’t know what to think or feel and I just can’t seem to get a handle on my feelings or this dumb crying. He turns me to him and cups my shoulders gently, bringing my face to his so we’re mere millimeters apart and looking equally lost in this moment. Two people so afraid of each another, him in case I reject him, and me in case letting him in again kills me.
“I don’t know what to say.” I finally sniff, sighing as he slides them down my arms slowly, sending a million goosebumps in their wake and sighs at me with unconcealed adoration, now I am both calm again and no longer staring at him with unconcealed hatred.
“That you want to try with me. Just give me a chance. That’s all I am asking for. A chance to be with you … It’s what I want more than anything in the world.” Arrick’s eyes come to mine, so uncertain and for the first time I see real fear in him. Something I never thought I would see in him, ever. That I could hold the power to wounding him the way he wounded me and for a moment I am not sure I want that responsibility while my head is still so messy.
His phone rings in his back pocket breaking the moment between us, he pulls it out, frowns at the screen and slides it back with a heavy sigh that signals “please, not right now”, but before it goes I catch sight of her name on the screen. Guilt and decency hitting me in the gut and knowing I should be the better person for once. I may be sobbing in his arms about what he’s done, but she’s sat alone in his family’s home, breaking her heart over more than him. I hate that despite my fury in life, I am this soft sometimes.
“Answer it. You can’t leave her sitting over there indefinitely.” I move away from him to give him room, but he only follows me when I make my way to the bathroom door.
“You matter more. I’m not leaving you … not when I’ve only just got you back with me.” His eyes rest on mine, a look of complete honesty, his hand coming to stroke my cheek with his fingertips, and he seems to devour every single inch of me with his eyes. I swallow down the uncertainty and cup his hand in mine reassuringly, pulling it away gently with a need to have some headspace. I need a little alone time to let all this filter in.
“Answer the phone, at least tell her you will come over soon, or something.” I glance away from him, hating that she’s there, but hating knowing she is probably alone with her pain. Knowing why he is here with me if she knows how he feels. That can of weird worms concerning her and how I feel about her, rising once again to confuse the shit out of my brain.
Arrick hesitates, looks at me for some sort of reassurance that it’s really okay, and kisses me on the forehead lightly. An old affection that knocks me off-kilter, another sweep of threatening tears which only reinforces the fact I need space from him to think. He ponders me a little nervously, then answers the phone when it starts to ring again, all the while staring right at me with apprehension.
“Hey… Yeah, I am.” He frowns at me, then turns and walks off towards my window and looks outside, obviously feeling hugely uncomfortable now he has answered it in front of me and giving us both space. “I’m sorry, Tash. I never thought this would happen, you know I haven’t seen her.” He sounds agitated, yet remorseful; that cool tone coming through now and I watch him for a second, letting all my feelings bubble together for a moment. Part of me grateful that he isn’t hiding the call or what he’s saying from me. He could have left my room for privacy but chose this. There’s a long pause as he sighs again. “That will probably be for the best … I’m sorry it happened this way … Don’t ask me that, I won’t tell you either way … Yes, I’m still with her now.” He leans against the window, sighing so he casts breath down the glass then draws in the cloudy space while listening. I smile softly, stupidly, when he writes an “S” absentmindedly and draws a heart around it like some love-struck teen and then lets it fade away, oblivious to the fact I can see him doing it. It warms my insides a little because I know he isn’t trying to be cheesy, it was impulsive while he was distracted, and for a moment I believe that he means everything he keeps saying. Maybe, they are more than fast words to win me around.
I watch and listen, my head all over the place concerning him and I realize I am still standing in my crushed dress, last night’s makeup and have probably looked a lot better. I need some space from him like I intended, some time to get my emotions in check, to let all of this sink in for a few minutes and just be still.
I walk off towards my bathroom and catch him looking my way with a half-smile on his face and a warm look that translates so much. He looks like a guy who’s found his long lost something and can’t believe his luck. It makes me feel heavy inside, so much laying on my head. I turn and point towards the shower and get a nod in return, needing the space to get my head together, needing to leave him to do whatever it is he is going to do while I figure out if I can really let him back in."
