CHAPTER62
Emma who doesn’t cry … forgotten. Emma who never lets anyone see her vulnerable … vacant. Strong Emma … dissipated.
“Jefferson is downstairs,” he croons. “The jet will be ready by the time we get there.” He lifts my chin up to his face and wipes away some of the wetness with his thumb. He knows I don’t want to talk, so he’s just being here. I want to tell him that he can’t come, but I don’t have the strength.
I allow him to pull me to my feet and toward my bedroom. He leaves me at my door, pulls my empty suitcase from the floor where I left it, hauls open my closet and starts throwing in random clothes haphazardly. This makes me laugh through my tears, breaking the pain. Jake looks hopeless as a domestic, and I shake my head at him, pushing him aside gently.
“If you want me dressed in sweatpants and blouses for the next few days, then you’re going about it the right way,” I sniff through a runny nose and hazy vision, and start pulling out the clothes and packing my things properly, getting items out I’ll actually need. The focus brings my emotions into check and soothes me fully. Tasks always do that. He moves back and stands watching me, looming close by, hovering as though I may keel over at any moment.
“Might be a sexy fresh look for you, Ems. You’re cute enough to pull it off.” He smiles at me and I sigh, pulling myself back together and drying my face on my sleeve. He hands me the gadgets from my desk and I put them in the base of the suitcase, gently wrapping them in protective sleeves I leave in there. My mind is blocking out any thoughts about my mother lying in a hospital bed right now; I don’t even want to process this anymore.
“I can’t let you come Jake; I don’t want you to see her like she is.” I glance at him nervously, stomach churning.
“Why, Emma? You haven’t told me what happened.” He moves behind me, taking a strand of my loose hair and tucking it behind my ear, a normal Jake gesture which serves to make me feel fully calm. Safe. His presence and touch are like a balm.
“I don’t want you to know; it’s too … there are things about my life before here that should stay in the past.” I glance back at him pleadingly, seeing his frown soften into a gentle smile as he hides his disappointment well.
“Okay, Emma. I promised I wouldn’t push.” He inhales heavily, defeated in a way. “But you better call me every night and keep me updated. If you need me, I’ll be there in a heartbeat. Can’t leave my number one girl coping alone when she’s upset.” He brushes another strand of my hair behind my ear gently, his fingers lingering, brushing softly over my cheek bone. His green eyes locked on mine steadily. “Promise me?”
“I promise,” I nod, basking in the caress, then turning away to continue packing. Poor Jefferson has been sitting down in the car for long enough already, and I have a two-hour flight to take. After that I must face a sight I already know will be unbearable in so many ways.
When I’m done packing, I go into Sarah’s room to leave her a note. I don’t want to call her and say the actual words in front of Jake. Her bed is a riot of covers and clothes, and I can only guess they’ve gone for a night out on the town, not that it bothers me. We lead separate lives nowadays.
I leave the note on her mirror and close the door as I exit. In a way I’m glad she’s not here, so I’m not having to explain with Jake so close by, what’s happened to my mother for the second time in my life. Not having to deal with that knowing look on her face, thinking exactly as I do.
Will she ever change?
Jake accompanies me to the airfield and deposits me on the plane personally. Hugging me goodbye, he makes me promise that I’ll call when I land in Chicago and every night that I’m gone. I am torn in two about leaving him but also not wanting him to see who I used to be. I need him far away from that part of me right now, but I am distraught to walk away from him.
Reluctantly I let him go, and I’m flanked by the onboard attendant taking my coat and Jefferson depositing my suitcase on the plane himself. Jake waves from the tarmac and I head to my seat, shutting out every thought and emotion, holding myself in to focus on the long flight ahead and all that I’m about to encounter."
