CHAPTER342
God, I love him so much.
She sits for a moment and I scrutinize her every expression, a hint of surprise followed by a look of disappointment and then a fake smile is plastered on to hide it all. Her façade disrupted, only momentarily, and then she’s back in full control.
Why am I not surprised that she doesn’t want me to be happy? She never has. She doesn’t care if it’s not something for her benefit.
“Congratulations. I’m assuming the wedding will be in New York?” She can’t look me in the eye but there’s a new tone to her voice, a slight edge and for the first time I click to what it is. I’ve been completely oblivious before today, but now there’s a bright shining magnifying light forced over the top of her for me to peer through.
She’s jealous!! She is jealous of her own freaking child finding happiness. Her own child finding love. What kind of mother is that?!
“There’s more.” I sit up straighter, old anger inside me rising at her response to her only child getting married; Inner-Teen-Emma making a grand appearance; the girl pushed down repeatedly by the woman before her.
She hasn’t even asked me if he makes me happy, or how much I love him. She has never acknowledged my relationship with him before, so it’s no surprise that she wouldn’t now.
“Let me guess … You’ve quit work to live the life of a billionaire’s trophy wife? I’m so proud.” She stares at me blankly and I start stiffening. She isn’t good at hiding her envy now since we’re really getting into it, forgetting herself and her outward demeanor because we have no audience. Hence needing to do this alone, for this persona right here. The woman who used to tower over me in passive emptiness when her boyfriend was upset or when one left because of me.
Breathe, don’t let her get to you.
“No, actually I’m currently looking toward a new career. One more fulfilling in which I can help children who have been abused; like I was.” I lift my chin proudly, meeting her eye ready to take on her response in a non-emotional way. I am at peace with how I am going to handle this.
Her eyes glaze over, and her eyebrow rises as she sighs, acting as though ‘little girl Emma’ is at it again, being over-dramatic, making herself out to be the poor defenseless, innocent child.
She is no mother of mine. I can see it now. I’ll never call her my mom again; she’s never been deserving of the title. In the short time Sylvana has known me she’s been more of a mom to me than Jocelyn ever was.
She’s pondering over how to respond, no doubt bringing memories of our last meeting fresh to her mind, afraid that raging and violent Emma may strop out again. That tiny trigger of annoyance builds higher at her silent pause.
Hold your temper, Emma, she’s not worth this. I swallow it down; just say the words and get it over and done with.
“Oh,” she finally says, sounding disinterested, no reaction to what I said as though she’s already internally decided to dismiss it.
I used to stupidly think my achievements would make her proud, that if I did something worthwhile with my life somehow, she’d love me. I ran to New York to be free of her, but I spent years allowing her in, still trying to please her from afar. Excelling in my work and trying to show her I was worthy. I did expect some sort of reaction about my chosen path or why, but I’m wrong. So very wrong. It’s not me who has to prove my worth anymore, it’s her, and honestly … She’s not worthy of my love and affection or my time.
“We’re having a baby.” I state flatly, not expecting the same type of response that Jake and I received from Sylvana. “You’re going to be a grandmother.” I add rather pointedly, to make a statement; to get everything out that I want her to know. I’ve lost all will for being here since this is going exactly how I should’ve known it would. She is too emotionally exhausting, and I don’t need to stay and take it anymore.
A wave of love sweeps over me when I say it out loud, noticing the way my smile comes out despite my irritation at her. It spreads across my face without any help from me; tadpole bringing me a sense of serenity from within. My hand instantly moves to cover my stomach gently, feeling its presence here with me gives me so much more strength. I focus on this tiny joy of my life and gain strength I need to finish this, letting it flood through me.
“I see.” She glances at me and then back at her desk and my smile fades.
Has she never felt the love for me that I now have for Tadpole?
Is it something she’s ever possessed for me?
“Is that all you have to say to me?” I ask dejectedly, suddenly tired, the anger that was bubbling seems to have given up on me and I find myself sighing instead. I can’t do this with her anymore. I don’t have the emotional energy to keep going through this scenario, repeatedly.
How many times have I built myself up for something, anything from her and always come face-to-face with this reality? This deflating reality … This nothingness.
“Well, a baby isn’t something I ever thought you wanted. You’ve never been very maternal or shown any interest in children. It’s no picnic being a mother, Emma, I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for.” Her tone, one of seriousness, edged with ice. I blink at her in dumbfounded silence, my heart aching, “Is it because of the baby that he proposed?” She asks as an afterthought with a smug expression.
“You never wanted me did you, Jocelyn?” I blurt out, more as a realization than an accusation and she at least has the decency to let her composure falter, especially at my use of her first name. I don’t feel anything about it now that I see it, not a single drop of pain over the fact that she never wanted motherhood or the clinging arms of a child. All those years of keeping me at arms-length, no affection, no warmth, and no protection, all coming together in clear clarity at last.
“I didn’t not want you, Emma, I just didn’t plan on ever having a baby. I just wasn’t suited for motherhood, but I made the most of it.” There’s no apology in her tone at all, no trying to soothe my feelings or deliver an answer in a gentle way, but there never has been. She looks down at her desk moving a couple of files, avoiding my gaze.
There are so many things I could say, so many accusations I could throw at her, but they evade me. Instead there’s nothing but pity and a little sadness, all the fight and will to somehow make her see the way she’s scarred my life is gone. I have nothing, no inner need to do this and no fight left to push this anymore. I realize, with a vague sadness, that I don’t care anymore.
I sigh and sit up, looking at her fully, willing eye contact.
“You’re broken, Jocelyn. There’s something inside of you that doesn’t work and maybe never did. I’m sure there’s a reason that you’re built this way; a reason to why you’re drawn to men that hurt you. Maybe some of your past is so bad, like mine, you’ll never be able to tell me or maybe you don’t have the capability to be a mother of any kind … But I’m done.” I shake my head sadly, aware that she isn’t responding to me in any way.
I stand slowly, my heart aching but no longer ripping in two, a pain that is bearable and will fade in time. She watches me with her large wide eyes and says nothing, no emotion, no protest; just looks at me … emptily. The same way she always used to, yet this time it doesn’t feel the same way.
“You’re not capable of being what I need, and I’ve spent enough of my life trying to get you to just love me. That’s not a child’s job … That should’ve never been my burden. Maybe you do love me, in your own way, but it’s not enough. I want my child to know love the way it’s supposed to be, and I could never inflict your sort of indifference, and inability to nurture, on my baby.” I move my chair back gathering my composure. “I’m walking away Jocelyn. I’m saying goodbye to the pain that you’ve always inflicted on my heart and the way you always made me feel like everything bad that happened in my life was my fault. Jake showed me how wrong that was.” I give her a moment to do or say anything, but I already know it won’t happen. She is sitting still and straight with that icy wall up and a blank expression on her face.
“I love you, you’ll always be in my heart, but I don’t need or want you in my life anymore. I want this between us to end right here. So, if you have anything to say to me then, do it now.” I feel braver, my trembling hands and the aching pain inside of me are a sign that I care, that I always cared, and I can accept that. Because I do know how to love, and nurture and protect, and I’m never going to let myself be ashamed of knowing how. I am worthy of having a heart and giving a piece of it to those I love, but she doesn’t deserve my love anymore. She doesn’t deserve me in her life and the fact she hasn’t asked about my wedding or even congratulated me on the baby says it all. I was never her focus in life, never any part of her world where it mattered.
“I hope you’ll be very happy in your new life.” Her emotionless cold words seal her fate. Even if she knew any kind of warmth, she would’ve never allowed herself to show it. No emotion, no tears, and no attempt to try to change my mind. Her and my father are alike in so many ways, they used what they could from me until I was of no value anymore and then left me to find my way on my own; at least he’d been more honest about it.
I was always the one to care for her, protect her and love her unconditionally; even before I was old enough to understand what she was taking from me. I gave my childhood away to please a woman who gave me nothing in return.
“I know I will be … I’m sorry.” I turn to leave before I cry, because I know I’m going to and that’s okay too. I’ll grieve for a mother I never had; and I’ll make a space in my heart for a mother already working her way around it, accepting the woman I am without any expectations. Mamma Carrero will give me what I’ve always yearned for and I’ll give her a grandchild that I know she will smother in real love. The only one losing anything is Jocelyn Anderson and she doesn’t even care.
“I hope you find happiness, Mom. I hope you find your Jake because God knows you need him, just as much as I did. Everything that happened, everything I endured, none of it was my fault. I know it, without a shadow of a doubt, but I don’t need you to acknowledge it anymore, because I see it for myself and I accept it. I own my past because it brought me here to him…. I forgive you.” I smile sadly, the wave of tears rolling down my cheeks."
