CHAPTER399
I guess he definitely got it.
“I’m sorry, Arry, I didn’t mean to. It’s not like I meant for things to change... It … it just happened.” My hands fall by my side, tears falling freely as Arrick catches up with what I am trying to say, rambling like a crazy weirdo. I feel ashamed, and I have no idea why. Every part of my body is responding in new ways and I can’t understand how that even works.
The brain really screws up everything.
“You don’t love me like that, Sophs, you don’t know what you’re saying. This is stupid, you’re confused.” He’s completely shellshocked, color instantly draining from his face, and all hints of playful are replaced with disbelief. Arrick seems to be handling this almost as badly as I did in Emma’s kitchen. His normally cool and calm composure slips uncontrollably as his voice trembles. He seems like he isn’t sure how he should behave and really struggles to stand at peace. His hands mid-air, grasping at nothing as though looking for words in between us.
“Arry?” I reach out to him this time, alarmed by the ashen expression on his face and the way he’s frowning, his head obviously running at a hundred miles an hour to process what I have actually said. I step forward, but he’s the one to move back this time. Lifting fingers to hold me still and telling me to wait. He looks like he needs to sit down, badly. The pale skin has gotten decidedly paler, and he seems a little unsteady on his feet. Meanwhile, my heart is crashing around in my chest, undecided if it’s going for nervous, scared, terrified or heartbroken.
Seems everyone up here in this room is as confused as hell, and no one knows how to react.
“You’re like a kid sister to me.... You are a kid sister to me. We’re not like that. You. ... … me...... … we have never been like that. This isn’t right, Sophs; this is wrong on so many levels, it’s practically incest.”
Touché. Great minds and all that.
The panic fleeting across his face breaks my heart a thousand times more than the past two years have. I never wanted to tell him, but somehow, as with everything in my life, it always comes out involuntarily when I am with him. It’s always been this way; it’s why he knows every single sordid detail of my past. I have never been able to keep anything from him for long and I guess it’s because I have always loved him.
God, girl, you are such a fool.
“You think I wanted this? You think I asked to start feeling differently about you? Or to even know that’s what this emptiness has been? Don’t you think I wish I could just push it all away, and be like I was before?” I raise my palms in angst. Not sure what else to do. “I didn’t know until yesterday that this is what is even wrong with me. This is all a shock to me too, and it’s not like I don’t know that this isn’t right. I know you don’t look or feel that way about me, I know you’re in love with Natasha and this fucks me and you up in every way. You don’t need to point this out to me … I already know, Arry!” I sob, slumping down on the floor hopelessly. Arrick hesitates, moving as though to come to me, to console me, but then steps back, confused if he should or shouldn’t, his sense of confusion choosing to play safe and stay back.
“I don’t know what to say. What you want me to do? I don’t even know how to feel right now, Sophs. We’re Batman and Robin, not Batman and Catwoman!” Arrick moves back until he meets the wall behind him and slumps down too, sliding down until his ass hits the wood, sitting in mirroring poses, facing each other across the floor. I wipe my tears away and just despair at him hopelessly, finding that inner numb to get through this moment.
“If I knew what to do then I would be doing it.” I sniff back the lump in my throat painfully, making talking harder. My eyes scramble over his disheveled form as he looks utterly devastated, which in turn, does the same to me.
“You and me, Sophs, it’s always been innocent. It’s always been platonic. I don’t get how this...” ... He trails off, as though somehow verbalizing his questions will make me suddenly have some sort of epiphany that this was all a big silly childish mistake. That, maybe, he can talk sense into me and make me take it all back.
“You don’t get how I could fall in love with you? Really?” I struggle to my feet, sarcasm biting at just how dense he can be and stare down at him. Anger to replace the pain, so predictably me. Good old self-defense Sophie system kicking in. “Is it really that awful or unbelievable?” I smart, temper moving in, and I really don’t have the energy to argue myself out of it. Arrick must feel awkward sitting down now that I am on my feet as he clambers up the wall to stand and stays there staring at me in disbelief.
“No, it’s just … Sophs, this is morally wrong, it crosses so many boundaries. I’ve been your guardian since you were a kid. I watched you grow up … I know everything about what he did to you. We could never …” Arrick is flailing and my hot blood boils up in complete agitation.
“Jesus Christ! It’s not like I’m about to force you to have sex with me for god’s sake. Overreacting just a tad, aren’t we?” I snap at him and go to storm across my room to pick up a hairbrush, seeing as my hairs sliding down and suddenly I am more than aware I must look like a complete child, and it bothers me in a way it never has before.
“Jesus, Sophie, ... don’t put that visual in my head ... I don’t want to think about sex with you. I couldn’t ever do that to, or with you ... I don’t think I could even kiss you, let alone ...” He falters again when I throw him that look that reminds him, we already kissed once, and his face crumbles once more. “I know we did then, but I was drunk, and I don’t even remember. I don’t think I could ever...That I would want to if we.... Or I mean......It’s … just that you and I … trust, and our families … I can’t imagine I could kiss....” He’s rambling and it’s gotten to the stage that he is actually pissing me off, rather than making me nervous now.
“For the love of God!” I stalk over to him, impulsive and fiery me taking control before she snaps with temper. I grab him by the chin with one hand, pull him fast to meet my height and hit him with my mouth on his, to shut him up. Kissing him hard. Within a second of lips meeting lips he jerks back, pushing me away by the upper arms with sheer shock running across his face. His pupils shrinking to pinholes and the green seems to overtake almost instantly.
I’d say he just had a major shock to the system.
“Why the hell did you do that?” he stammers, whiter than snow, and yet, I just feel crushed. I guess I was harboring some hope that deep down he would maybe like it.
Guess not.
“To shut you up; you’re rambling, and to clear up all your confusion... See! You clearly can’t. You can go now. Guess we’re done here.” I lift my chin defiantly and turn to walk away and leave him to his midlife crisis, gasping as a strong hand grips my wrist and tugs me back into him. I collide with his torso aggressively, breathe catching and completely stunned.
It happens so fast I’m too bowled over to really compute what’s happening as his mouth comes back to mine with a kiss that’s way more intent in purpose than mine was. He molds to my mouth; hands cup my face on each side so his fingers get buried in my hair as palms splay across my cheeks. I am powerless not to be kissed. He sinks pretty much the most non-platonic, seductive, and passionate kiss I have ever felt in my life on me. A slight parting of lips, perfectly meeting and perfectly matched, his nose pressed to the side of mine as fire erupts. My insides explode in an array of fireworks and heat, and then, almost as quickly, he pulls away, dropping his hold on me and lifting palms in the air to signify the ‘what the fuck did I do?’ moment he starts having. The look of shock on his face and the way he stands back with utter open-mouthed disbelief tells me he probably hadn’t intended to do that at all. And doesn’t seem to have enjoyed the effect it had on him either.
“Shit. I don’t know why I..... I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, Sophs. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I ... I don’t know why I …” He moves away from me, shell-shocked and obviously ready to run. Not that I blame him; it left me gasping for breath, even more confused, and yet also strangely surreal. His eyes flicker from one of mine to the other in succession, his breath rapid as his feet start heading for the door. Arrick has lost every ounce of his cool and calm control that he excels at in life, and right now, he’s a fumbling teen with no clue how to react to something he just impulsively did. Meanwhile, I’m just standing, like in slow motion, and feeling that sink of disappointment at his reaction.
The silence stretches between us endlessly, both looking at each other, then away awkwardly; neither sure what to say or do. I know he’s looking for the words to fix this, but there aren’t any. I know his good guy persona means he will try though, and all that kiss did was prove he wouldn’t be able to. He loves someone else and kissing me just repulsed the hell out of him. I guess he wanted to know, without just having a two-second smooch sprung on him, and now he knows. He doesn’t feel the way I do. Like I didn’t already know that, and I don’t need him standing there looking like he may pass out to remind me. His face tells me a thousand things that he doesn’t need to verbalize.
“I need you to go.” I know it’s the only thing I can ask of him for my own sanity. If there had been any sort of fairytale realization he has the same feelings, he would have come out with it. It is glaringly obvious that Arrick has only ever seen a vulnerable kid who liked to hang out and share so many dumb interests, before moving on to a real relationship with someone he fell in love with. He has his life mapped out, and it never included me, in any way.
“Sophs?” He raises his hand and seems to struggle for words. “I need some time to let this sink in ... I can’t think straight.” He steps towards me again then stops and moves by me in afterthought, it’s almost like he no longer knows how to behave around me either. I sigh and stay still, rooted to the spot, deflated and accepting of the fact that I always knew this was never going to go anywhere. Arrick is an over-thinker, he always has been, and it might take him a couple of days to let it sink in and come to the same conclusion, but he will. When his affection for me and the urge to always do the right thing clears away, and he sees how impossible this really is.
Crazy how those three little words change everything between us.
I know I lost him the second he understood what I meant; it’s written all over his face and in his reaction. I never stood a chance of being anything more than his friend, his childish sidekick, that kid who needed a protector and a shoulder to cry on, and nothing more.
His kid sister.
“I’m sorry, Sophs ... I just don’t think I feel that way about you. I have a girlfriend, and I don’t know how the hell to play this. I should never have kissed you, and I have to tell her.... That’s not who I am. I don’t cheat. I don’t know what that was.” He hangs around by the door and seems like he isn’t sure if he should stay or go. My insides turn to lead, and I don’t think I have any tears left in me to even let out. I feel empty. Arrick just took the last ounces of what was left inside of me and killed them flat. He didn’t even mean to, and yet, here we are.
“It was nothing, why bother? It was barely more than a graze of lips, almost chaste, and probably brotherly on your end. You will only hurt her, and it’s pretty clear that it was a spur of the moment test that failed. I don’t blame you for anything. You have always been everything for me and more. I owe you so much, and I fell in love with you for it. Now maybe you’re right. We grew apart, and maybe we were meant to, exactly for this reason. So, go ... I’m not mad. I just need you to leave, and maybe we should just stay clear of each other for a bit, while I get my head straight.” I say it so steadily, so deadpan and sure, that I even believe it myself.
“Sophs?” Arrick starts, his voice croaky and hurt, but I only shake my head. Stubborn girl reigning supreme in a bid to shield myself.
“Just go, you’re only making it worse.” I state coldly. Refusing to look at him or move. I can sense him lingering by the door, hesitant because deep down Arrick is a good guy. No matter what he feels for me, he is decent; not someone who just pushes feelings aside carelessly and it’s probably destroying him to hurt his best friend this way. He would never intentionally do it.
“GO!” I say it more firmly this time, more forcefully, holding my breath for what seems like forever until I hear the click of my door closing behind his silent steps. I exhale heavily, releasing so much sadness and crumble into the nearest seat with an exhausted thud, and yet another bout of unwelcome and uncontrollable tears.
I feel like he just ripped what was left of my sanity away."
