CHAPTER465
He stays put, staring at me like he has lost all ounce of self-preservation and has no reason to get up anymore. It rips my soul apart in so many ways and I start to whimper in defeat pleading with him to stand up.
“I want you back, Sophs … I need you. I can’t keep going on like this, without you. It just gets worse with every passing day. I can’t do it …. I’ve tried and I can’t live a Sophieless life.” He swallows hard, his voice breaking, his voice barely audible as a tear rolls down his cheek, shrugging dejectedly, and my floodgates open with a vengeance. I start sobbing too, in agony because he is and unable to look at him or move away to give myself distance, breaking because I broke him too. My rock isn’t allowed to break. How can I be strong when he isn’t anymore.
“I don’t want to face a future that doesn’t have you in it. I can’t live that way. Nothing means anything anymore.” He sounds exactly how I feel, and it’s too painful to hear. I cover my ears, sobbing and try so hard to not crumble. Trying to block him out, moving to shielding my face so I don’t see him this way, willing my ears to stop hearing him, and my heart to stop caring about him. He completely ravages my soul.
I slide my palms over my eyes in a bid to gain control, calm the torrent of tears wracking my body when I’m suddenly enveloped by heat around me, as his arms find their way about my shoulders. His hand slides under my chin and tilts my face towards him, my fingers sliding away obediently with the shock of his familiar touch. It’s almost like he takes full control of my body in its weakened state and I let him, because I don’t know how to feel, and I need him to help me. I need him to be strong and cool and in control, because I no longer am.
He steps in close, still as broken and I can hardly look into his pained face. Unexpectedly, his mouth molds to mine, making me inwardly gasp, his lips crushing to mine in the same excruciatingly perfect way. The instant searing heat and passion consuming from the first moment of touch and catches me in shock.
Weakened by a tiny second of hesitation I let him kiss me, the joining of lips and slightly parted mouths before that good old self-defense system ingrained inside of me reacts, shoves and slaps out at him like a psycho. Enraged that he would do this to me all over again.
It’s not the hardest of slaps I have ever delivered, but enough to snap his attention by connecting with his face and to the fact that he doesn’t get to ever touch me like that again. Taking even me by surprise that I even would lift my hands to Arry, of all people with a proper assault. He barely seems to register it at all, just looks at me with that same wounded broken expression that claws at my heart and adds another level of excruciating agony to this.
“You lost me. You don’t get to do that anymore.” I wail at him, pulling his hands off me and pushing him away once more, finding his touch unbearable. Pain crushes me, soul aching and guilt seeping in that I hit him.
I shouldn’t care, I shouldn’t feel anything but satisfaction, and I fight to stop the regret washing through me. Arrick numbly stares at me for a long moment, breathing hard, seemingly un-phased by the fact I have left a small handprint on his cheek that is staring at me like some horrible arrow in the face, telling me I am a violent bitch, as bad as Leila.
What’s wrong with you?
“I deserve that and more, Sophie. My life is nothing without you. You have no idea how many times a day I think about you, how much it eats me up every second that I made you leave me. How much I just want you back in my life, even if I only get to be friends.” He’s still sniffing back tears, making my heart ache harder and I am trying so hard to hold myself together. Guilt adding itself onto the list of crazy feelings and emotions piling up in my head. I am close to hysteria and about as near the cliff of insanity as one can get before leaping off.
“You didn’t make me leave you. You chose someone else and then told me to go. There is an enormous difference. You can’t undo that.” I throw back, my voice equally ravaged with raw pain and tears, so it hurts my throat, losing all the resolve to stay aggressive and angry and becoming more and more weak and childlike, reverting to fragility I rarely show. Body in defensive mode and moving back anytime he tries to step nearer, knowing I am letting him see me more vulnerable than anyone has for months and hating myself for it. He looks like he desperately wants to grab me but is trying to keep his cool and give me my space. I know I can’t let him touch me or I will fall to pieces and give in.
“I didn’t choose her … I chose to do the right thing and trying to fix all of it, my heart was always with you. It still is. I just didn’t know it until you were gone that I would never be able to fix anything. I never thought about what would happen if you never let me near again, Sophie. It’s killing me. I can’t function anymore, and I can’t keep living every day hoping that I find a way to see you again.” He rubs his hands through his hair, wiping his face and takes deep breaths as though trying to control his own emotion and failing. Every single bit of Arrick Carrero that he is famed for has slid away into oblivion All the cool and calm mannered, emotionally impassive, it’s all gone and I’m not sure I can handle him like this.
“What did you think would happen? That I would stick around, and go back to how it was? That I would play happy families with you and her?” The manic laugh that bursts through my tears makes me realize how dumb this whole conversation is getting, were in the middle of our street, not concealed, and everyone can see us if they want to. I storm past him back to the garden, not even sure why and he follows close on my heels. I don’t owe him my time to even let him talk this out, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to hear what he has to say without it being so public.
“I don’t know … I figured I would fix it, have both of you and no one would get hurt. That I wouldn’t be the bad guy like my dad was when he hurt my mom with an affair. I didn’t think it through Sophie, I thought you would still need me and would still be in my life. I thought our bond would save us. I reacted to what happened and then I thought you needed cooling off time. I never thought you would just cut all ties with me and that we would just be over; that I would actually lose you.” He stops when I spin on him, complete sarcasm washing over my face, pure disbelief that he could be that dense.
“I did still need you, but what was there for me in that? Why would I stay? I told you I loved you and I wasn’t going to sit and watch you love someone else!” I shake my head at him, unable to fathom how his brain works and step away when he reaches for me again. I lift my hands as if to warn him not to touch me. My heads so screwed up, he has me crazily upside down and all messed up that I don’t know if I should be laughing, crying, raging or leaving. I told myself I would never let him do this to me again. I am so fucking stupid.
“I know … I know that now. It’s all I have thought about for weeks. You are all I think about, constantly, Sophs. I was stupid, and crazy to ever let you go, the biggest jackass in the world. I miss you, so much I’m going out of my mind. You have to believe that! When Jake told me you didn’t want me to contact you anymore, it almost ended me. He told me there was maybe a guy and I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed away as best I could. I know I fucked up, that I no longer had a right to be anything to you; I have lived with it every second, of every day for months and hated myself for being so fucking dumb.” His red rimmed eyes are focused on mine, still full of tears and nothing but genuine regret. It hurts too much to see. I want to hate him so badly.
“Missed me so much that you just let me go, right?” I turn away, my soul still crushed and tears not subsiding. Hatred and anger trying so hard to stay with me, in a mind that is starting to fall apart.
“No! I came for you when I couldn’t handle it anymore and I saw you with Christian. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I left. I couldn’t bear to see you happy with someone else, knowing that I literally let the best thing in my life go when you offered me everything. You have no idea how much I regret it. I have never stopped wanting you; you’re ingrained in my soul, you’re a part of me. I made a mistake, one that has been ruining my life ever since and if there’s even a glimmer of a chance then I’m going to jump on it, because there’s no alternative for me. I fucked up everything that mattered to me when I let you go.” His voice like mine is shaky and hoarse, two souls in pain and yet I can’t stop the anger burning inside, even though a part of me is aching to forgive him.
Always torn when it comes to him and exhausted with the effort of keeping this all together. My head and heart at war between sorrow and rage and I’m on a precipice between needing him and hating him. I want to believe, to let his words heal and count but I also can’t, because he tore me apart and left me alone when it mattered. I turn my back to him in a bid to give myself a little time to get control, to breathe slowly and calm my sobs, but his warm hands slide over my shoulders making me flinch and freeze like a statue.
“What makes you think I will even care now? That any of this means anything to me anymore?” I shrug his hands off my shoulders and move further away, so his touch won’t sway me or burn me. Wiping my face to dry the sodden mess and I jut my chin out defiantly. Trying hard to regain that fire.
“I have nothing else to lose. Without you, nothing means anything anymore. I won’t let you go again without a fight. I know you, I know when you’re hurt you push people away, and that’s what you’re doing now, so I won’t let you do it. I know it’s what I deserve, but knowing there’s no one else. You’re meant for me, you were always meant for me, Sophie. I see that now.” He pleads, his tone destroying me and it only makes my tears fall faster and heavier, unable to dry them at all.
“Until you think you have me and suddenly you don’t know what you want anymore, right? Or you get a case of guilt again, or cold feet. You’re drunk. Go home. I don’t need this.” I sob quietly. My body trembling with the wracking pain churning inside. My fight dying because he has me emotionally drained and bereft and my hatred has walked off with a shrug. I’m so lost and broken.
“I love you! I’m in love with you! Every tiny little fiery, hellcat, difficult, yet beautiful part of you, and every part of me wants only you. It’s not alcohol Sophs, it’s in me every second of every hour, every day, and it never stops. Anytime I see you it only serves to remind me how badly I’m suffering. How stupid I am. I knew I loved you as soon as I lost you. That’s never going to change. I’m not confused about this anymore. My heart left when you did, and I don’t want it back if it doesn’t come with you attached.” His voice breaks, and I glance back to see fresh tears on his cheeks, ones which mirror mine and it only strengthens the defiance inside of me. I spin on him accusingly, so much sorrow killing me inside that all I have is my fury about what he did to us.
“You’re an idiot … you had me! You couldn’t see what was in front of your face. Why would I listen now? Why would I let you have the power to cut me open again? To hurt me like you did, over and over. Just go away. You don’t deserve me.” I break again, hating everything about this, everything he’s saying to me. That inner girl who feels like he is never going to be able to fix what he did to me because he has no understanding of how deep the wounds go. The betrayal. I turn away again, unable to keep looking at that distraught beautiful face, knowing I can only hate him when not faced with how much I still want him.
“I know. I have no excuses, only how sorry I am, how much I regret all of it. And I do Sophie, I am… I’m so fucking sorry.” He catches me and turns me back to him, ignoring me when I slap and shrug his hands off. He doesn’t let up, just holds on and keeps pulling me gently, relentlessly, until I finally give in to his tugging and turn, trying not to look him in the eye. I lose all my fight and will as sheer fatigue consumes me.
“Just leave me alone.” Tears pour silently down my face, body giving up on me as everything saps the last ounces of my energy and makes me empty. I’m losing my fight, losing the fire and it’s being replaced with a broken mess of emptiness. There’s nothing left.
“Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I will.” Arrick breathes my way, his face crumbling to reveal a world of pain, eyes greener than I have ever seen them, his voice broken. I glance up at him defeated, my tears continuously finding their way down my face, despite trying so hard to hate him. I have never seen him like this and for a second it calms my chaos to a softer hue."
