CHAPTER605
Arrick comes back and kisses me softly on the mouth.
“You’re working through it… I gave you all day to sulk, now I’m taking over. We are having a shower, then a real dinner. Then when Janetta is done changing the bed sheets, we are going to bed to watch a movie and sleep… Together. Like any normal night and I don’t want to hear any refusals. Maybe sex if you’re up to it.”
“Sex is what did this.”
“Yeah and it’s done now, so, it’s not like it’s going to make it any worse, and sex always makes both of us feel a hell of a lot better.” He starts pulling my clothes off over my head and brushes my hair back to lean in for another chaste kiss.
“I don’t want sex. I want to wallow and hate you for a little while longer.”
“If that’s what you need.”
Arrick finishes undressing me, pulling me close so I can hold onto him when he lifts one foot at a time to strip me, obediently. I let him, no desire to fight it or do anything except let him take the lead. He stands back and throws his own clothes off in seconds before taking me by the hand and leading me into our walk-in shower.
As soon as I am under the water with him, he turns me away, so he can start washing my hair and I numbly sag into him a little. Too consumed with fatigue and god knows what to even function. I just want to stop thinking.
“We should schedule a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible.” Arrick carries on as this is a normal conversation on any normal day and I spin my head to glare at him.
“How about let me fucking breathe for ten god damn minutes before you start planning out my life, thank you very much!” I shove him hard with a closed fist in his upper shoulder aggressively. A little ‘back the hell off while Sophie deals with this’ maneuver and he holds his ground and stays impassive. I turn away again and he goes back to continuing to wash my hair. He exhales heavily behind me and starts rubbing the washcloth over my shoulder, despite my hostility.
“This is going to be a long nine months.” He mutters under his breath and I resist the urge to stamp on his foot.
“You chose me… Suck it up, Princess.” I huff and cross my arms defiantly across my bust as fingers creep around my waist and he pulls me back against him gently, so we can both get the full stream of water from overhead. He starts to rinse the suds from my hair. I stay rigid, not willing to relent in any way to his gentleness, sulking and simmering about this.
“Maybe we will stick to just one kid, right? I’ll get a vasectomy after this and we can live happily ever after.” I know he’s joking, but his tone is not exactly happy and fun loving, and it makes me burst into instant wounded tears.
“You hate me already.”
Yeah, I know it’s lame as I tell him almost daily that I hate him, but he knows I don’t mean it and it’s my way of letting out my fear or pain. Shielding everything weak and vulnerable with a hard-outer shell. Arrick never really makes many jokes about us in a sarcastic way and I am stupidly sensitive.
“Hey” Arrick wraps his arms around me and holds me tight, kissing me on the side of my hair.
“I’m sorry, baby, it was a joke. I didn’t mean it. I don’t hate you… I could never hate you. I love you and this is just early days and teething issues. You’re fragile and emotional and I get that. Come on, baby, stop.” He turns me to face him and the water ends up running down my face and wiping away the tears.
“Make it better. Make it go away.” I beg him and sigh into a sag when he pulls me against him tightly.
“I’m trying… You have to let me. Put a little faith in me that we really are going to be fine. I won’t let this ruin your dreams, or your goals… They’re as important to me as they are to you, and you have to trust that I can get us through this. Sophie Carrero, fashion designer extraordinaire is still a real happening thing, baby.” He strokes my hair and cradles me gently, swaying me a little from side to side. He has no idea how much I need him to make this all okay. I can’t do this alone and I cannot get my head around any of it. I’m emotionally exhausted and this feels like a nightmare. I have to trust him, that we can do this, that we can get through it.
We have to.
“Don’t leave me when I get crazy and fat.” I sniff some more and can’t help the little vision of busty brunette from his office looking all slinky and demure in my future visual of me looking like a beached whale next to her. Being stupidly insecure and jealous and letting my dumb niggles get the better of me.
“I will never leave you… If anything, you just made sure I have a double investment of emotions, to cling on even harder. Besides, you were always crazy anyway and I still fell in love with you.” He kisses me on top of my head again and despite his words and the humor in them it doesn’t warm the cold emptiness inside of me
I want to be warming to this as much as he seems to be, but I can’t.
I don’t want a baby.
As much as I tell myself that it’s too late, it’s here inside of me. It’s real. It’s happening. I cannot feel anything but a huge pit of regret and despair and the oncoming mass panic attack that forever threatens to consume me."
