CHAPTER625
“She doesn’t buy me the best presents on my birthday either… You do. I still have Princess Sparkles, still looking after her like you made me promise. So that one day when you have a little girl she can look after her too.”
My heart literally catches in my throat and I stammer for a moment. Knocked sideways by this instant reaction. I swallow hard to push out a response quickly.
“I told you that she could stay with you as long as you loved her… So that could be forever.” I reassure her, over the stuffed toy I bestowed upon her when we moved to Paris a year ago. It was my way of telling her I would always come back. Princess Sparkles was one of my prized possessions, a stuffed unicorn Arrick won for me in the first month of life here and my bed partner ever since that day, until he became my snuggle bear and I didn’t need her anymore.
Stop missing him so much, Sophie.
“Do you think you will have a little girl who loves unicorns? Someone to play with me? Ava likes cars… And Lego.” She is unamused as she stares blankly at me and I frown in agreement, making sure I at least look like I agree that it’s a travesty to have a non-unicorn loving sister. Inside however, my heart is shredding, and I can’t think straight.
“Maybe one day… Here, add more flour when it gets sticky.” I try to distract her from her topic and look around for help in the shape of Sylvana, but she’s busy icing cookies that are cool in the far corner and seems to be letting us have bonding time. I take a deep breath and turn a bright smile back to my little cherub.
“Uncle Arry will have nice babies… He’s handsome, like daddy. I think he will have a baby that looks like Lucah… He looks like uncle Arry.” Mia is lost in her own little thought process and I don’t know if it’s because I miss him like crazy or if it’s t the things she’s saying, but I start welling up inside, my throat constricting as though I can’t breathe.
“He does.” I almost choke saying it and feel Sylvana’s eyes stray to me, even from this angle. My face warms and my insides start to swirl alarmingly, but I try to ignore it.
He really does though… The older little Lucah gets, the more I see it in him. He started off really dark haired and green eyed as a baby, but his hair has been lightening as he grows, and his features are still soft for a kid, instead of more squared out like Jakes. Arry has a softer face, and Lucah right now is like a mini him with green eyes. Also, the quiet nature and all-seeing wise eye he has for being so young. I wonder if Arry had a son, if he would look like Lucah, and the thought gives me another wave of intense pain in my chest that feels like it’s forcing my rib cage to cave in.
I’m instantly dizzy, walls starting to close in, and I get really hot as my skin prickles all over with warning bells that I am not okay. I get up quickly and fan my face, trying hard to breathe through it, but nausea hits hard too. My ever-circling friend, like a tidal wave that buckles my knees and I end up crumbling back into my chair and putting my face on the table to let it pass.
“I’m too hot.” I try to breathe through it as I feel Sylvana’s hands on me and her soothing tone as she asks if I am okay. That tunnel vision coming in at the edges that threatens to make me pass out and I’m clawing to get through it.
It will pass, Sophie… Breathe.
I’m trying to push the sense of impending vomit away and take slower breathes, swallow it down and let the blackness of a dizzy spell fade back out, but the next thing I know, a rumbling volcano from my gut overtakes all control and I throw up spectacularly on the floor.
“Feeling better?” Sylvana hands me a fresh glass of iced water as I sit out in the back veranda in the cool afternoon air. She’s put Mia in the playroom with the housekeeper, while the maid is in cleaning the kitchen and making me feel guilty as hell.
“A lot. I think it was the heat from the kitchen and I haven’t been feeling great since we landed back home.” I sigh and relax back, glad of the breeze. She comes and sits opposite me on another lounger and regards me with a concerned expression.
“The fresh air will help that.” She watches me pensively and I know there are questions waiting to come out of that mouth, I can tell, but she seems hesitant.
“I should go and let you get some time with Mia. I’m ruining your Nona day.” I go to get up, now almost back to normal, but she lays a hand on mine and stops me mid lift.
“Mia is fine, she’s with Colette making glitter paintings. You sit and gather yourself, you’re clearly under the weather.”
“I’m sorry about that… I haven’t been feeling great for a while, still recovering.” I avoid her gaze and look out across the garden, over the pool and at the distant huge greenhouse that contains Sylvana’s beautiful flower collection. Arry and I used to sit in there on rainy days and find peace in being in a miniature botanical garden. I can’t help the smile that comes out of nowhere when I picture us walking through her rose arches inside the great glass structure. This place holds so many memories.
“I need your honesty, Sophie… Are you and Arry breaking up?” Sylvana cuts to the chase, brining my attention back to hers and I catch my breath with the sorrow I see there. Seems Jake was right, and everyone has been speculating my Arry-less stay. I’ve been ignorant in my little bubble, that any of them would notice.
“No. I wanted some time here after being in Europe for a year and Arry had things that needed done in the city.” I answer with a half-truth, avoiding her eyes and feel incredibly guilty.
“So, you are saying you are fine, your relationship is fine?” She looks unconvinced and I nod a little too enthusiastically. Hands getting clammy with my dishonesty.
“Yes.” I look away finding her expression too painful, ripping my heart apart at the fact I can sit here and bullshit her.
“You wouldn’t lie to me though?” The accusing tone and way her eyes seem to eat through to my core makes me extremely uncomfortable and I squirm in my chair before antsy legs make me jump to my feet.
“Sylvana, please.” I mock laugh as though she is being ridiculous and realize a little too late that my acting abilities have their limits.
“My son is broken; he has been since you got here and then he leaves without a goodbye… I saw it… So please, Sophie, be honest with me. I’m not here to take his side and judge; I just want to know what’s happening between my babies. You are both precious to me and my heart is aching.” Her voice breaks, tears fill those familiar green eyes and I sit down like a scolded child as waves of cold and shame rack through me. Lying to her of all people is a huge betrayal and I can’t look at her anymore. I kick the grass under my feet and stare at my boots awkwardly.
“I… I… I’m sorry.” I don’t know what to say. I’m overwhelmed emotionally suddenly and ashamed of myself. Caught in a lie by the one woman who matters so much.
“Did he do something? In your time apart, the long months and the agony of long distance?” She’s blinking at me with a broken expression and I can barely hold myself together at seeing her so distraught.
“No! Arry would never… He loves me too much to do anything stupid.” I defend him, aching for him in this moment for his mother’s sake and for mine, because I know it’s true. He adores me so much. He would know what to say to soothe her if he were here and be my grounding force and hold my hand. Like he always is.
“Then what?” She’s pushing, grabbing my hand, and enveloping it in her soft fingers. Pleading at me with her manner, to tell her that Arry and I are okay. I wish I could, but I don’t want to keep lying."
